Things moving fast. Twists & turns.(hoosjim's 15th

[hoosjim]

Hmmm. Seems like it should have come up before now. Hoos I'm guessing you didn't bring it up before in order to not rock the boat? A little lingering NGS maybe?

Nah, NGS never really one of my problems. And specifically
WRT "reveals" or confrontations about discrete data points, both my MC as well as Sandi2 will tell you I actually tend to be over eager with the "a-HA! I know ___________" stuff. Reason I question bringing it up now is wondering if it would be constructive in terms of piecing the MR back together. I already know the damaging info and, honestly, have assumed "the worst"... and am still willing to take her back on my terms. Not sure what is to be gained by revealing it, other than to emphasize that i have plenty of reason to be hurt and to feel mistrustful of her... but even there i have plenty of other reason, and not sure that that particular data point gives me that much more in the big scheme of things. Confronting WW's with specific data points, even when you have "hard evidence" is, as Sandi2 has noted, usually just an invitation to argue and rationalize and deny and deflect. Of course, with my W in the current sitch, she has pretty much "spilled her guts"... not about every little detail but about the substance of the relationship and about certain data points she knows I would find hurtful or whatever if they came out later. OTOH, obviously, that is something I will carry around with me and probably "always wonder." I mean, she and I spent plenty of "nights together" when we were dating before we actually "did it", and as I have already assumed the worst things could only get better for me in terms of finding out what happened. Whatever.

Incidentally, this is all the kind of thing that would be addressed by the program/workbook that MC had loosely prescribed for us to do together ("loosely", because she said we have already covered a lot of the material to one degree or another and in some cases-- <ahem> the intimacy/touching exercises, for instance-- we are way past that. Wanted us to kind of pick and choose amongst the exercises based on our own judgment and discussion, guided by her in sessions as needed. Trouble is, we have sort of fallen off doing that the last couple of weeks, and now W questions the necessity of doing it as, disturbingly, does MC... "as long as we are making progress and not backsliding". Both W and MC give me some grief for being too rigid and always wanting a perfectly structured solution or to do things "by the book" , and I do have proclivities that way, but... in this case I still think there'd be some value. There are detailed reflection and introspection and examination of conscience and forgiveness exercises that I think might be helpful for something like this.

Also I get the impression that you're not entirely okay with her quitting IC. Is that correct?

Correct. But, as I said, I never insisted on IC per se, just that we follow the MC's recommendations in that regard. FWIW, she (W) seems to be in a very good place, and does appear to have broken down a bunch of walls that have been in place with her for years, even before our own troubles-- her lack of love for self, her inability to talk to anyone about her abortion in college, her commitment issues, her conflicted faith-- all things she talked about and aired extensively with MC during those two weeks after I walked out. Trouble is, I just have a hard time believing she managed to work all of that out in the space of two to three weeks, though she would say (and has) that she was working on those issues within herself and obliquely with the help of guidance in the MC sessions for the previous 7 months, and the shock/trauma of me leaving pushed her over the threshold of a breakthrough. IDK. Actions aside (and so far her actions have been nearly unimpeachable with the exception of that night in the bar), I just find that a little too hard to believe, and her continued pining and excuse-making for bff makes me worry.