This is not a typical break up. Thats why your having trouble. There was conning and gaslighting and betrayal.
Its hard to believe that there are people in the world capapble of this until you actually meet them. I have an aquaintance that is a wayward that basically told me she went for her ex husband cause she ws aging and wanted a child. His business went under and she was outta there. (All the moms avoid her cause shes always leaving her kids with them any chance she can get to go out to dinner or go on dates)
There are people out there that are that selfish. And yeah, you fell for one. I did too. I was a cover story for a secret addict. Its easy, because i think a part of them falls for their own lies too. "Its only a lie if you believe it to be" Is there motto.
You were conned. You were a victim. But you dont have to continue to be victimized. Cut the strings from her. She is toxic.
Maybe evaluate what made you susceptible to that type of persons bullsh!t in the first place. Lonely? Insecure?
People have told you numerous times. You have won, if the 2 of them end up with each other.
Focus on the big picture. Getting custody and making surw you have legal protection so your son isnt sleeping in the samr bed as the 2 of them.
Its all the unanswered questions, all the unresolved pains. She left and pushed me away, wouldn't answer anything, fed me breadcrumbs, told me contradictory stuff, lied to me about things we both know i knew.
This is why i cannot let go. there are too many open holes, too many lose ends and unanswered questions. I feel so devalued, so worthless and hated. I get angry about being a Dad, i never asked to, but she got what she wanted, got her fake wedding and left me to die.
Ill never not need this information, these answers. She damaged me for life.
I am so close to quitting all of this and leaving.
OK, I know you think that being able to communicate with your W and even still living in the same house is easier. I can tell you it isn't.
The above quote feelings you are expressing you go through NO MATTER WHAT YOUR SITCH IS. I know you said in another post you envied those of us that still got to talk to and see our WWs. Well I envy you. You are NC not by choice, but guess what, seeing and talking to your WW makes it even harder to detach, GAL, 180, etc. Not reacting poorly to things she says and does are extremely difficult. There have been many times over the course of the last 5 months I should have shutup, walked away, validated, not engaged, not indulged, not initiated conversation, not begged, pleaded, reasoned, used logic, tried to convince, pressured, tried to reach out, and got rejected, got dismissed, got ignored, got disrespected, got verbally slapped, etc.
You got shutdown one time. I've gotten shutdown dozens of times. In the meantime, I am still supporting her financially. Despite all of the above. Yes she isn't currently in the arms of an OM. In some ways that would be even easier because I could move on, and focus on me and my daughter.
OK, you are spinning emotionally, I get it. Read my latest update and you will see that NONE OF US are immune from that. It can happen to any of us despite our current sitch, no matter how far along we are. Look at hoosjim, his WW seems to be fully committed back to their MR and doing the work, yet he still has things he dwells on and worries about.
OK, your son needs YOU. Not you in relation to your W, but YOU as the individual father in his life that will make all the difference in the man he grows up to be. Don't let your sitch with your W cause you to fall down on your responsibilities to him.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
We all want validation. I still do and i have been on here since 2015 posting under a different name.
I am coming to the realization that they are a different type of people.
Sandi posted once in t2034 (a pregnant poster) thread that she didnt understand the mentality of the LBS. She didnt comprehend the connection people like us have for people like them. Something like that.
They lack empathy and the same moral codes that we do. We end up projecting our beliefs onto them. But they wont validate cause very few are capable of that type of remorse.
Waiting or expecting it is gonna hold you back.
It would be like expecting remorse from jeffrey dahmer for eating children. Sure he might have expressed it if it would have prevented the death penalty. But its not there for him. Trying to understand him and project foo issues on him and get him to see your point of view on not killing people is a big waste, makes it dangerous for you amd wont change the past or give closure.
Its hard. I get obsessive too. Thats why im still on these boards. Just give it time and live day to day. Get out with friends. Connect with other people. Thats very helpful.
I read your last few posts. I really understand in many ways how you're feeling. It's not fair. The same happened to me - I brought my husband to the US from overseas, supported him for ten years until he got a real job, and do 100% of the work for our daughter. I also adored him and made him feel like a king with elaborate meals from his home country, cards, gifts, massages, compliments, and everything I could offer. Now he's off in our million dollar home living alone with a 26 year old (14 years younger than me) nurse who, according to her facebook page, spends her days in bikinis drinking alcohol and partying. She got to go on the trip to Dubai that my husband promised me. She gets to go to the fancy restaurants and romantic walks on the beach that I never got to do with my husband. She and my husband have all the freedom in the world to enjoy their time I'm at home doing 100% of the work raising our daughter alone. Our daughter was really sick last week and I texted my husband late at night for advice and he didn't even write back. Perhaps he was fast asleep next to his girlfriend or couldn't be bothered. Who knows. But it's not fair for me either. It's not fair to any of us who are abandoned in this way.
OrangeK you mention that you got a TRO from making a dent in your wife's car but don't remember doing it. If that happened it's difficult to know how your actions appeared to your wife or others. What if you really were violent to the point of your wife feeling afraid? I'm not saying that's any reason for her to go have an affair or give up immediately but if you have anger outbursts or lose control of yourself on medication then that's an area for personal growth.
You also mention being on medication for anxiety and depression in the past. If you have a pre-existing tendency to battle these conditions then that could be one reason why it's harder for you to move on than others. Perhaps a psychologist or psychiatrist and not just a counselor would be better for you even though they'll probably recommend medication again which is your choice whether you want to take it or not.
Since your wife has done this to you, you can now conclude that what you and your wife had together wasn't true love. If you work on yourself and find someone someday who can offer you true love then you'll be so happy. It's hard to imagine that when your wife has everything you wanted. I understand because my husband was so perfect in every way. I feel I'll never find anyone who is as attractive and smart and funny and all of those things....it's hard to be optimistic but what other choice do you have? Our spouses chose to leave and we know there's only a very small chance they'll possibly return in the distant future.
I'm trying to improve myself by having a more positive attitude around my daughter, focusing on career and faith, and trying to fix the things that hurt my husband like using a sarcastic tone of voice when I don't believe something he says. I'm sure you have things about yourself you'd like to improve too.
Nothing takes away the injustice, loneliness, betrayal, and total devastation of your life but there's no one to fix it for you. You could theoretically pack up and move to another city, state, or country to get a fresh start. That would be hard since you have a son, but you could take a long vacation. Quit your job, travel for a few months, and come back and get a new job. Your son won't remember someday if you were gone for a short time.
Otherwise we're just left alone by our spouses with no one else able to take their place and we have to stay alive. Our quality of life might be zero but if it's that bad it has to get better someday right?
I don't really know what to say because I feel the same way you do, but I'm trying to change myself because I did a lot of mean and hurtful things to my husband that didn't help our situation.
I hope you keep talking to everyone who will listen and maybe one day you'll find someone who cares more than everyone else who will help you reach a turning point. I have one friend like that for whom I'm grateful because a few months ago I felt just like you and couldn't even function.
Im sorry nicole. I really dont agree with your post (except the part about depression amd seeking support)
You seem very sweet but i think some of your advice is very 1950s stepford wivish and a bit dangerous.
I think leaving his son for a few months would be very dangerous. It would make it difficult for him to have any claims to custody and would not be good for his son who needs a stable parent. His wife is not stable and is bringing him into bed with OM.
"Trying to fix the things that hurt my husband"
Ugh. Hes cheating on you with a 26 year old!!!! F him. I am sure he deserved any bit of sarcasm cause he sounds like a POS. You probably knew deep down what he was up to hence the angry tones. 180s are valid in some situations, but just perpetuate the gaslighting those of us have been exposed to.
If your wife is cheating and all he did was dent the car, i give orange tons of credit.
People, we need to stop with the psychobabble and get a little more realistic!!!!
Orange, The adult population of the US is 250 million. Half of them are women. You have emotional tunnel vision. Quit chasing the one that fuched you over, get yourself together, and let one of the other 124,999,999 women come into your life and make you happy. I'm not trying to be a dick, and I understand how upset you are, but it's time to get real. You were conned. So was I. And now we have a choice. Feel sorry for ourselves, chasing answers and explanations for the behavior of $hitty people. None of which are going to make us happy or give us closure, but instead open another door to unanswered, unexplainable things. Or we can dust ourselves off, say "that sucked", and go out and grab life by the balls. Your son needs you more than ever right now, and I get it, you never planned on being a father. I never did either, and I have four kids. But guess what, you are. It's time to man up and do what deep down you know you need to do. And that's to face these problems head on instead of wanting to run away from them, and squash them into nothing. I know you can do it. And like I said earlier, I'm not trying to be an a$$hole, but trying to give you the motivation and clarity to do what I know you want to do deep down. Sorry if my 2x4 came across a bit harsh. You're a good dude, and you deserve the best. The ball is in your court now. Go out and succeed. Carpe diem, my friend...
Me: 38 W:31 Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4 M: 10 years T:12 years BD:Jan 3, 2018 W moved out: Apr 13,2018 Filed for D: Jun 2018 D final: Sep 2019
If your wife is cheating and all he did was dent the car, i give orange tons of credit.
This happened MONTHS after i found out about the affair. The "Dent" incident happened after a MC meeting, 3 months after i knew about the affair. The prior 3 months were spent pleading to save M, asking her to come home after she left "to take space" in Oct the day of BD.
She deliberately pushed my buttons and drove me into a rage at the MC meeting. Due to said Dent i now have had my TRO extended a full year, with a fine to be imposed if i violate it, so now MIL has to do all the pickups and drop offs with me for the next year. and i had to pay 1k in damages.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
I don't want to be dangerous in any way, so if you see something that appears wrong feel free to point it out.
From how I was reading it, it just seems very difficult for OrangeK to "leave it all" as he feels like doing so I was thinking a short trip to help him stabilize himself and would be a better alternative than actually leaving for good as he was saying....maybe my post wasn't worded well!
I don't recall the full context around OrangeK's dent in his wife's car so if it was right after he learned about her cheating then I can see how that could cause an outburst leading to a dent. It sounds likely his wife is trying to achieve something in a manipulative way through the TRO but if OrangeK is saying anger is one of his issues then I was reflecting back that that's an area for personal growth, but if that's worded wrong or sounds dangerous it's probably better to pretend to delete what I said.
I'm not sure if my post was 'psychobabble' but I thought DB recommends we work on ourselves which is something I'm trying to do and OrangeK may be considering as well. I'm not much better off than he is. I think many of us are at a low point in our lives but sometimes we want to say something, anything, to show support. I feel so bad for OrangeK because so many of his words reflect how I feel too.
I want to be less sarcastic because I'm sure difficult situations will arise again in the future in other relationships and I want to be better equipped to respond maturely. I can't change my husband's decision to have an affair but I wish I simply asked him politely to move out rather than try to make it work but become a resentful, mean, sarcastic person.
I apologize if my post came off as dangerous or psychobabble!
No nicole, you honesty sound like a really sweet person amd wonderful wife. And your ex does not deserve you.
I just feel like many of us on here blame ourselves too much. I really believe that the advice you are talking about is great advice when applied to a troubled marriage but not to situations when one spouse is cheating on the other.
I would like to catch up with your situation. But newcomers are sometimes not ready for my opinions.
