dusty - yeah. I think once I realized that it totally changed everything for me. Also allowed me to find a way to achieve balance in life. My life was so unbalanced and tilted towards kids and other people that I was digging myself into the ground. I had no skills to figure out how to meet that balance. This has helped me being able to let go of my controlling tendencies as well because I've been able to balance my somewhat neurotic controlling tendencies and weighing it against what would be the worst consequence if things didn't go according to 'my' plan or the 'right way of doing stuff'. And I realized that the consequences are truly nothing to get worked up about - result in being destressed and less controlling and less anxious.
I saw W today briefly at kids activity and for the first time I didn't have a small pit in my stomach. I've been trying to just pretend and act 'as if' and doing it, but there has always been a small level of anxiousness and uncertainty. Today it was all good. I went and saw my kids and admired what they did and had the regular hello convo with W without feeling anything was gnawing at me slowly from the inside - which I consider quite a victory where I am at emotionally and mentally.
Again, feeling like I've reached a new zone of detachment and self-confidence and self-worth.
Also, I think this is the first time in my life I feel that I am a good looking attractive man. I've had flirty and fun convos with some women lately and it has been quite good for my self-esteem. Not saying I am some stud or something, but I never felt in my life that I was worthy of being loved and someone would be attracted to me. I know now that it isn't true and I know that I look good and I put myself together quite well - I have my own style and aesthetics, I groom well, and I have an outgoing confident personality that is coming out again. I am in a place where I can see that women are noticing that and it's cool. I am not being a narcissist or anything, but I am realizing that I can attract good people and that I am not doing anything for anyone else, but me. I think I am finally in a place where I am coming to terms to loving myself and forgiving myself - not just for the MR, but for stuff that's happened in life that I took the blame and burden for.
Everything is coming together slowly and clicking in the right places. I think for the first time in my life I am truly feeling what happiness and joy can feel like - and that is because I am finally loving myself and who I am and what I bring.
It has been such a journey and I wish I could explain in more detail some of the aspects of my journey, but that would be revealing too much personal information, and I don't want W or someone I know to find me out here and read my DB journey.
All in all, at the core of this, if you can patiently work to find that love for yourself and forgive yourself, the rest is all pancakes and whipped cream and chocolate syrup.
I won't be saving my MR as I see it now, but I am not fazed by it anymore. I want newbies who come here to read my story and see that I am a blazing success - I certainly feel that way and it shows because I am finally coming to be who I am again. There is a good place after the dark tunnel. Saving yourself is never hopeless.
I have a final IC appt booked for later this month and I am also getting my second set of ink done soon. They are going to be cathartic final moments for me to mark the end of the journey of pain and despair. I have timed my ink appt with the one year BD anniversary to mark the finality of this journey. The ink I am getting is very much linked to my journey and the design is going to reflect the path I have taken and where I am going. After that, the whole world is open and I will continue to heal and find my place in this world - stronger, smarter, and happier.
