You need to go back and read sandi's post on Wayward Wives. WWs are NOT the person you thought you knew. The girl you met, wooed, and married is gone. Potentially never to return, at least not on any timetable you might have or want.
I will do that. How does this change happen? what causes it and is it a PERMANENT change? Forever? I don't understand this. How can someone have ideals, morals, boundaries and a plan for their life, and then completely abandon all of those, and literally nuke everything they have worked towards for 5 years? Where is the logic? How is it rationalized at all? It makes no sense, even the lies and slander campaign? We spoke vows of eternal love, and she as far as i know, was already aware of what would happen or she changed her mind 150% within a 4 month time frame. IT DOESN'T COMPUTE.
Originally Posted By: Steve85
So you would not be sending this letter to the girl you married, but to the monster that has taken her place. With that knowledge do you still think it is a good idea to send it?
If it could somehow shock her to reality, then yes. Im just reeling from how much this doesn't make sense to me. it flies in the face of everything i knew about her, everything she ever told me, every desire and hope she had ever expressed.
Im trying so hard to convince myself she isn't narcissistic and unfix-able, that she isn't the monster she has shown herself to be.
Heres the thing. Her past shows this pattern. I didnt know any of this when we met, dated or got engaged. I thought after i learned some of this about her that we were different. That i had finally provided everything she was hoping for, but it really seems she will always want something more, or different.
I live in constant fear that OM will be the one she stays with. This infuriates me. He is inferior, it doesn't make sense. I'm not saying this out of jealousy or spite. He has no morals, he knowingly destroyed his own engagement and my family to be with my wife. He is far less attractive than me, he still lives with his parents. the only thing i can think of is that he is more submissive, more plyable to her will and manipulations, but as long as they are together, i cant seem to let this go. I know i need to detach from her and OM and their situation together but i simply CANNOT. i have tried everything i can think of. I LOVE HER TOO MUCH, SHE GOT ME ADDICTED TOO WELL.
everyone says time heals, i see other people who have been separated far less time than me that are moving on, GAL'ing and detaching successfully. Why can i not do this? why am i failing? Why can i not transfer my hurt, betrayal and pain to confidence, indipendance and freedom of will?
How does she hold such power over me, without even having to talk to me, see me, or anything?
The lack of closure is too much to bear. I dont think ill ever heal without an explanation, some remorse, some actual emotion from her and ill never get it. She doesnt possess it.
Shes just going to hate me forever, and i didnt even do anything to make her hate me.
I feel demasculated, OM is an ugly chump and yet he has gotten all i ever wanted in life. He has stolen my family away from me, and she gave it all to him willingly.
I dont want to scare anyone, but this is literally driving me insane. Im getting to the point where i dont want to do any of this anymore.
I want to burn everything i own, and leave, never to be seen here again. I want to vanish. The pain is too much to live with everyday. its too much, she took all i had.
The first part of your response, trying to apply logic to a WW, tells me that you are not retaining what you've read and should have learned from this forum. You cannot apply logic to WWs. They are driven by feelings, not thoughts. They are driven by what they think makes them happy, not logic. If you try to apply logic here you will drive yourself nuts. There is nothing logical about what she has done. And as long as she is wayward she will continue to be illogical.
On the second half, wow man. You need to dig deep and find your personal value. The value that you have devoid of everyone else. It is there. You have innate value, no matter what anyone else does or says. You are still defining yourself in terms of her. As long as you do that she wins.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Stay calm Orange. You have a son to raise. Please... Do not play insane mind games. There is no need for that. Stay calm. Take your time, enjoy your son.
Its all the unanswered questions, all the unresolved pains. She left and pushed me away, wouldn't answer anything, fed me breadcrumbs, told me contradictory stuff, lied to me about things we both know i knew.
This is why i cannot let go. there are too many open holes, too many lose ends and unanswered questions. I feel so devalued, so worthless and hated. I get angry about being a Dad, i never asked to, but she got what she wanted, got her fake wedding and left me to die.
Ill never not need this information, these answers. She damaged me for life.
I am so close to quitting all of this and leaving.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
If you send her that letter i will be willing to bet good money that she will sit there and read it to all her friends and family and to OM. It will be further proof that "orange wont leave me alone. Why doesnt he get it. This is super creepy and boarder line stalkerish"
She will get off on having men fight for her and OM will get off on protecting her from you.
DONT SEND THE LETTER.
Get out of this mind set. The only way you can win this is by complete NC.
Fake it till you make it.
Take it day by day. Like your trying to give up sugar. Post here. " Made it 3 days with no contact" then make it a week. Then a month. You need it to break this addiction.
I cant afford it anymore. Im not looking for another one. those resources need to go elsewhere. I make 15 an hour, and live in a very expensive area, im on the verge of homelessness and poverty as it is.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
"Get out of this mind set. The only way you can win this is by complete NC.
Fake it till you make it." Ive been NC since Jan 24th. Not a word, eye contact, a single text/email/phone call. Nothing.
Its only getting harder, and worse. Faking it isnt making it, i wish it would, but its not. Like i said, others have been doing this for less time with far more success. She trauma bonded me too good. I cant get her out of my head, i would physically purge her out if i could. I wish i could get selective amnesia, that would be easier.
Although you make a great point about what she would do with the letter, thank you for putting it that way. I crave that "Oh my god what have I done" from her so bad, i know its unhealthy, but i crave it, like a drug fiend. I try to keep it out of my head, and its so prevalent.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
