Just hold on there missy!!!! YOU HAVE NOT SUNK TO A NEW LOW what YOU did, was take a stand for yourself against an intangible enemy that you were trying to battle the best way you knew how for the moment.
Call ME crazy, but I personally believe that being passive all the time just makes US dislike ourselves so we have to get up the gumpsion to put on our war face and do battle with the demons.
The way I looked at it with my H was that trying to always be the shoulder to learn on or the understanding cheerleader on the sidelines while my H was being a total jerk only made it easy for my H to continue being an idiot. Once I told myself, look, you can take this lying down or you can go bat sh$t and speak up...a whole new world opened up to me.
If we're gonna lose these guys out of our lives our acting strong ISN'T what's going to push them away, it's our whimpiness that keeps them away.
Put up your dukes girl, cause sometimes ya just have to get into the frey. T2
Quote: Something like "H I WANT to trust you... but you make it incredibly difficult. I need you to do blah, blah, blah for me to trust you. We need trust so that we can move forward..."
Do you have the book After the Affair? It give you some strategies for talking. I know your H is a unique man, but maybe some of them would have an impact.
I do have this book. I don't think H trusts himself right now let alone can he expect me to trust him. By not asking a lot of questions or where he goes/where he's been I don't set myself up to be lied to. No R talks, wouldn't this fall under R talks?
It seems like when I ask H questions flat out, he is honest. I don't know seems to me that if he's still seeing/talking to OW should he report to me? Should he let me know when he's going over there, when he's going out, when he's doing this or that? H doesn't like to be controlled, never has. For the most part I'm comfortable with his comings and going. Maybe I'm too trusting of H or depend on my intuition, my just knowing, where he is just letting him work out his confusion, what he wants..work out OW on his own, work through his MLC.
I would also think if H were really committed to this M again, he would on his own let me know of his comings and goings.
My H maybe unique or different or whatever, but he isn't dumb. He keeps a lot to himself, but at times he's very perceptive and knowing..he's a lot more intuned then he let's on. There have been times when I've said things to him and then went back to clarify...and H will say "I knew what you meant" or "I figured it out"
Quote: Call ME crazy, but I personally believe that being passive all the time just makes US dislike ourselves so we have to get up the gumpsion to put on our war face and do battle with the demons.
Maybe that was part of it, that I felt I was being too strong, too understanding, too giving and forgiving..that I needed to be real, to be human. I am not perfect. I did a human thing and H saw it, once in awhile I guess it doesn't hurt to let H know that I do have feelings, that this whole situation does get to me.
I'm hoping I also put a little fear in OW, that I know what's going on and that, yes there might be the possibility that one day I will appear on her doorstep.
I would not worry about the fact that you called ow (this from the queen of second-guessing herself ) for a couple of reasons: -you ARE human, you DO get frustrated sometimes, you HAVE been incredibly patient and understanding and things got to the point where you reacted a little bit. It's normal. It's understandable. -Your H has mentioned a couple of times that you don't care, that you don't really want him, that he's better off somewhere else....the whole "poor me" syndrome....WELl you just proved to H what you are willing to do for him and for your M. You showed him that you would go find him if he didn't come home on his own.
I don't think a lot of people would agree with this post but it's how I see it. He knows now. He can't say you dont' care.
Don't worry about it and go on with your great DB'g. You ARE still the most patient person I know.
Thank you for posting this, a little part of me is saying what you said...yes I care. I care enough to send the very best...me!
Last week when he said OW tracked him down, came looking for him, H did say to me "did you come looking for me?" I responded, is that what you wanted, both of us at the same place with you?
Maybe he is looking for me save him..to fight for him.
I know what you mean about the R talk... and yes, it would be a bit close to an R talk. Only you know if an R talk works. I know for my H they still don't work.
I do have to agree with you that letting them come through the MLC on their own seems the only way to go... my H, too, views things as controlling.
I am trying very hard to be detached... and as you know, it is so very hard.
If your H doesn't get that you care from that phone call, nothing will show him!! Funny that you wonder if you should rescue him... he should be rescuing you!
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I am having a home and garden party tonight H was supposed to pick up son from day care and keep him occupied during my party. Well you know what? No H as of right now!
It's been raining since mid-afternoon. Thinking he got done early, hit the bar and well only god knows if/when he'll show up tonight.
If he's not here by 9ish or so I'll be on line looking for support.
Sometimes we all do some things that we think just messed up everything, but did you ever stop and think that maybe the Lord allowed you to do what you did in order to get two people thinking?
Okay, the OW knows that he has a wife, but has she ever really thought of you as being a real person? Probably not. Well, she found out by your call that you are a real person and you are living at home with him. You also called him out on being an adulterer. So you nailed to birds with one stone.
She knows that you do exist and he knows that you are fully aware of her and can very well contact her if you feel like it. Sure, he is like a high school kid and likes the fact that two women are fighting over him, so don't think that what you did didn't feed his ego a little bit.
As for the questions, no you don't trust him and I would have asked him would he have trusted you if you would have had another man in your life that he was fully aware of. I highly doubt it. When you did what you did, you made him take responsibility for his actions and who likes to take responsibility for something that they are doing wrong that they know they are doing wrong.
I know that I don't and I certainly don't like others to find out about it either. So why not turn it around and put it back in your court. Then he has you off the beaten path again. He has you thinking about what you did and what you are showing him and making him feel. Therefore, the focus is off of what he has done and is still doing. Get the picture.
Fact of the matter is, he is an adulterer and she is an adulteress. There is no sugar coating it. That is a sin period. He is married to you and you were calling him on it and he didn't like it. Oh well. What would he have done had it been the other way around.
You didn't threaten her, you didn't go after her and you didn't disown him. Now, I don't think that you should continue to call over there, but sometimes things happen for a reason and we don't understand that reason until later. So, just wait to see how the Lord is going to use what you did instead of worrying about what you did.
The Lord can fix any mess that we make and sometimes what we think we messed up is actually what the Lord wanted us to do. You know, giving them that push that they needed that they didn't realize that they needed.
I just put my teenager/four-year-old H and S4(really is) to bed. H and S were going back and forth about each of them not liking each other. H does get right down to S's level after he's had a few, he acts the same age!!
H had been drinking called here right before my party was going to start to say he was going to be here shortly..he was drunk. My party lady was late, my S was out of control and H was on his way home. My friend got here first and just spilled thet whole mess to her..H was drunk and on his way here, blah, blah. She just said oh geez!
While I was on the phone with H, he said that "he wasn't coming home tonight, was going to OW's (out of the blue he says this) said there was a message on OW's answering machine that he was supposed to listen to..he said what the message was and it was what I had told him I said--that I was going to come over there. I said yeah I know I said that. I said how do you know there's a message on OW's machine...he didn't say anything right away and he sure didn't tell me OW called him. So OW is saving the message to get H over there. Why doesn't this surprise me.
On my way home I was starting to get an anxiety attack again, the ones like I had last year about this time, but it miracously went away. And I feel back on my feet again, back with God again. Maybe God did look the other way last night when I made the call..who knows. I was sobbing and crying a bit before I made the call, having a little pity party.
Tomorrow I'm going to confront my H about driving with S to the restaurant down the street! H had been drinking and H knew I was having this party. H did come and in talk to my friends who he hasn't seen in quite awhile and my SIL who he hasn't seen in ages, well I don't know if she actually talked to him or not.
So H is home tonight, at least. You're right Laurie I think this fighting over H does feed his ego, but I also think it didn't bother him quite as much as it should.
) for a couple of reasons:
Laurie, thank you.