I think I had mentioned before, that after the 2-3 weeks where she was crazy sexual, that she had casually mentioned to me that "the sex thing seemed to be gone for now". I didn't think too much of it and have actually initiate twice with her since then.
I have read so many sitches here where people get stuck in a sexless R, and I don't recall reading one where the sex ever came back once they let that happen. I mean it's not -completely- gone for you yet, but it sounds to me like your W is laying the groundwork for a sexless M. Personally if it were me I would flat-out tell her that it is not acceptable (seems like I have to "lay down the law" on that at least once in every serious romantic relationship I have!)
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Also we still do not kiss above closed mouth "smooches". Not really just pecks, but definitely not passionate.
Yeah that's a concern. Some women think kissing is too "personal" and only do that with someone they are "in love" with so it's not a good sign.
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So I mentioned it. I stayed calm and just asked some probing questions. I made it just informational and tried to make it as non-confrontational as I could. I worked hard not to attack and just ask things like "why do you think you aren't affectionate anymore?" "Any thoughts on why we still can't kiss passionately?"
Probably the most confrontational question was "You casually mentioned that the sex desire had disappeared, was that a hint for me to back off sexually?"
It sounds like you handled it pretty well, I think I would have also mentioned that I have physical needs that need to be met and that it's important that she respects that on a regular basis. Have you read No More Mister Nice Guy? It gets into this type of stuff about stating what your needs are. Not a good idea after BD, but in piecing or in a healthy relationship it's a must.
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I got mostly "I don't knows". She then launched into a fairly upset sounding diatribe about how things were still up in the air between us and the marriage, and that is why we are in counseling. And that even the counselor said it would take a longtime.
And what, she shouldn't be expected to have sex with you in the meantime? That's ridiculous.
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1) She clearly isn't as committed to the marriage as I thought she was.
Agreed.
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2)"I think couples get to the point where they just want their space instead of being affectionate and snuggly, like your parents sleeping in separate beds.") she sees us staying married without a lot of physical contact. Something I am not interested in.
First, who gives a crap about "other couples". She expects you to model your marriage on sexless examples? No, not acceptable. Next time she says this then tell her it's not acceptable to you. You say you're not interested in that, TELL HER.
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I also mentioned that my fear was that there was a pattern we went through, where she felt underappreciated and ignored, then went looking for it elsewhere. I said my fear is that if it continues that she would again go looking elsewhere to which her response was "I don't think I will". It was said less than convincingly I might add.
It sounds to me like the way you talk to her is very passive/aggressive MNG stuff. Talking to her about your fears and such. You're afraid she might look elsewhere? How about YOU tell HER she should be afraid YOU will look elsewhere. State your needs. Expect them to be met. Put her on notice. Obviously you can't go all Jeckyl and Hyde on her, but you need to slowly shift to a more alpha position.
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At one point I asked if she had any ideas why after being insatiable suddenly it had stopped. Her answer "I am 50 now." Admittedly the period where she was so insatiable was the weekend before her 50th birthday, but that seems so illogical. (I didn't tell her that by the way). Could that really have something to do with it? Like one last "in my 40s" sexual push? That just is so weird to me.
If I remember right (unless I'm mixing up two situations, which has happened before) a lot of us warned you that we didn't trust her sudden explosive interest in sex. It did not seem at all genuine. Don't try to figure out what a WAS is thinking or what their motivations are because there is no explanation. All you can control is YOU. So what do YOU want moving forward? Tell her what you want and expect.
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Anyway, I should have kept my mouth shut obviously, but I will be bringing this up in our next MC session. And I am ready to accept any 2x4s you all want to send my way.
I disagree, I think you did the right thing in saying something. I think you should be more assertive/ alpha in these discussions, but the dialog needs to happen or things will just continue to deteriorate.
