My Scenario Pt.5 - Big D and Detaching the Monster

[sandi2]

I dont think expecting an explination to the destruction of my entire life is particularaly controlling, but to gain closure so i CAN move on.

Wanting answers is not control. I suspect you are in too much pain at the moment to see it in yourself. Frankly, I have to admit that I seldom use the "C" word (control) b/c I despise when women accuse their H's for it, when in fact, it is her tactic to control him! But like I said, it is difficult to see in ourselves.

A mature adult would have known this and been kind enough to have an adult conversation about not being happy or becoming unhappy in the M

This is expecting a lot from a cheater. Little maturity or kindness is seen in cases of betrayal and abandonment. You are suffering from a double whammy. There is quite a bit of free information on line about healing from betrayal and abandonment. I get a little frustrated, however, b/c many writers give scenarios where both spouses are willing to sit down and have a calm, mature, discussion about their feelings, etc. In reality, how many times does this really happen during the crisis period? But anyway.......I saw some books that appeared to offer more meat on the subject. You might search Ted Talks. Several people on the board finds them to be enlightening.

I have every right to be angry.

Hang on, I never said you didn't have the right to be angry. You asked ME for my perspective as a WW about sending your letter. I'm just trying to give you that perspective. She would be nieve to believe you wouldn't be upset. Even knowing that......it still would not set well with her to read you expressing it. Look, you will not understand her mindset b/c it is not logical......and that's what you can't accept.

Im not going to send the letter as she knows all of this ready, the tone of the letter i was interested in conveying to her, which she has never heard from me is more the boundary setting tone.
"im moving on, without you, and you seem to be moving on without me. I am not going to be here to do favors, pay for anything or offer any modicum of support so long as OM is in any way shape or form in your and S3's lives. We were building something amazing, and if you ever want that to come to fruition you have a lot of recompense to perform, but i am willing to walk that road with you if you are willing to take the steps necessary to show you know you made huge mistakes and are taking steps to repair the damage done to our son, myself and our families and friends. I vowed to stand beside you forever and support you forever, which i will uphold, if you return to me from the darkness"

But you aren't moving on! You wanted to use the letter as a tool to shock her.

I'm saying that a WW would not respond favorably to your statements above........no matter how much right you have to feel the way you do. I think she would see it sounding a little preachy, and throwing guilt & blame at her. I'm not saying you are wrong. I am saying these words don't produce the effect you want from a WW before she even contacts you. To a WW, the H looks arrogant or assuming to start telling her what he would be willing to do if she did such & such......no matter what tone he may try to use. Don't issue boundaries after she's abandoned you.......and before she's even made an effort to contact you. You are dealing with your mindset, which is nothing like hers.

This is the same route the majority of LBH's want to take. They think they can give a speech, have a talk, send a letter that embodies some words that will stop her dead in her tracks, slap her forehead and think, "OMG, what am I doing"........and it's not going to happen.

She was SO excited to have a baby, get married, talk about growing old and all of that. She was so invested in our R, then as soon as the ring was on. BAM she did a full 180. It just doesnt freakin' compute. Its not like she had years of unhappiness in M to grow bitter and contemptuous. This is what blows my mind the most

There are a lot of things about your W that does not compute for me. With many waywards, comes other baggage. Emotional problems tied to their past and/or mental health issues that add to the problem of waywardness......or vice-versa. Too much psychology gets involved. I try to stick with what little I know........which is just plain old waywardness. That's complicated enough!

This one sentence held my finger back from the trigger of sending the letter today Sandi. After re reading some WW stuff, you are right. If i ever hope to hear those answers, she will need to want to give them to me herself, without any form of a prompt from me.
I think this will be how she "Hoovers"
by trying to start this conversation, and explain why she did what she did (it will be lies at first, if not forever)
She will try to reopen my wounds and climb in when her dark and twisty world gets too cold.

I'm glad you did not send it. As long as it stays on your computer, there's a chance you will accidentally hit the send key. Yep! It's happened.