I struggle with it, still waking up around 4 am (less often now, but often enough) and I usually wake up feeling SO angry and deeply hurt and a still amazed at the ugly discoveries I've made this past 18 months - and the shock I feel by these discoveries, even now.
Thing is, it's not healthy FOR ME. My son said he's tired of feeling "so much rage" at his dad and that it's hurting HIM (ie my son).
And I know it will consume ME, not xh, if I let it. These folks know nothing of what WE struggle with - X is in his La La Land and if anything, if he learned of my pain and anger, he'd think I should have moved on by now. X is very shallow and I projected so much more depth onto him than was real...b/c I'm not shallow...
So the longer I give rental space in my head/heart to x, the worse I make it for ME.
Every minute I spend angry at x, is 60 seconds I could have spent laughing, or reading or growing...
These phrases ^^^do not always help me, but they are sinking in more.
None of the sentences above pretend that I was not wronged. My kids were wronged too. They know it and I know it.
But at some point I have to let it go or I'll spend the rest of my life reviewing the litany of grievances I have at my x, which I know ARE TOTALLY VALID.
What he did is indisputably selfish and dishonest and indefensible. I don't care what his version is or how crazy his narrative is, I KNOW he betrayed me in every way an H can betray a wife
and he's been a POS father too. I know this, my kids know this and the folks who knew us as a couple, also know it. Most importantly I know it and God knows it.
So, now what? I mean, what do we DO WITH THAT? We were wronged, but rather than being victims, we want/need to be survivors.
Our kids will get gut punched by life, too. They'll feel heartbroken or betrayed at some point in their lives.
WE must model how to handle that with grace, strength and dignity. TO recover and regain our lives and take back our power. That is part of our job, I think.
AND besides, I have finite years left on earth and I refuse to give anymore of my precious time to my x.
It's like I've realized I was sort of a slave to him while married. The subversive commentary and the sabotaging behind my back still stings...but I followed him around with numerous moves and he was NOT grateful.
But if I keep waiting for the grand apology or expecting him to change, or wake up and realize the depth of the pain he inflicted on the 4 people who loved him the most, or if I stay paralyzed with my grief and anger,
then I feel like I'm choosing to remain a slave rather than freeing myself. I have to be free now.
Might not be the best analogy but it works for me.
Make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
