W's parents weren't home when we went to tell them we were divorcing. They had gone out of town for dinner. She was so afraid of telling them that she didn't call to see if they were home or let them know we were coming. She was on the verge of a panic attack, so we went to the backyard, sat down and just talked for a bit to calm her down. When we went to leave I told her goodbye and she stopped me and thanked me for being there for her even though she knew it must have been very difficult for me. I validated her feelings, told her I'd be there for her when she really needed me, and left.
I had a great time with my kids this weekend. Then yesterday morning W told me she was tired of living a lie, and she really wanted to take her wedding ring off and not wear it anymore. She had been wearing it to work to avoid answering questions, and her Mom works at the same school. So I got a text yesterday morning saying she told her Mom we were divorcing, and she started getting information on the loan finances. This got me thinking about the house, and I'm really leaning towards wanting to keep the house myself and her finding a new house. I sent a couple texts back about her finding a house and what we each could afford, and she sent back an angry text saying the conversation was making her angry and she didn't want me to tell her she had to move out right now. I validated her feelings, and told her nothing was decided yet (it's not).
After work I took myself out for an early dinner and a movie and had a good time. When I got home, I knew W probably had taken off her wedding ring for the last time. I found it in the box I had used to propose to her almost 10 years ago. It hasn't been in that box since I proposed. I expected it to trigger a lot of emotions, but I didn't have much of a reaction. I felt oddly at peace.
I still love her, and probably always will. I still want to reconcile, but don't think there is any chance until she gets out of the marriage and moves on and gets away from me for at least a couple years. Even then the chances might be zero. She has made it very clear that she loves me like a brother, and does not want any romantic relationship with me right now, but is open to anything in the future. She is done trying to control her feelings and it just depends on where those feelings lead her.
I don't know how long it will take for me to move on, but I have found myself becoming interested in another woman I've met recently. I haven't thought about another woman this way since I was 16 years old, so I don't know what to do about it. I find her interesting and fun to be around, and find myself thinking about her sometimes when we are apart. We do not have contact beyond a GAL activity of mine. No exchanged phone numbers, and she may not even be interested in me beyond being a friend. I know I'm not close to ready for anything more than a friendship, and I think these feelings might just be me looking for some way to cope. I just enjoy the time I spend with her, and find myself wanting to spend more time with her. I don't feel guilty for it, I just logically don't think I'm ready for anything. It just seems too fast, and I don't want to be unfair to somebody else. Not sure what to make of this, so I'd like some advice if anybody has some to give.
