Blue's situation is one which we all thought we wanted...and God knows I credit her h for being one of those rarely seen unicorns who screws up and gets it! AND wants to do the work to undo as much as he can and rebuild what they can!
I wanted that but I mistook x's self pity and missing us, as true remorse and self awareness, which it was not.
Knowing that Blues case is the best case scenario is what newbies must realize. And without a long shared history and kids, and the type of h she has, - who won't flinch when reminded of her pain - I'm not sure many would want to do it.
Just my .02
25, thank you. I think you are right. It is hard for me to say that I am grateful for him because of what happened, but I do feel grateful for what he has done in the last 3 years. It is not just because he has been loving and accountable for the mess that happened, but because he has learned from it and changed moving forward. I can confidently say now, that I would not want our M the way that it was pre-BD. There wasn't this ugly history or A then, but something essential was missing.
Lately, my positive feelings about my M are in the little day to day things. For example, we had a text convo about our youngest D sitting in the front seat given her size, her age, the law, and our inconsistencies. I just know this same convo 5 years ago would have been different. We both would become easily frustrated, not hear the other, and it could soon become more about being right than listening and being considerate of the other's POV. I recall many disagreements like this and my frustrations. I would leave the convo feeling annoyed, as if dealing with a stubborn teenager. Now, I feel as if he is listening and wants to compromise. The natural consequence is that i want to lighten up a bit and compromise too. I feel a shift inside. I find myself feeling less controlling. It seems like a slow progress, but the progress feels real.
... Several of you went on to talk about being a doormat, what it means to have "badness," and why we cling. Well I can tell you guys that I struggled with all of that too. My perspective is simple and the same (which is why I started posting here). You cannot save your M until you save yourself. That cannot happen until you LET THEM GO -- no doormat, no clingy, and no pathetic neediness -- because no one will be attracted to you in that state, and more importantly you cannot heal and feel good about yourself like that either.
And you know what else? My H was bad too; he was bad, chitty, wayward, and selfish and all the stuff. But he was not mean, abusive, cruel or neglectful. I stayed in the home with our kids, he saw them daily, he paid half the bills, and he never wanted to hurt us. There are some things that are just too far to recover from and fortunately he did not cross those lines. I deserve better than that and so do our kids. I think a lot of posters here have an ex that has simply gone too far past recovery.
Lastly, when he came back he presented a man that was changing and willing to change. You guys really don't want your ex as they are -- lying, cheating, manipulating or running away -- and if you do want them that way, then you need to stop and ask yourself why. What are you worth? And what do you want your kids to see you are worth?
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
