S19 and I live in fairly close quarters, and occasionally we overhear things we'd rather not. This time though, I was amazed at the conversation I overheard him having with a new friend whose parents split when she was 2.
Amongst other things, S19 and friend discussed the way XH left us. For the first time I (over)heard that he'd told the kids he had dreams he wanted to follow and that he knew I wouldn't be on board with them, so he had to leave. S19 spoke of us all being gobsmacked and dumbfounded, and how angry he was with the way his father dealt with it all.
Then he spoke of the love he had for his father, but how he cannot idolise him anymore because XH hurt me so much. The friend saw all the obvious things straight away - how it is unthinkable to blast away 25 years of marriage in a single barrage of words and actions. How it's so wrong to tell the world that you love somebody then tell that same person you haven't loved them for years.
A few more things came out about XH's family and their treatment of me - which goes some way to explaining why he seems so reluctant to do the family visitations his father pays him to do. Yes, you read that right, S19 gets paid by XH to visit his grandmother and do whatever little odd jobs she wants done. It's a constant source of conflict between the three of them - grandma is always complaining to XH (and even to me when I saw her at the supermarket last week) that S19 is very unreliable with his visits. I'm glad I'm well out of that one!
The sad thing is S19 says he's still devastated about how his father left and believes it's the underlying cause for the anger that seems to be constantly simmering. I think I should probably get him into some counselling - but I don't think that is going to be an easy task. I have been encouraging him to visit his grandma too, which I will continue to do because I think he owes it to himself to stay as connected to all of his family as possible.
Having said all that, I have to say I'm so proud of this young man for being as perceptive, forgiving and loving as he is, bearing in mind how angry he feels towards the man he used to worship. I can only wonder if one day his father works out that when he abandoned us (this is the word S19 uses) he set himself an enormous task - to regain the respect he was once given in spades. I also worry that S19 will do the same thing as his father when he reaches mid life. Does anybody have any insights about how best to MLC-proof the offspring of MLCers?
