Can I really do this?

[Dtrmned]

Monday morning weekend update.

Weekends are always tough. I think I had mentioned this before since my W and I are both at home. I was determined that this weekend we would make it through without a fight or an argument.

My D had a dance on Friday evening. I was driving her and a friend and they were getting ready at our house. Everything was fun. W came downstairs, we were alone for a few minutes. She leaned and stretched out over the island of the counter. She has been in tons of pain this week due to her medical conditions and exhaustion due to RX changes. Seeing she was in pain, I reached out and rubbed her neck for a few minutes. Nothing major. She said thank you and wished it could last for a while. I said, well our S will be playing and our D is off to her dance in a bit, if you'd like, I can work on your neck and back when I get back from running her to school. She said that would be great.

So dropped of D, came home and prepped up the room just a bit. Put towels down so not to get oil on the sheets, turned up a space heater (W is always cold so trying to help her relax). She came up, got up, dropped her dress to her waist, laid down and unhooked her bra. Ok, before this goes any further, I know what you are ALL thinking. This was not a sexual, sensual or anything of the sort act other than my trying to help my W relax from a very difficult week. Did I want to connect? YES. Did I want her to see me as compassionate, caring, etc.? YES. Still, not the reason I did this.

Anyway, back to the story. Began working on her back and neck. She said that her lower back was really tight. Moved down to that area. Moved her dress and panties down slightly so as not to get oil on them. I just got involved in helping her relax. Something we have done for years, but not done in a long, long time. Fast forward through and she then was totally naked (towel given to her to cover to make sure I showed respect and that this wasn't going anywhere). I finished the massage, wiped he oil off her body, we watched a show, and she thanked me for the massage and said she felt tons better and way more relaxed.

No jumping for joy on this one, but it did feel good to physically connect with my wife.

Saturday afternoon comes. I went to change into my workout clothes to go for a run. She was sitting at her table in the bedroom and said she wanted to talk. She said she was very emotional about what happened last evening and wanted to talk about it. Ok, let's talk. She thanked me again for the massage. Then while crying went into how she feels I crossed a boundary by giving her the massage and her ending up naked in front of me. She said that she feels like she froze during the massage and that she didn't have control. She was not yelling or anything like that. Made sure to point out that she totally thought that I wasn't trying to make a pass at her, or take advantage of her in any way. I responded that I was sorry that she felt that way, that if she was uncomfortable at any time that she should have said something, anything. I recalled the evening at each time I moved to a different area, I would let her know. I also know that I told her prior to removing her dress and underwear that I was doing so merely to make sure that no oil was going to get on them. I have seen this woman without clothes 1000's of times over 20+years. I know her body better than she does sometimes. She is gorgeous. To me she is perfect, scars, freckles, curves, all of it. BUT the night wasn't about that. I was merely about trying to help her relax.

We spoke about this for a few minutes. I told her I never wanted to make her feel uncomfortable, on the contrary, it seemed like she was very relaxed during the entire session. But, I did validate her feelings and again said I had zero intentions of hitting on you or thinking anything was going to come of it (in the past, we these sessions more often than not ended in a fun encounter). She then mentioned the fact that if we are moving on from one another that she has to move more towards detaching from our MR. She asked that we move towards getting our plan together for this. I responded that I had sent her some forms to fill out and was waiting on her response so we could hopefully work all of the issues out prior to filing and we can do our best not to involve attorneys. She then went on to mention that we need full and open lines of communication so we don't read too much into each other. She stated that last week when she had found out I bought a few new clothes, that she "was ready to file that day" she was so pissed. She said that after we spoke, she got it off her chest, and she understood why I did, that she was not as volatile any longer.

How are we supposed to detach (her desire) and keep full, open lines of communication?

Was Friday really a "shock" to her, or was it that she started to feel in her heart and missed me a bit? I only ask this as her emotions seemed sincere. I can tell when she is pissed and crying. This was not one of those times. It was heartfelt and she was feeling.

Is she pushing me away now since she saw that she still has feelings for me and us?

Wrapped up the conversation, went on my run, and we just watched tv that evening.

Yesterday was easy. Morning run, afternoon run, household chores and errands. W was in a RX tailspin after missing one of her doses. She had 3 naps that took most of the day. (gonna be hard to fit in that job in the future isn't it?)
Took the kids to an early dinner to get us all out for a bit. And finally settled down and watched a show and then bed.

So, NO FIGHT!! I think that was a great accomplishment.

How do I deal with what happened? She says she is bound and determined to see this divorce happen. I am looking for feedback as I value what is said back. I believe DB'ing is working. I am committed to it. Kids get out on 3 weeks from school so I don't know if that is when she is thinking of moving or not (don't know how she is going to accomplish this or not either).

Feedback...PLEASE!!!