I called my H this morning on my way to work to see what his plans for the weekend were and oh my the flood gates opened!
He is not a happy man! Started in on what his plans were, threw in "packing my bags" with his plans, as an after thought. Said "we" don't have anything, feels like he's home just for S. I said don't say "we" because I don't agree. He then said can't you tell I'm not happy?" Then went on to say how S doesn't listen, the house is falling down, the lawnmower/snowblower's are junk. My brother wouldn't help him out, blah, blah, then started in on his family. His younger brother and how he didn't help putting up his parent's ramp last weekend, how his brother worked in his own yard, and blah, blah and how he wouldn't be happy at OW's either because he'd miss S4 too much, his inquisitiveness, the things he says, blah, blah. How his mom ended up paying for the birthday dinner for his dad. My H gave our portion, but none of his family did, and blah, blah. I just agreed that his mom shouldn't have had to pay for the dinner, that everyone should have paid their own share.
He said I don't talk to him. I said yes I do, you don't talk. H then said maybe it's me then. Oh he is not a happy man. Ended the conversation with "now that I've ruined your day like mine's ruined, have a good day. I ended by saying "I hope you day gets better"
After I hung up I started crying. Crying for my H because there's nothing I can do for him except pray. I don't think it matters what I do/don't do at this point for my H, except be his freind.
Is this where I need to be silent and let H come through ths on his own?
In this instance, you can just be a friend, somebody who will listen to his complaints because it is his perception of how things are. What he has listed are all external things and his reaction to them. He is still in the "blame everybody and circumstance" mode. He just does not get it yet, just like my H. That for them to be happy, they have to like themselves from the inside. I don't know what it will take for them to do that. They have to be the one to figure it all out without interference from us.
For now, just go on and focus on you and your S. No matter what you do or don't do, he is going to be unhappy until he decides he has had enough and to change his way of thinking or to seek help to do that.
Quote: I read somewhere a very simple line that went something like, "I can not live my life auditioning for someone's love." That simple sentence hit me like a bolt of lightening because I realized that my walking on egg shells was exactly that, "auditioning" for my H's love. In that moment of realization I became furious with myself and ashamed of my own pathetic behavior.
There I was, a reasonably successful, professional woman, attractive, well respected by my peers, educated and engaged with the 'outside world,' and yet, the minute I stepped over the threshold of my home I turned into a simpering, frightened child. I realized that I WASN'T living, I was existing in the hope that I could regain my H's love. I sat that night and weighed all the pros and cons of our life together and his betrayal and in a flash I was finally at peace and a sense of calm resolve over took me. In that instant I had decided that my life was far to valuable to allow myself to live in the shadow of my H's self indulgences any longer.
I immediatelly regained my strength of character, my commitment to take back control of my own happiness and promised myself that I would NEVER allow MY life to come second to anyone ever again.
From that day forward I spoke my mind, I swept up all the egg shells in my house and never walked on them again. I set immoveable boundaries for myself and under no condition am I ever going to be willing to allow anyone to ever cross them on me again.
Once I regained my sense of self and dignity again my H suddenly began to start walking the talk of a remorseful and humbled man.
The result has been that my H and I are now enjoying our life together. We have learned a new level of respect for each other, a new and better way of confronting our issues respectfully and calmly and our house hasn't been this peaceful in years.
Take back control of your life Allii, and with it, may very well come your H, and THAT is my wish for YOU. T2
T2--love this!! Found it under newcomers and wanted it for me. "auditioning" is an interesting way to look at at it...maybe that's what I've been doing and H could care less...says "bring on the next one" I'm still not happy.
Hope--that he can blame anybody else but himself is funny in a way...I mean look at all the things he's done in his life. His brother working on his own yard, rather than help out his parents--where by the way there were more than enough people helping out--yet H thinks it okay to walk out on his family for an OW?
I don't know what it's going to take H either to realize that everything he's looking for is there--inside of him.
Well the bear called me not too long ago. Said since he wasn't in a very good mood this morning, said he was calling me to try talking again..well he's still a bear! I asked him how work was going and he said not good...would you like to be stuck out here! He's running his crane and it's windy he said aren't you glad I'm not running tower crane still, think of the mood I'd be in then. Then asked me if I wished I'd never met him 13 years ago or however long it was? I said no. H said if hadn't met him I wouldn't be in this mess. I said I didn't think it was so bad and it's life. Life is like that.
Is this where I need to be silent and let H come through ths on his own? -------------------------------------------------------
Yes! Your h is the ONLY one that can help himself get through this. You need to stop taking the bait when he needles you and you must give up what he definitely sees as you trying to control him. You must let him be and go on with your life, doing things for yourself and your son foremost. If you continue to ask too many questions he will pack those bags and I know you don't want that. He's very much like a terrible teenager.
I know it's about 7:00 where you are but wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you. I know the bear called you and was still a bear. Listen to Sting...just let your H be for now.
Hope you're getting lots of hugs and kisses from the little guy tonight.
Thanks for the thoughts. I must move forward, it's kind of hard hearing that someone doesn't have any feelings for you and makes you wonder why you're even trying. Especially if it doesn't really matter to my H..he could take me or leave me..with the flip of a coin.
I'm started detaching, have to just to keep MY sanity, looking forward without any expectations at all from H, that maybe it might be better if he did move out and on with his life. I won't ask him to move out and I don't want him to move out, but if he's not happy here then why is he staying? Just for our S?
H isn't home yet, H is more than likely drinking. I don't know how much longer I can take H running to OW, the wondering what kind of shape/mood he'll be in when/if he does get here. I guess I should just not expect him home tonight. But, then he'll call me in the morning and blame me for everything...arghhhh.
Only God knows what H is going to do tonight and where he'll end up.
Here you go again. You are letting his words get to you. If it is so easy for him to leave you with just a flip of the coin, then why did he come home?
This is a cycle for you guys. He uses this every time he feels insecure and you fall right into it. Step up to the plate and the next time that he says that, let him go in word and action. Tell him if that is what he wants to do, then do it, but to stop throwing it in your face. That you have told him many times that you want him here because you love him, but if he insists that he is going to go then go.
He is having a pity party and you keep joining in with him. He is searching and wanting you to give him the answer that is going to snap him out of this and you can not give him that answer. He could not give you the answer that you needed. The only person that could help you was the Lord. He took everyone out of your life until you looked up and called on him.
Your husband is alone and in depression big time and doesn't like what he feels. Then he has to do something about it and stop wanting you to do it for him. You are his crutch. The only thing that you can do for him is pray and put him in the hands of the Lord. Trusting that the Lord is doing exactly what he needs to in order to change your husband.
Your husband is being stripped very much in the same manner that you were when all of this started. Now he is walking in your shoes and acting like a little baby. Nobody loves me, feel sorry for me, make it go away and blah, blah, blah.
Let the peace of the Lord come into you and take care of you and let the rest go.
Hi Cathy, After working on ourselves and finding the direction we want to go in, one the hardest things to do is sit there on the curb ... wait and watch while our S's continue to stumble around the block time after time ... around and around they go ... enough to make anyone watching dizzy.
Your H still has feelings for you. Its just that they are buried under the ton of "crap" he is focusing on now...
Quote: Then went on to say how S doesn't listen, the house is falling down, the lawnmower/snowblower's are junk. My brother wouldn't help him out, blah, blah, then started in on his family. His younger brother and how he didn't help putting up his parent's ramp last weekend, how his brother worked in his own yard, and blah, blah and how he wouldn't be happy at OW's either because he'd miss S4 too much, his inquisitiveness, the things he says, blah, blah. How his mom ended up paying for the birthday dinner for his dad. My H gave our portion, but none of his family did, and blah, blah.
That whole list and not one complaint about you, except when brought up...
Quote: He said I don't talk to him. I said yes I do, you don't talk. H then said maybe it's me then.
... and even there you were taken out of the equation of what's wrong with his life, but he is still the one that has to figure it out for himself. The hardest part for you is asking yourself, do you think he is capable? and if you are not sure, how long are you willing to wait to find out?
Not sure if this post is helping you out any, but having to live with an unhappy spouse for more years than I wish to count, these are the answers I'm trying to figure out myself.
