Things moving fast. Twists & turns.(hoosjim's 15th

[hoosjim]

OMG, can you imagine having a baby at this point in your lives?!

No.And we laughed about it in kind of a laughing past the graveyard way, after we were not particularly, ummmm.... careful... that first week. She is in that pre menopausal phase that means the risk is really reduced, but not absent.She did have a couple days where she was exhausted with a couple of other signs and we freaked a little, but all good now. But, yeah, that would've really thrown a curve into things.

Has your W shown any indication that she sees how BFF worked as a tool to hurt your MR?

No! Didn't you see what I posted earlier about her wanting to just give bff a hug to comfort her? WRT our marriage and the A, my W persists with the "I was a big girl, bff didn't instigate or cheerlead or do anything I didn't ask her to do. She wasnt even really an active participant other than 'being there'". Of course, I know different, at least in a couple instanxes, though w doesn't know that I know about BFFs phone call that day trying to lure W out. I am wondering if I should tell her I know about that, though honestly the level of participation she knows I know about is damning enough.

Also a problem in that vein, and something I feel like I should discuss with her, is her take on the beachievement trip last summer, where she left the family vacation aND went to a different beach to meet bff and another gf... but OM was also there. Now, during her big confession last month, W fessed up to this snd that they "saw each other a couple times", after having previously denied it repeatedly. Problem is, she now seems to be trying to minimize it. Last night, in session, bff issue came up, and I mentioned her having planned the beach trip last july. W said, "but that trip had been planned and booked for a while. OM only booked his snd friends' trip later after they heard we were going. They booked at same place and bff called and told me this and I told bff I wasn't comfortable with that so she changed our reservation to a rental condo as opposed to,the hotel previously booked. We did see him a couple of times but didn't stay at same place." She seems to think this,somehow mitigates it for her and also for bff. To my mind (I didn't say this but it's been eating at me and maybe I should), w elected to go there, leaving our family trip, knowing that OM was going to be staying nearby. And then they did hang out. I don't know,specifics but do know that W was separated from bff at a point very late in the evening (1 am), because she called bff on her cell, and also called a cab company. I haven't said any of that to w... but maybe I should? I feel like she doesnt understand hie hurtful that whole episode is.

Is she sticking with her IC sessions?

This is tricky. The counselor had several intensive sessions with her those first two weeks. Since then, the counselor has been acting more flexible. As if she wants us to be talking directly to each other. She said she prefers this direct dialgue. So there had been no IC for past 2 weeks. W thinks we just need to keep "building our relationship" and talking between ourselves. Thoughts?





More clarification on the above because i am sure i will get heat for "not holding her feet to the fire on the IC", but... I didn't insist on IC as a condition precedent or non-mnegotiable. What i did insist on was that we "continue seeing the counselor" and that we "follow the counselor's advice regarding when, how often, and who" to see her, as well as following her substantive advice. Now, at that time, counselor was insisting on IC, which i just naturally assumed would continue but... she (MC) has now backed off on that and is perfectly happy to just see us jointly and has said she only need see us individually if one of the individuals wants to be seen that way... and W is apparently not so inclined (though maybe she will be once i dump all of the above on her...)

In that vein: One other thing i wrestle with exploring, if i decide to delve further into the beach trip from last July, and that is that i know that on one other occasion she stayed at OM's hotel room. It was some weekend night after a night out drinking, and i don't know exactly when. I only know about it from one of the overheard conversations where they referenced it... she talked about being tipsy and about going back to his room to crash and then she asked him, jokingly/teasingly "Did you take advantage of me?" and i did not hear the response (could only hear her side of convo). She does not know i know this. Wondering if anything to be gained by bringing it up-- it did not appear in her global confession which covered pretty much everything else i knew and a few things i did not. Maybe its better left buried-- maybe she'd lose respect for me if she knew i could still take her back thinking she had slept with OM, IDK. OTOH, left undiscussed, it is likely to always be there, gnawing at me. I know what MC would say: No secrets, you guys both need to lay your cards on the table, but this one IDK about.