Newbie In Need Of Guidance #3

[rminer]

I've typed a few posts, but everything I was writing seemed to be irrelevant and long, so I didn't finish them. I'm not sure what I am about to type now has any relevance, but here it goes.


Not much has changed between my W and myself since my last post. No arguments, good communication, gestures of kindness towards each other and no need for boundary setting. At times it has seemed that she was almost being too nice though.


The Sunday after my last post my W was in the MB doing something. I came in and noticed a flyer on my dresser that had been floating around the house for a couple of months for a show coming to a local theater. I asked her if she put it there and if it was a hint, and she said she did and that she wanted me to take her to it . We ended up going to that show and dinner last Saturday evening. It was a nice time again. We talked about her mainly, which was my intention, and everything was much more relaxed and less awkward than last time. there was some talk about the future included this time as well.


After I asked her about the flyer on that Sunday, the subject turned to her volunteer work and how they need more help. There was one position in particular that needs two people, but they only have one, the OM. She asked if I would be interested in taking the required training and helping. I didn't give her a definite "yes" or "no" but I did tell her if she gave me all of the details I would consider it. I hesitated to say "yes" because if things go as I hope they will , my W will not be involved with the organization next year since the OM is staying on. Also, I would be working very closely with OM, which I am not too sure would go well. She told me a few nights ago that it was not going to happen for several reasons, but I think the real reason, after piecing together some of the comments she made leading up to this, is that the OM does not want me involved. Go figure...


Later that day I was taking S8 to the park to learn how to ride his bike and I suggested that my W and D15 come along, which they did. While we were there, my W sprung on me that she was going on vacation in July (right after she suggested I use my vacation time for the same week). I asked who she was going with and she said that she is going with her friend that she says needs to get a D and her enabling friend. I then asked how it was being paid for and she told me her mother was paying for it (her mother can barely pay her own bills, let alone give my W money for a vacation)and she simply said that her mother could afford it. She then, and it sounded quite sincere, asked if I minded. I didn't give her an answer "yes" or "no," but she could tell I didn't like the idea (she kept trying to sell me on it). Not because I don't want her to go on a vacation, but because I don't necessarily believe her story about where the money is coming from and who is going.


Instead of giving her a direct answer, I suggested we use the money to take the kids somewhere they haven't been before, which turned in to a whole different conversation. She started telling me how I have always said I didn't want to go on long vacations. I reminded her that now we are taking half as many people, so those types of vacations are more affordable. This started her talking about all the places we could go and she has been planning a vacation for the family ever since, as well as the one with her "friends."


Later that evening my W, S8, D15 and I were eating dinner together and we were talking about the day we had. I mentioned that I was getting antsy because I had not done real work around the house for three weeks. My W looks at me and says "Isn't it nice to relax and do things with your family for a change?" I think it was her way of acknowledging that I have been making the effort to spend more time with her and the kids. She also thanked me for going with them later when I was going to bed.


During dinner, the topic of moving to another state came up and we had a fairly serious conversation about it. She is all for it, of course, but I had to tell her what I see as obstacles. She agreed with them all, but said they it could all be figured out. We ended up talking about specific states and cities we would consider. One of my biggest objections, S24 not being able to live on his own, she set out to solve on her own - she had a conversation with him asking if he would be willing to move with us. He said "yes," so this may actually be happening.


The following Thursday, my W, S8, D15 and myself went to a movie. I had to meet them there because I was coming straight from work. Everything went smoothly while we were there, but on the way home S8 asked me something that bothers me a bit. We were the only ones in the car and he jokingly called me by my first name. It reminded him of something, so a few minutes later he asked "Why does mom lie to me so much now?" I asked what he meant and he told me that my W had changed my name in her phone to my first name from the pet name it used to be (I already knew about the change). When he asked her about it she told him that it had always been that way and that she didn't change it. He went on to mention a few other things she has been less than truthful about including the OM. I really think he is starting to do the math and figure things out. I didn't have a good explanation for him, so i just told him that sometimes people like to change things just to make them different.


He also told me that he told my W that he wants to quit the organization because he doesn't like the OM. She told him that he wasn't allowed to quit and doesn't believe that he doesn't like OM. I told S8 that I would talk to her, so that should be a fun conversation.


A few days later my W tills me about a concert that she was going to buy tickets for that she wanted to go to with me, but the Groupon had expired. She said she didn't buy them because she didn't want to spend the money and wasn't sure I'd want to see the band. I told her I would have liked to go to that one, but I thought she had already purchased tickets for her and her friends. She said that she hadn't and asked why I would think that. I told her that I had heard her talking about it a few months ago and that since she has tickets to at least ten different concerts this year (part of her MLC it think) I had just assumed she was going. A few days later the Groupon was back and she bought the tickets.


Curiosity did get the better of me and I finally checked her texting habits. It is as I suspected - she is still texting the OM but the times have shifted to only when I am not home or sleeping. The quantity has gone down slightly, but the contact is still there. The context of the texts are unknown. They could be innocent and only about their work together, but most likely not. She also has been guarding her phone more again. This seems to have started after we went out last Saturday. I noticed this after I checked her activity.


At this point I am still not sure what to think. Sometimes it seems that she is coming back to reality and other times she seems to be cake eating. I know she is still conflicted though.


There have been no ILYs and no affection shown towards each other. I have been avoiding this purposely. I have still been asserting my "Alpha" side - directing her by touching the small of her back or shoulder, making decisions but listening to her input. I don't know if she has noticed it, but she hasn't complained about it either.


She has had a huge change in attitude towards me, so my big concern with what I am doing is that she is slotting me in to the dreaded "friend" category instead of coming out of the fog back to reality.


One last thing. I have finally started to GAL! I have been out a few times after work with co-workers, which is not my ideal crowd, but at least I am out of the house. I have also been out during the day several times on my own doing things I like to do.


I looked for meetup groups in my area, but quite honestly, none of them interest me. I plan to keep looking though. I have even looked for support groups for this sort of sitch thinking maybe it might do me some good and I could meet people there, but they all seem to be for women only.