Quote: In order for me to fully detach I have to treat H the way he treated me when he left..like I don't care,
No, that's not necessarily true. LOVING detachment comes when you recognize that although you love and care for the other person, even when they are not meeting YOUR needs, that you really don't have control over their decisions. Loving detachment comes when you stop REACTING to everything they do and focus on getting a life for yourself. Loving detachment means NOT reacting out of anger or spite, but keeping unconditional love in your heart.
I keep hearing your H asking for reassurance that you love him. How many times has he implied that you don't care, or wouldn't care if he left? He sounds desperate for reassurance that you still love him despite everything. You can tell him that and still keep some reasonable boundaries.
And yes, he desperately needs treatment for his alcoholism and depression.
