I had no idea what a MLC was until now...

[sjohns6]

Jase,
Our situations are pretty similar. I feel for you...man this is tough.

My W had an EA with a coworker. It was slightly physical, but no sex (couple make out sessions). I know this from snooping early on, I wouldn’t have believed no sex if she had just told me that. It ended and he is now married, but they still work together. It was about a year ago that it ended. I think the willingness to throw away the family for something shallow like that has to do with where their head is at, not as much about the validity of the relationship with OP. They want what they want and feel they deserve it. If they are giving so much mind space to someone else (regardless of if reciprocated or acted on), they leave no mind space for us. Hard to work on “us” if daydreaming about someone else (real or imagined).

I also have trouble with boundaries. I have been with her for 20 years and have trusted her unconditionally. We’ve never had the need for boundaries because neither of us have crossed each other like this before. I don’t recognize what boundaries need to be set until she crosses one. I imagine that is a common theme.

Just keep working on you and the kids. Vent to us and ask questions all you need and we’ll be here for you as much as possible. Just try not to initiate R talks. That has been my biggest fail. I’m a talker and a fixer. I have never liked to let issues sit. It is important though. For now, you guys are roommates. Pack your relationship in to a box and put it on the top shelf for later. It will be there if you need it, but for now it shouldn’t be your focus.

Sorry you are here, but you are among friends who truly understand what you are going through.

[peacetoday]

Hi

If she is truly looking at herself, and choosing to work on the M
getting help and letting EA affair go-If she can do this-

she may not be in true MLC, maybe just bored and enjoyed the attention or the fantasy

If a person is in MLC, they become totally different beings
they have a blank stare, not rational
spend a lot, drugs , drinking, staying out late or not coming home- dressing younger, buys new toys like cars, motorcycles, tattoos,
they become less responsible in all ways and terrible parents-
You will know more later

[SBJ]

Peace, I agree with what you said about those in MLC doing extremes, but I have also seen it in extremes the other way. Extreme fitness, weight loss, dressing more revealing, acting much younger, and has gone from a semi-decent homemaker to an OCD housekeeper. Also cutting themselves off from certain friends and family that disagree with their current decisions and lifestyle. These are to add just a few.

[JaseP]

Thank you all for the replies, you're all very sharp and insightful. It's so appreciated.

I'm not sure if she's in full-blown MLC or not, but I'm also not trying to be naive. She definitely became gym obsessed and bought all new fancy clothes in her new skinny size. She's done this before too though as her weight has fluctuated over the years. She also acts more "single" on social media. She posted something ridiculous a couple weeks ago after we had been on what i thought was a great date night. We'd been to a fancy restaurant and then to a friend's nightclub for a hip hop show. We had a great time with friends.
She then came home that night and posted some silly hotel lobby photo and captioned it "got the blues (cry emoji) so what's a girl to do? Put on a slinky red dress and go dancing!" Nothing about me or our date, and we were never even dancing, by the way...she sees this as silly and inconsequential, but there have been other instances of her vaguely posting things suggesting she (we) have personal problems. Isn't this stuff inappropriate to share with her several thousand followers??

Anyway, since she came clean about her "fantasy/escape" life and her crush/obsession with her new boss she's really behaving differently and I'm reluctantly believing she's sincere and that this is all for the better. But what if I'm setting myself up for a big fall? Tonight I'm going to suggest she takes a polygraph soon. Maybe give her one last chance to tell me all so I can know exactly what I'm forgiving and we can then attempt to rebuild.

She swears up and down absolutely nothing physical happened, but how can I be sure? The trust is all broken now. I saw on her phone that OM rarely texted her back and that there were very few phone calls over the weeks. I also know that when they were working together lots of other people were around them. She also was usually good about face timing me and the kids each night where I could see she was at her hotel getting ready for bed.

It's a fact that she's in a high-powered, insanely stresssful position at work and that this "crush" of hers is even more busy, running several companies, surrounded by people too. I'm not saying the opportunity didn't ever present itself for them to be physical, and I know that she at least had the willingness too, but I also know this guy is insanely private and paranoid about anything even remotely scandalous happening within his businesses. She claims what stirred up so much emotion is that he was so blown away by her work contributions, constantly praising her, not to mention she said she knew he was attracted to her too as she caught him checking her out a few times. Sickening stuff to be sure...

Ugh, this is so hard...thanks for listening.

[sjohns6]

I know how you feel Jase. My W had her EA with a coworker and it is hard for me to accept that it wasn't physical, although I have no reasoning or proof that it was more. For me I think that reading these boards about what other MLCers do has made me less naïve but maybe a little more paranoid. Like, if everyone has a PA and lies about it, and all her other behavior is straight out of the MLC playbook, then why wouldn't she do it and then lie. I feel like that feeling is justified, but maybe not always warranted.

The social media thing is weird. My W makes no mention of me on social media and posts stuff of her and the kids. Even with events I was at...or maybe I took the picture. It bothered me enough to pretty much stop using social media to keep my sanity. I finally stopped caring about that and just look at it as one more sign that she is still deep in it, despite the conversations we have about working things out. I suggest trying not to put too much stock in it. Its par for the course in MLC land.

Rebuilding trust is a hard thing. In my opinion, I don't know if I would push for a polygraph. Others may disagree, but I know my W would not respond well to that. If she says she didn't and you don't have any evidence to the contrary, you might try to accept that as truth for now. Just my 2 cents.

I agree...this is hard. The hardest thing I've ever endured. We're here for you...vent all you need.

[Gordie]

I don’t get the social media broadcasts with insinuations, but it’s like mind reading—don’t do it, as you may have no idea what she really mean or intended. Like SJohn6, w frequently posts pics of her and sometimes the kids that I take but never us. Her relationship status on FB is blank. It’s a symptom of the problem, but not the cause, so if you can ignore it do so for your own sanity. And my w also had a one way EA with a colleague that did not become physical (feelings were unrequited) as far as I know, so it is possible.

[Gordie]

How are you

[JaseP]

Gordon! Thank you for checking in, buddy. I'm up and down, but more hopeful than not lately. Wife has tried to make amends with the extended family, promising she'll do whatever she can to earn back my trust and love.

I want to believe it all, but my guard is definitely up. I'm continuing to focus on myself and kids. Getting fit, exercising more, fixing up the house, etc. Started individual counseling last week. It feels great to have someone in my corner who I can vent to and seek guidance from. The therapist is also a marriage counselor and wants to bring in my wife after a few more sessions. We'll see how that goes!

Wife too began therapy last week and found it very valuable. I'm cautiously optimistic that we can turn this around eventually.

She now believes her boss is a psychopath. She's learned more about him from other coworkers recently and it's pretty concerning. She's trying hard to get a new job or to get laid off where she'd get a nice severance package. That's what I'm hoping for so she can actually have a real break and be more of a mom again finally.

Thanks again for checking in, I truly appreciate it!

Jase

[Gordie]

[JaseP]

Did you post something? Coming up blank...