Ok everyone, i know ive been all over the place lately. The roller coaster is for real.
I feel like i am way behind a lot of you in your recovery and acceptance, despite having been doing this for longer than some of you (being separated that is), I also understand my situation is very volatile and chaotic compared to a lot of you.
I feel like a failure, like all this tried and true methods arent working for me at all.
Maybe im still so attached because i was still SO DETERMINED to fix MR and reconcile, despite what she had done, back when we last talked. I think i may be stuck in that mindset.
I think this is also why ive been craving contact with her so much, i feel like maybe i would finally see her for who she is if we talked and it went as i would expect it to. More lies, manipulation and BS.
She was still breadcrumbing me and trying to play nice and lie to me back in Jan last time we talked. I think she has since realized HOW MUCH about her lies and dceceptions i have learned about, and being as non confrontational as she is, chose to just slander me, lie to her friends and family and discard me rather than owning her beahvior and actually having to explain like an adult why she did what she did and why she never talked to me about any of the issues she was experiencing.
Plus i know shes likely just a self serving, narcissistic monster who only ever cared about herself, and only ever committed to our relationship when she believed in the honeymoon limerance she had convinced herself about me before we even met. She believed she loved me, than instantaneously decided she didn't, and rather than tell me that, or face the shame of her family by admitting she made a mistake, she did all this instead of owning her behavior and choices like an adult.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
OK, I would normally send this in a private message, but those don't work here.
The problem I have with your recent postings is that it makes me concerned for you as a father. If you lose your job, what kind of father will you be for your son? If you meltdown what kind of care can you provide? Your wild swings of emotion (which we all have) cause you to act out in some ways that seem harmless (dress burnings, etc) but not for the father of a young child.
Please know this is not a judgement on you, it is just concern. Parents that can't take care of themselves can't take care of children. As someone said in another thread, on an airplane you are told to secure your oxygen mask first before helping others. The point is that if you aren't okay and clear thinking how can you possibly help someone else.
If your posting is just venting then great! Vent away, but your post about not being able to function at work and being on thin ice there as it is troubles me, because you need to be able to care for and provide for your son.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Ok everyone, i know ive been all over the place lately. The roller coaster is for real.
I feel like i am way behind a lot of you in your recovery and acceptance, despite having been doing this for longer than some of you (being separated that is), I also understand my situation is very volatile and chaotic compared to a lot of you.
I feel like a failure, like all this tried and true methods arent working for me at all.
Maybe im still so attached because i was still SO DETERMINED to fix MR and reconcile, despite what she had done, back when we last talked. I think i may be stuck in that mindset.
I think this is also why ive been craving contact with her so much, i feel like maybe i would finally see her for who she is if we talked and it went as i would expect it to. More lies, manipulation and BS.
She was still breadcrumbing me and trying to play nice and lie to me back in Jan last time we talked. I think she has since realized HOW MUCH about her lies and dceceptions i have learned about, and being as non confrontational as she is, chose to just slander me, lie to her friends and family and discard me rather than owning her beahvior and actually having to explain like an adult why she did what she did and why she never talked to me about any of the issues she was experiencing.
Plus i know shes likely just a self serving, narcissistic monster who only ever cared about herself, and only ever committed to our relationship when she believed in the honeymoon limerance she had convinced herself about me before we even met. She believed she loved me, than instantaneously decided she didn't, and rather than tell me that, or face the shame of her family by admitting she made a mistake, she did all this instead of owning her behavior and choices like an adult.
Yes the emotional roller-coaster is real. We've all ridden it. And no, you aren't behind us. After all, you just had a major milestone (Thursday's court date) come and go which is like ripping the bandages off still healing wounds. So don't be too hard on yourself. Emotional swings do not make you a failure. You are in a very frustrating situation, we all understand that.
So while we all feel like failures at times we are not! We are dealing with something that hurts like the devil, that we cannot control (no one likes to feel like they have no control) and then those of us with children get a daily reminder of the spouse we are trying so hard to move on from and forget.
So please do not be so hard on yourself. You are trying to cope the way we all are. Just remember that you have one very important little person that is depending on you!
Bro hugs!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
A valid point. Sometimes i question if am capable of being a father right now, and other times i question if i even want to, which makes me feel like a total POS.
I am overcome with a strong sense of apathy regarding a lot of important aspects of my life.
between the criminal case, which was BS and i got screwed (setting my expectations for divorce, doubly so now that i look like a POS to the courts due to aforementioned criminal case) The unfair way D is likely to go, and the fact that ive gotten screwed on scheduling with my Son. Im winning at nothing, and that doesnt seem likely to change.
Im honestly tempted sometimes to surrender paternity and just walk away and let her deal with the entire mess she made, alone.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
A valid point. Sometimes i question if am capable of being a father right now, and other times i question if i even want to, which makes me feel like a total POS.
I am overcome with a strong sense of apathy regarding a lot of important aspects of my life.
between the criminal case, which was BS and i got screwed (setting my expectations for divorce, doubly so now that i look like a POS to the courts due to aforementioned criminal case) The unfair way D is likely to go, and the fact that ive gotten screwed on scheduling with my Son. Im winning at nothing, and that doesnt seem likely to change.
Im honestly tempted sometimes to surrender paternity and just walk away and let her deal with the entire mess she made, alone.
I think you would live to regret that.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I know what needs to happen. I know where i need to get mentally and emotionally. I know she is a tumor. I know S3 is priority #1. I know there is no fixing this. I know she never loved me, and doesn't know how to love anyone. I know she is her worst enemy. I know time will take care of all karmic justice. I know these things. I know she is an easy harlot who is addicted to attention. I know she can never be trusted. EVER. I know i shouldn't have anything eve resembling love for her. I know our marriage was a sham, as was our relationship.
I just cant ACCEPT them.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
I think im going to take a break from posting my feelings for a while. I will continue to answer questions and respond, but i think im done with all the WOE IS ME posts. It isnt helping and you all probably just think im weak.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
I crave that "Oh my god what have I done" from her so bad, i know its unhealthy, but i crave it, like a drug fiend. I try to keep it out of my head, and its so prevalent.
What would your reaction be to her, "OMG, what have I done" moment? Based on the stories from the board, very few LBH's get to witness that moment. I mean, at some point in time you may be able to tell she has changed, but she may never share that precise moment and what it took to bring her to her senses. She may not have the experience. As I have said previously, your W seems to be following a behavior pattern.
I have known IRL a few women who followed a similar pattern and went from man to man. On the outside looking on, I could not see evidence that they learned their wayward/rebellious behavior didn't work well for them. They continued repeating the same pattern. So, who knows if your WW will change or if this will be years of a pattern for her. If I thought there was something you could actively do to affect a positive outcome with her......I would certainly tell you. At this point, I really believe that you need to cut ties (except for S3) and move forward in building a new life. Mourn the loss of that girl you fell in love with, and accept that she is gone. If someday your W wants to reconcile, I really don't think you will see the same girl you saw before M.
Here is how I see you, and maybe it's b/c I used to be a lot the same way. You referred to it as determination, but I see you not letting go of the desire to control. This is driving you nuts b/c you have no control over her. When you finally turn lose of trying to control the situation, then your thoughts will calm down and you will be able to move forward. You will know when you truely let go, b/c your body will feel it. As long as you are trying to rationalize and come up with all sorts of thoughts & feelings you think she has......it is a form of you wanting control her. You feed that desire by thinking of all these ways she must be feeling, etc. Can you see what I am saying? Listen, I know how difficult it is to recognize it in ourselves. We can label it as something else, but the bottom line is us wanting & trying to find some measure of control.
Wanting to send that letter is out of your need to control. You want to do some action to snap her back to her senses. That's control. Sending her the letter is heavy pursuit, which doesn't work with a WW. Don't you think other LBH's have tried it? Don't you know it would have been the first thing we would have suggested......if it worked?
I will be very frank about your letter. Although I believe you were trying to sound as if you take your share of responsibility for the breakdown......as a WW, I think she'll see it more like a con job. You try to sound one way.....but your anger surfaces. And like when you refer to S3, in every place you shout out "OUR SON". Clearly you are trying to relate a message by writing this in all caps each time, but I think it will have an opposite affect on her from what you wanted when writing OUR SON throughout the letter. It shows anger, blame and guilting. Although you may be justified in your feelings, I don't think the tone in the letter will have the results you intended. In fact, the letter could work in preventing her from ever giving you the answers you seek.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
