Yep droping the rope, detaching..the old M is dead. My H is depressed.
H is living at home, sleeping in my bed, and that's about it. No affection for me, no love, just existing side by side.
My needs have not been met in such a long time, no hugs, no kisses, no real affection except from my S. Even when H and I it's just sex, no affection. I need more than that, want more than that in my life. I want to be special to someone, I want hugs, I want to be able to hug my H and get a hug back. Why should I settle for less? I denied for so long that I needed affection, that I could live without affection, that I wasn't an affectionate person. Well guess what, I am an affectionate person and I want affection. I want that in my life and if H can't provide that then why am I with him? I want to let loose and love my H or someone the way they should be loved. I want that same love back. I've always held back and now I don't want to, life's too short.
This all came to me in the last 24 hours. I've been searching for love for so long, but denying it at the same time, pushing it away most of my life. Even when I had it right in front of me, I pushed it away and denied it.
I want to be loved and I want to love back, openly and freely. For the first time I am admitting this to myself and sharing my good news, one of MY needs, one of MY love languages, with all my wonderful BB friends.
Do I share this need with my depressed H? Do I let him know now that this is what I need in a R/M or do I wait until the time is right?
I think you can ask for what you want, but you need to wait until the time is right.
This is such a hard road. You do deserve to have what you want, and it is frustrating not to get it. The question is how to ask for it without rushing into it?
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quote: I want to be special to someone, I want hugs, I want to be able to hug my H and get a hug back.
This is just what I'm feeling. I didn't know that I wanted this so badly until I lost it.
Quote: I want to be loved and I want to love back, openly and freely. For the first time I am admitting this to myself and sharing my good news, one of MY needs, one of MY love languages, with all my wonderful BB friends.
Thank you for sharing!
Yes, I think you can share this with your H. You do need to ask for what you want plus it will tell him that you not only want this but you want it from HIM! He seems to still feel unloved and this might be another way to show him how much you DO love him.
I know how you feel about wanting real affection and love. We do deserve that. I don't have any answers for you regarding WHEN to ask your H about this. Does he know he has real depression? Could he be drinking to numb his reality/depression? Is he willing to see anyone? Can the kids approach him? This is big stuff. Do you have a professional or councelor to talk to about this? Just wondering....Don't recall all the details of your past.
Continue to take good care of yourself. Your Faith is helping, I can feel the light glimmer through your words on the BB. You and your H are in my prayers.
I am catching up over here. Your post about your LLs was so honest and heartfelt. Thanks for posting it.
Quote: Yes, I think you can share this with your H. You do need to ask for what you want plus it will tell him that you not only want this but you want it from HIM! He seems to still feel unloved and this might be another way to show him how much you DO love him.
This is just something to think about. Do not yell at me or anything, just think about it.
Put yourself in his shoes for a minute okay. You are the sane one right now and yes the feelings, desires, wants and needs that you have are very important and need to be fulfilled. There is no question about that and I agree, there is going to come a time when you are going to be able to express all of that, but if you were in his shoes right now. Dealing with all the emotional things that he is dealing with right at this time. If you were as confused as he is and as unsure of yourself as he is, would you be able to handle someone coming up to you and telling you that you are just not fulfilling their needs?
Like when your world was crashing in on you and you had everyone from every angle coming at you telling you what you should do and then him telling you how you had treated him and so forth, could you have handled people coming up to you at that time telling you that you weren't doing a good job in other areas?
You are going to have the right to tell him all of those things and soon, but I don't think now is the time to tell him. Allow the Lord more time to heal him and to strip him of the things that he is trying to do now. That is probably more then he can handle at this point.
HB describes how when her and her husband had that it felt just like having and nothing different. She did say in time that it did have all the emotions and everything come back. There are alot of things that he is working through right now and you have to give him the time to work through them.
If you can find her thread that explains this, it would probably help you out a great deal. I wish that I could remember the title of the thread, but I can not. She went through the very thing that you are going through right now and she expressed PATIENCE during this time. This is a very fragile time right now.
Mooka, Wonder, thanks for stopping by and Laurie, I would never yell at you or anybody for being honest. I'm not sure how depressed my H is, he really never has been happy, but HE is sharing it with me for the first time. Oh he told me he wasn't happy prebomb, but I wasn't paying attention or listening to closely. He has shared more with me in the last few months than during the whole time we were married. He is being very honest about his confusion and also about not being happy.
Now is not the time to tell my H how I feel, I agree. It was more ME honestly expressing my need for love and ME admitting to myself that yes I do need and want this in my life whereas in the past I wouldn't have admitted that. In fact, I remember telling a friend of mine that I didn't need very much affection and she responded by saying "yes you do" and I didn't know what she meant.
I have been searching for love for a very long time, I just never admitted to myself or anyone that I do want to be loved. It's been a thick wall and I still need to work through some of my past and put to rest the past. The lack of affection from my parents while growing up, actually my father was always good for hugs, but at some point he stopped and I'm not sure why or how old I was either. My dad's whole side of the family are huggers and kissers...their bohemian!
So when the time is right, I will share with my H MY needs, but not now.
Tonight he asked me if I had plans for Saturday? Almost six days away and he tells me he has plans to fish and I said fine. H also told me has plans for Wednesday night. I told H i also had plans for a girl's night out Saturday night and he said "oh yeah when did you plan this and when were you going to tell me about it?" Oh I can be mysterious also!
Thanks Laurie...I'm always thinking of HB and have all her threads bookmarked, so I will find her post on I guess I shouldn't complain, I do enjoy it just as much as my H does, we just need to spice it up a little, maybe I'm getting bored...so say la veev or whatever.
Sorry to be so direct, but I'm glad you've come to your senses tonight. MLC is unlike any "normal" relationship problems without any rhyme or reason to them. Your h is very deep into the "me mode" now that anything you say about your needs will push him farther away than ever and I'd hate to see that happen. Vinlad is right, your h is not sane right now. What you need to do to fulfill your own needs is to find pleasure in the things you enjoy and do for yourself. Be mysterious as you say and go out and enjoy yourself this weekend. Once your h's crisis is over you'll have the time to talk about your needs, but not at this time. At this time you need to continue to lovingly detach.
If you like to read, I recommend visiting the mlc board and taking a look at the books on the recommended reading material thread. Reading some books about depression and mlc will help you see your h's actions from a different perspective and you'll understand a little better what he's experiencing.
You are all soo right, H couldn't handle it at this time. It was more about me and yes needing this at some point, but I can wait. It's like an epiphany (sp) or a light bulb moment for ME! I know the past is the past, but things I did while in high school through most of my teens and early 20's are all making sense now. I won't go into detail as I'm still processing it in my head, but it's been revealed to me for some reason, it's being shown to me at my ripe old age of 45. Why did it take so long to figure this out? Hmm guess I won't question it too much, JUST must have been the right time.
I got up at the same time as H this morning and said good morning and his response was "yeah whatever." In the past my first assumption was, and it happened this morning too I will admit, would be "what did I do wrong" or "H is mad at me for something" and then beat myself up for it. This also might be the reason I don't get up when he gets up in the morning...to avoid this type of interaction.
H was getting the trash ready to go and I was getting OJ and noticed he hadn't taken in his sandwich so I poked my head out the door and asked him if he wanted it and he looked at me like "what" H was in another world and trying to get out of the house as fast as he could, like a demon was chasing him. That was my interpretation of it anyway.
I am in a great mood today and the "whatever" response to my good morning was not about me at all and I will nto make it about me either. I think I'm back on track with this detaching, I'm going to have fun with my life!!
it's just sex, no affection. I need more than that, want more than that in my life. I want to be special to someone, I want hugs, I want to be able to hug my H and get a hug back. Why should I settle for less? I denied for so long that I needed affection, that I could live without affection, that I wasn't an affectionate person. Well guess what, I am an affectionate person and I want affection. I want that in my life and if H can't provide that then why am I with him? I want to let loose and love my H or someone the way they should be loved. I want that same love back. I've always held back and now I don't want to, life's too short.
Almost six days away and he tells me he has plans to fish and I said fine. H also told me has plans for Wednesday night. I told H i also had plans for a girl's night out Saturday night and he said "oh yeah when did you plan this and when were you going to tell me about it?" Oh I can be mysterious also! 