My WAS - looking help and thanks in advance

[ovrrnbw]

Just caught up on the rest of the posts and see you got some great advice from JoeJoe and Steve. I ended up repeating some of what they said but hopefully that'll help drive the points home.

One thing I sense from your communications with your counselor is that right now you think there's some magic reset pad, and if only you push the right combination of buttons then everything will go back to normal. I'm sorry, but that is not how it works. What you had is dead and gone for good. As hard as it is to believe, it's over. Now that doesn't mean you won't recon, you very well might. But recon is all about a NEW relationship with her, not going back to what you had.

It's interesting that in your first post you said "My verbal abuse made 2 people who were the love of each other's lives go on the outs." and you have not said one more word about that. If you were verbally abusive then that is a HUGE problem. If your W is trying to escape an abusive relationship then you've got a LOT of work to do before you can earn her trust back. We're talking months and months of hard work.

Can you offer any advice on getting wife to attend?

Yeah, don't. She will only go to "prove" it's over. Quit giving her ammunition!

I think I screwed up Saturday night. I was in bed in the master, and wife wanted me to get out so her and her friend could sleep there. I made a petty argument into an hour long fight by not giving her what she wanted there. I feel like that ruined the weekend and was a step back. And now I feel like going to the lake with her dad was a major mistake, because even though it may not be wrong, she didn't like it. And I was worried that she wouldn't but her dad told me it was ok to do.

Quit worrying that every little thing will make her angry. She's much, much farther gone than you realize.

I also hinted that'd I'd tell her friend about wife's affair, to which wife almost cried. I think this was a mistake - again, it would hurt her if I did tell someone.

Wow that's some ugly passive/aggressive stuff there. Read that book I mentioned.

She still thinks I am trying to control her and even the score. She also thinks I am trying to make her look bad because of me telling her family.

She is right on both counts.

I don't want to control her, I really would just like to be with her.

That IS control. Because that's what YOU want. What about what she wants? She doesn't want to be with you, so let her go and try to become the man she DOES want to be with.

I ended up telling her that it is her house too and that I was going to give her some room and comfort of home tonight (this was on the advice of my best man from the wedding). I said I'd either stay at my dad's or stay in the front bedroom out of her way

= NOT BEING A MAN

I mentioned to you talking to my friend "soandso", who is married to one of her friends that was in our wedding. I don't think she would like me doing that. But I think this friend may tell her to try.

(slaps forehead)

For a while, I was trying to do something nice for her every day - is this too much?

That would have been great 6 months or a year ago. Now it just looks weak, and she'll think "too little too late".

I did make her a card last week, but I haven't given it to her yet.

Write everything out in great detail, then burn it. DO NOT give it to her.

I think I need to pour on the love this week

Nope.

She always said in the past that she wants to feel needed in these type of situations - not ignored during a breakup.

Again, 6 months or a year ago maybe. Now? No.

I was going to make her dinner tonight and just leave it there for her. And not be at the house when she gets home. Is this a bad idea?

Very.

I read something called the "Last Resort Technique" by Michelle Weiner Davis that advised backing off to increase your chance of your spouse becoming more interested in you. She advises not pursuing or chasing and implies that doing so is "supplying your spouse with a reason" to leave. I don't think this is the remedy for my situation. To me that is just letting things die.

Wow, I can't believe you posted that here of all places. Look, DB'ing is counter-intuitive. Your mind is telling you to pursue her with all your heart, pour out love on her, show her how much you care. That is the WRONG thing to do. That works in a healthy relationship where the couple is recovering from a minor fight or argument. NOT when a spouse goes full-on WAS. She is NOT the person you knew anymore. A switch in her has flipped. What you think will work will do more harm than good. Embrace DB'ing. Calm yourself. Stop the panicky behavior, that's not attractive to her. You have loads of TIME, use it wisely.

Thankd for your response. I think this approach may be a little harsh in some areas. I am no expert. But giving her some space in the bedroom seems like an OK thing there. I don't want to kick her out of the bedroom or just because of her EA. I want to be with her still. So telling her to get her stuff and leave the house, just to prove my manliness, doesn't seem to be the right approach.

I've been speaking with my sister mainly, texting my therapist some. Spent the weekend on NC after her Friday freaking of 20+ calls and 20+ texts and then having her sister call me abut the wallet left in the car. I dropped it at her parents house after learning she was home bc I neededy space and I knew seeing her would cause a fight.

The GAL thing is starting to come along. I'm also rememberin some validating phrases so that I can just accept what is being said and stop pursuing. I realize this hasn't worked so my efforts there are ended. I am trying to ease the pressure.

She did call Saturday AM but I did not answer. No further calls since.