When he did say "packing his bags" I did respond to him by saying "fine then", then do something, H I want you to be happy!" To which he replied, "well I wouldn't be happy at OW's either" so he was contradicting himself throughout the whole conversation. H was just venting/releasing emotions. And, you are right, I cannot do anything for him.
Last night I let go of my expectations of H coming home at all. Got S4 to bed, got myself situated in bed, with my "Power of Praying Woman" book, on H's side. When H isn't there at night for some reason I sleep better when I'm on his side of the bed. Ended up laying there trying to pray and doze a little.
Well not too long after that I hear H pulling into our driveway into the garage. Took him a few minutes to get into the house. I was still laying on his side of the bed with the light on in the bedroom as I do that when H is gone until I'm drousy enough to sleep. Decided to move to my side of the bed and H ate some food in the kitchen and then came to bed.
I didn't say a word. H said "were you worried about me" and then answered his own question "no." I said well after the mood you were in today I didn't know if I should expect you or not. H said that had nothing to do with it..not quite sure what that meant.
I didn't really say anything unless H said something, mostly it was childish banter. Hey...did I wake you up? Me: No I was just dozing. Then again Hey...are you mad I turned the light on..me: no I wasn't sleeping. H: you do that to me when I'm sleeping. I said: because I need to get my pjs out of the room. I said a lot of times I don't turn the light on to which H responds "so you sneak around" yeah I know...he was trying to push my buttons last night. Eventually he fell asleep and then S4 wanted to come into our bed and H didn't even hear him, asked me this morning when S came into bed with us. Needless to say I didn't sleep very well last night.
I do have to ask H his plans for the weekend, etc. in order to plan my weekend. I like to know what he's doing, if he's going to take S4 with him, etc., etc. If he's not than I make arrangements. If I make arrangements ahead of time ASSuming H has his own plans and then H wants S I have to unarrange things. So it's better to know up front what H is doing...don't you think?
In order for me to fully detach I have to treat H the way he treated me when he left..like I don't care, H deal with it and it's hard because I do have FEELINGS, I don't like to see my child fail.. I mean my H..my feelings, the compassionate side of me that I never let show in the past,get in the way too many times.
But, I think I'm getting the picture here. H does have to come through this on his own, just like I did.
Quote: After working on ourselves and finding the direction we want to go in, one the hardest things to do is sit there on the curb ... wait and watch while our S's continue to stumble around the block time after time ... around and around they go ... enough to make anyone watching dizzy.
This is soo true, especially when they are at home. It was easier when H wasn't home.
Quote: The hardest part for you is asking yourself, do you think he is capable?
That is the million dollar question!!
Quote: and if you are not sure, how long are you willing to wait to find out?
I think about that once a while..you know how long do I give him?
Quote: but having to live with an unhappy spouse
My H hasn't been happy since I met him. In fact, I don't think he's ever been happy for too long. Tonight he's looking at a boat and said he's buying it if he likes it. I said go for it. Up till now his attempts to buy a used boat have been fruitless. H waits too long, if it's a good deal you have to be the first one there! H works so it's kind of hard, but today he was the first one! I hope it's in good shape and then he'll have his boat...we'll have a boat.
something my husband said day before yesterday made my think of your husband...
"there is nothing in my life that makes me happy anymore" - he was tired, he was hurting, he was hot, he was bothered by something that happened to work - but the funny thing is at that moment they really can't think of anything that makes them happy
your husband is really searching. he is pushing so many buttons to make YOU make the decision on what to do, so he has ONE MORE PERSON he can blame beside himself
don't let him do it cathy, stay strong, you are worth so much more than that
I just happened to stumble in here this morning and this is so much like my H, my thoughts, feelings and questions, and so much what I needed to hear right now. Thanks!
Quote: "there is nothing in my life that makes me happy anymore" - he was tired, he was hurting, he was hot, he was bothered by something that happened to work - but the funny thing is at that moment they really can't think of anything that makes them happy
It's so sad because from where I'm sitting I see so many good things about my H's life. H has a lot more than a lot of people have, but he can't see that from his prison.
When I spoke with H this morning he was still in his bear mood. Hates his job, says it's the only constant in his life and it's taking him nowhere..yeah a lot of jobs are like that. H seems to forget he makes very good money and can afford a lot of things other people can't.
Told him I had plans to meet a gf for dinner and "oh we have an event tonight!" Okay I'll pick up S which means I won't be stopping off at the bar--just his tone of voice! The anger isn't really directed at me or anybody, H is venting. He's just not happy. And besides he was going to look at a boat anyway, when all was said and done, H was just being a bear about me having plans and him having to pick up son.
I told H to go look at his boat, I'll pick up S, I can wait till H gets home or maybe drop him at SIL's until H gets home. SS20 is also coming over tonight so maybe he can pick up his brother.
H just likes everything to think his life is sooo awful...when it's not.
I just listen to my H vent, just I like I do any other friend and try to keep "me" out of it as it really has nothing to do with me at all!
please ALWAYS remember that this isn't about you cathy. this is all about him and his journey, and he is still going down, not up
he hasn't hit rock bottom yet, and only by hitting rock bottom will he be in a position to climb up
i am gonna be BLUNTLY honest here - cause this is something that is consistantly bothering me about your sitch, and this is about his drinking - does your husband have any idea how lucky he isn't DEAD yet from drinking and driving??? i hurt for you cause i am scared that one day you are gonna get a call from the cops with the dreaded news that he has been killed in an accident
does he even consider this happening to him???
i am gonna share a story with you. my brother (sober for two decades) was a drug addict. we tried intervention, really everything we could - my mother one day finally called the cops and said, my son is at such and such bar and he will be leaving it high and if you stop him and take him in maybe that will teach him a lesson
well it did - he was impounded for three days. had to go to rehab and has been sober ever since. they did the WHOLE gambut on him - the whole "tough love" thing - it was nasty but it made the point
maybe where you live they have that kind of program? cause honestly, he is either gonna kill himself, or worse yet, he is gonna kill someone innocent. and if you think he hates himself NOW -
ugh, please take this under the spirit it was intended ok? you don't need this drama - your son doesn't need this drama - take some action...
Quote: In order for me to fully detach I have to treat H the way he treated me when he left..like I don't care,
No, that's not necessarily true. LOVING detachment comes when you recognize that although you love and care for the other person, even when they are not meeting YOUR needs, that you really don't have control over their decisions. Loving detachment comes when you stop REACTING to everything they do and focus on getting a life for yourself. Loving detachment means NOT reacting out of anger or spite, but keeping unconditional love in your heart.
I keep hearing your H asking for reassurance that you love him. How many times has he implied that you don't care, or wouldn't care if he left? He sounds desperate for reassurance that you still love him despite everything. You can tell him that and still keep some reasonable boundaries.
And yes, he desperately needs treatment for his alcoholism and depression.
Loving detachment..you are so right. It's like I've forgotten everything... I am getting back to basics.
You know I try to show him, tell him I love him and it's like I have to constantly do that. The other night he made some comment about not caring something like "everybody except you" and I said what do I have to do to show you "jump off the roof" to which he replied, under his breath, like a smart a**, sarcastically "I wish you would" Now my H's sense of humor and mine or kind of alike sometimes...I just laughed because it did not bother me at all.
And the other night when I couldn't get hold of him, I left him two voicemails regarding where he was, was he picking up son, thought he'd be there to distract S4 and then thought about the messages and left him ANOTHER voicemail saying "oh and I love you" so three voicemails in less then ten minutes.
Well my weekend is going great. Last night I met a gf for dinner and some drinks. We had a great time. I don't see her very often, her H and my H are from the same hometown. It was a nice evening.
When I got home H and S were in bed. SS20 was channelsurfing. He was staying over night as H and son's were going to take tree stands down today. H took SS to get new tires for SS's car bright and early this morning. H bought a boat (yippee) last night so they picked that up today too. It's too cold to fish or anything to H got it parked in the garage and said "there we have a boat big woo" lol...nothing makes him happy for long does it...I just laughed and said "not even 24 hours that you've had it."
While they were away this afternoon I went shopping. Came home, they all got back here and H took a shower and got ready to go out. I didn't say a word, I didn't ask where he was going, S4 asked and H said "I'm leaving and not coming back."
H was button pushing the whole time he was getting ready and before he was leaving. H was struggling, like he didn't want to leave but HE had to leave, like a person with an addiction. He poked around for a bit, tried to stall. I went outside to do yard work, at that point H came out with his coat on. I told S to give him a hug, H did say where he was going, to his bar. S and I both waves as he left. Who really knows what H does when he's out and about....I do not ask. Am I in denial? I don't think so, I don't want H to have to lie about it to me. When/if he's ever ready he can tell me.
I think what T2 told me during one of our chats is true, H is trying realling hard to NOT drink..as he doesn't think he has a drinking problem. He's not drinking as much these last couple of weeks, but it's like he can't stop himself. I am seeing for the first time, I am not a part of his problem, so I can observe.
I think I'm re-detaching or however you say that, maybe even a little more than I was. I keep thinking back over H's behavior over the years and I'm really seeing it all for the first time and that it didn't have anything to do with me. I made it about me, co-dependent is that what they call it? Well no more.
This is H's journey and either he'll make it or he won't. The one thing that recently came to light is that H has been unhappy for a long, long time....what if he stays unhappy for the rest of his life. I think tonight when I wasn't playing his game, at one point I came right out and said to H "what is wrong" when he started pushing buttons. He told me something and then the conversation kind of dropped and he sat looking dejected/in another world. Went and logged onto the computer for a bit, at that point I went outside and that's when he left.
I came back into the house and he hadn't even disconnected from the phone...which is always does. So H was definitely distracted.
S4 is in bed, I'm sitting at the computer for awhile and then I'll got bed.
I mean my H..my feelings, the compassionate side of me that I never let show in the past,get in the way too many times.
