[s]No[/s] affair, no feelings...is there hope? III

[sandi2]

Well I want to clarify something. Telling you to be vague was for a couple of specific reasons. One was to break your habit of talking her to death and spilling your guts to the point of leaving no mystery, and therefore, not much interest from her. The other was related to her drilling you for details about everything you did, and especially when you were GAL. You interacted as if you had to give a minute by minute account for yourself. Alpha men don't behave with a woman in that manner. I told you not to fear what she might think or how she may respond.........b/c as a H with NGS, you need to break away from living in that pattern of answering to your W as though she's your mother. Both of you need to learn she is in no authority over you and in no position to interrogate you.......nor, will she ever be in that position, b/c you won't allow it. You are going to start behaving like a grown a$$ man, instead of a wuss, and she will learn to respect you as a man......or deal with the consequences. Also, since she has lost sexual attraction for you and has chosen not to sleep in the same bed, she needs to realize she loses more than just physical intimacy with you.

What I want to make very clear is that I do not encourage anyone to lie and be dishonest. I don't think I told you to intentionally make your W think you were dating. I did tell you that this would be exactly where she would go, didn't I? She needs to wonder what you are doing.......and to realize she could be putting you on the open market.......and that she could lose you. However, I don't think you should deliberately say things to try and make her believe you are dating or being unfaithful.

Frankly, I would have to laugh at her hypocrisy.

She said it would be inappropriate. Ah, interesting, seems we agree then.

That would have been the perfect response to her^^^^^^^^^^. Let me caution you not to get so carried away with giving vague answers that you are being dishonest. Understand why you give vague answers and when to give them. We want this to work in favor of the MR......not against it. Remember to stay balanced.

Sure, you answer them...with lies!! This would have all been "good communication" except for the fact that it was actually a game that I lost, essentially because I didn't play my trump card--which is that I know of her A. It became a discussion that required (and was about) honesty and transparency and neither one of us gave it. I had to become vague and evasive because I knew the whole thing was a sham, and she wondered why I was being complicated and confusing. She wants to demand honesty and realness from me, and even go so far as to say she thinks she has "been pretty good at continuing communication with me" and we have both been open about our thoughts and feelings. It was all so convincing for a minute I almost doubted what I have seen with my own eyes.

She is projecting, IMHO. If another discussion should start down this familiar trail, I think you would be better off to change the subject or just end the call. Eventually the A will need to be addressed. I had hoped you could change the emotional dynamics in the MR, first. I am still hoping this trip will give you time and space to get a better idea of how to do it. So whenever you have these type of conversations where she is being a hypocrite and playing her games, don't give her the impression you are buying a word of it. I don't mean that you call her a liar.......but just in the way you respond. I have a feeling the conversation ended with her having the last word, so to speak, about being open & honest with each other.

Here's the truth of the matter. She wants you to be open and honest with her. But she doesn't want to admit that she's not abiding by the same rules. If you called her out on the A, she would say it was nothing and he was just a friend, that she knew you would misunderstand......yada, yada, yada. She would have you doubting your own grandmother by the time she got through spinning her yarn. So, make darn sure winning the game is well worth playing your trump card! You only get one shot at it, and you'd better make sure you have the advantage when you use your trump. Revealing it through texting is not the way to play it, IMHO.

When she is texting you and sounding nice and respectful, then you return in kind. Some questions are probably her way of finding something to discuss, but if she's drilling or other disrespectful stuff........use one word responses. If she starts blowing up your phone b/c she's mad.......stop answering completely and turn off the phone for a couple of hours. Don't lie about it, just tell her you are an adult and won't be subjected to her interrogation. You can text her at the end of the day and tell her that she can't treat you that way anymore. Tell her if she wants a reply, she has to talk respectfully, and interrogation is not respectful communication. You just have to stand up to her.