My Scenario Pt.5 - Big D and Detaching the Monster

[SteveLW]

Ok everyone, i know ive been all over the place lately. The roller coaster is for real.

I feel like i am way behind a lot of you in your recovery and acceptance, despite having been doing this for longer than some of you (being separated that is),
I also understand my situation is very volatile and chaotic compared to a lot of you.

I feel like a failure, like all this tried and true methods arent working for me at all.

Maybe im still so attached because i was still SO DETERMINED to fix MR and reconcile, despite what she had done, back when we last talked. I think i may be stuck in that mindset.

I think this is also why ive been craving contact with her so much, i feel like maybe i would finally see her for who she is if we talked and it went as i would expect it to. More lies, manipulation and BS.

She was still breadcrumbing me and trying to play nice and lie to me back in Jan last time we talked. I think she has since realized HOW MUCH about her lies and dceceptions i have learned about, and being as non confrontational as she is, chose to just slander me, lie to her friends and family and discard me rather than owning her beahvior and actually having to explain like an adult why she did what she did and why she never talked to me about any of the issues she was experiencing.

Plus i know shes likely just a self serving, narcissistic monster who only ever cared about herself, and only ever committed to our relationship when she believed in the honeymoon limerance she had convinced herself about me before we even met. She believed she loved me, than instantaneously decided she didn't, and rather than tell me that, or face the shame of her family by admitting she made a mistake, she did all this instead of owning her behavior and choices like an adult.

Yes the emotional roller-coaster is real. We've all ridden it. And no, you aren't behind us. After all, you just had a major milestone (Thursday's court date) come and go which is like ripping the bandages off still healing wounds. So don't be too hard on yourself. Emotional swings do not make you a failure. You are in a very frustrating situation, we all understand that.

So while we all feel like failures at times we are not! We are dealing with something that hurts like the devil, that we cannot control (no one likes to feel like they have no control) and then those of us with children get a daily reminder of the spouse we are trying so hard to move on from and forget.

So please do not be so hard on yourself. You are trying to cope the way we all are. Just remember that you have one very important little person that is depending on you!

Bro hugs!