Advice on my Scenario Pt.4

[OrangeK]

Shes just going to keep strolling trough life, getting what she wants through charm and manipulation.
Each time she purges a mate and a social circle, she will just move on after salting the Earth behind her.
I will never get closure.
I will never get justice.
I will never truly heal.
I will never truly trust again.
So much of my life has been uprooted, my finances, my morals, my outlook, my sucsess.

When do the scales balance?
It isnt friggin' fair.

She is an adult, as much as mentally she is not, she needs to deal with the rammifcations of her actions!
She cant hide behind the legal system and her parents from everyone, forever.
It doesnt make sense, she shouldnt get to stroll through life like this unopposed and victorious in her deceit and manipulation.

I want OM to see her true stripes, not for any reason of my own, but just so he would dump her and leave her alone and hurt, where she deserves to be.

I hate feeling vindictive like this.
I did everything the right way, when i was told i was having a child in 3 months, i ignored the lies about the preg and stepped up to the plate.

I was an attentive husband, i took care of her, cooked for her, cleaned the house, did my fair share of parenting, spent all my spare time and money on her and S3.
She spent her spare time seeing OM when i was working.
She spent her spare money on herself.
She thought of her wants before our sons needs and development.

WHY THE HELL DOES SHE COME OUT ON TOP?
its enough to drive one mad.

Its been 7 months since she left Vanilla. NC for 3 months. Literally not a word exchanged between us.

Why am i still so angry? Why cant i just let what she did go?
Why do i have this undying need for closure and justice?
Why do i fantisize about telling her all the things she did wrong, and fantasize about her accepting it and taking resposibility and apologizing, when i know that is never going to happen. She doesnt feel bad, she doesnt feel anything. She is dead inside.
WHY DO I CARE STILL?
why am i so co-dependant?
I hate being alone.
And all this anger leads to feelings of loss, unfairness, and missing her, or her fabricated avatar anyway.

I have seen IC's
I have been GAL
I have been NC
I have focused on my physical shape, S3, other activities.
NOTHING HAS CHANGED.

I still run through the same cycles of tumultuous emotions each week.
I still miss her a lot of times.
I still sexually fantasize about her. A LOT
I've still yet to see or meet a woman i find equally or more attractive.
i want to hold and be held by her.
I WANT HER TO HONOR HER F***ING VOWS.

I still keenly feel the loss of my family, my home, my SONS HOME. (which he still asks about frequently)

I also feel like he doesn't misbehave for her like he does for me. He cries "MMMAAAAAAAMAAAAAAAAA" when hes upset around me, and wants no consolement from me.

Just feels like ill be in this limbo forever, and it will repell any woman who comes my way.
I dont want to date a woman with kids, and I know thats selfish.

I didnt want to raise my son alone, or with someone other than Wife. I never wanted her sharing parenting with any OM.
I dont think its healthy.
I see what growing up in a family with multiple divorces did to her. I dont want that for my son.

She Deliberately destroyed everything. Knowingly, premeditated, and calculated.
Why do i still harbor ANY positive feelings for a monster like that?

A lot of times i dont even want to be a dad anymore. I never asked for it, it was forced on me without my consent or input, and i was lied to about it for months.
I stepped up and did the right thing, and what did it get me?
Divorcing, arrested, slandered and destroyed.

you all have been so helpful and supportive, but I'm about out of gas.

I want to burn all i own, walk into the sunset and not look back.