No more denial, time to get to work

[MRay]

We met with the mediator yesterday, and we have a clear idea of the divorce process and costs and all of that. What was scheduled for 2 hours only took 40 minutes. The mediator said we were just about the easiest case she'd seen in 30+ years because we were so civil and friendly with each other. She praised our ability to trust each other through this process and how open we were about everything. It's amazing to me how two people that have been through so much over the last 16 years can just fall apart like this, but still be so friendly. For her it's just that she sees me as a brother because she loves me, but doesn't have romantic feelings. For me it's my inner strength. I really want what is best for her, and more importantly, my kids.

We still don't know who is going to get the house. I can afford a house that is equal to our current house in every way if we split. She can't. She'd have to move to a less desired neighborhood about a 10-15 minute drive away. I'm pretty sure at this point what I say goes with the house. We both want it, but if I said I wanted it she wouldn't put up much of a fight. There is a house less than a mile from my current one that is the exact same floorplan (I love my house's setup), on the same street (not in sight of each other as the road is split by a major road through the suburbs so that would be good), and I could really see myself living there. The kids would have the same rooms and everything. I'm not sure if that would be good for them or not. I've been looking at houses around us for a couple months, and just haven't seen anything else I like in my price range. I've got to move fast if I want it though. If I don't end up with that house, I might tell her to find herself a place (I told her to start looking in case she is the one to move out).

We are going to her parents house this evening to tell them we are divorcing. I'm going because they are our lenders, so we need to discuss finances and everything dealing with the houses with them. I wouldn't be surprised if they offered me a loan to buy that house, and I'm not sure if I would take them up on it if they did. No matter what, this is happening and I'm okay. I'm getting strong every day. It's so bittersweet. I am grieving the loss of the life we had and what we had planned for the future. As seems common, we were discussing major plans for the next couple decades just days before BD. And looking back she seemed so genuine and excited during these conversations. It's amazing how you think you know somebody so well, and they can hide what they are feeling so damn well for so long. At the same time I'm excited for my life. I'm really finding myself in my GAL. My workouts are going awesome. I'm starting to reach my short term goals, and I'm in as good of shape since I was 17 years old. I hate cardio, but I went for a 3 mile run yesterday along with my weight training. I've joined a softball league that runs for the next couple months. I'm taking my kids to an amusement park tomorrow. I'm going to a fundraiser with some new friends tonight and will meet a lot of new people there. I took my kids to watch the engineering class at my college launch their rockets. I'm seriously doing so much stuff. I'm having a blast! I still get really sad when I think about losing everything, but it's not debilitating like a couple months ago. I'm tearing up as I type this, but at the same time I'm so hopeful. Not that my W will return to me some day (I still think that's a pretty likely possibility way down the line), but that I am a freakin' amazing person. I'd lost some of that somewhere along the way, and I'm so glad it's coming back. I'm not changing who I am, but I am finding the person I was meant to be all along.

I don't get many responses here, but I'm pretty sure it's because I don't ask many questions. I get a lot out of just typing this all out, so it's not a big deal. I really appreciate those of you that have responded to me. I do read just about every other thread, and I get a lot out of it. So thanks to everybody for sharing their stories and taking time to help. I'll continue to journal where appropriate. Good luck to everybody out there!