Wanted to post another update (noticed my topic disappeared from the list, so not sure if this even be seen, but here it goes). The change in my wife since last year is dramatic, she is right now back to her old self before MLC hit, and in fact is a more centered, calmer and gentler version of that person. She slowly kept probing where we stood, slowly became more and more physical and affectionate. And she shared a lot of details, how much pain she was in, her state of confusion, how she put it all on my because she could no longer cope. She even admitted how upset she was when I told her I was casually dating someone else. And she admitted she was surprised by her own reaction.
She is very connected to herself and others, no longer "self absorbed," warm and caring, asks questions about me and others and is engaged back with her friends, pets and our house and life. She is the same and not the same, maybe a bit more mature and settled in a good way.
A few days ago she broached the subject of physical intimacy and I left it to her. We have now resumed being intimate after a year, and her reaction was very interesting. Talking about it later she said "wow that was not how I remembered it to be" in a positive sense. And when I calmly said that "no that was pretty much normal for all the years we have been together" she was genuinely shocked.
She is seeing a therapist 3x per week, she keeps saying things like "problem is me, not the place or you," she is growing and healing. I am not letting my guard down, there is a good chance she may cycle a few more times. And even if not she still need a lot of time on her own two feet to fully process this. And we both acknowledge that. And she has said many times now that she really appreciated me living her alone, but not reacting and not living or pushing. She repeats that she always felt safe around me, and even when she felt alone and isolated she always had comfort in knowing I was "out there." She thanks me a lot for everything, even small daily things that would be nothing to even note.
As of right now we plan to spend most of our time together for the next 2-3 months until she will start traveling again. I am cautiously optimistic, but guarded. There is no harm in staying detached and it is NECESSARY that she holds her own space. But our daily interaction is very much as a couple together for 24 year, we talk a lot about everything, laugh, text, dinners, etc.
So here I am, hopeful but ready for another round if it comes around. But my instinct says the next round will be shallower and less long.
What I forgot to say was that she is sharing how she has always felt, and even though we spent years incredibly close and talked about EVERYTHING including topics that most couples would never touch I am shocked at some things she always believed about herself, or how she viewed herself, that now she shares. One example was she was talking about how she feels that most people don't like her, and I calmly told her "I like you" and she started crying. She asked "really?" and I smiled and said yes. When I asked her later if she really didn't realize that she said no she wasn't sure, and then said something about "well even after everything I did last year." So she has gained a lot of self awareness.
Also she is constantly commenting on how her recollection of her life and what it is don't match, that she really had been rewriting our entire past together.
So the MLC script is very much alive and well, at least in her case.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Well its been a little bit and I wanted to post an update. I have been spending more and more time with my wife and she is in an interesting state. I would say she is 75% fully her old self, or even a more mature and more self assured version of herself, with a 25% reversion sometimes to a light version of her MLC behaviour. So as I said before definitely nowhere near done, but I am very surprised where she is at this stage in the process. I still stay mostly detached, but I do match her where she is. She has been saying I love you more and more, I will only occasionally return the idea. I allow her to mostly approach for physical contact and affection, but she pretty much is completely back to our pre MLC mode of hugs, intimacy.
But one of the interesting confusions that is still there is that she brought up the idea of polyamory. I told her that I had never believed that such a thing is possible and that was never an option. She was confused and hurt (right?). And when I asked why she sheepishly admitted that she has been "in love" with her "friend." I reminded her that I had said as much over a year ago and it was no surprise. But that is that is what she wanted we should part ways now. She was crying and said she could not imagine a world without me in it. And when she talked about her friend she would say things like "he is boring I could not imagine spending too much time with him" or that "he is like a brother to me." When I said that this was all very confusing and did not make sense she also seemed confused. So that part of the fog and confusion is still around. And observing it from afar it is amazing to see how their minds become jumbled and confused.
So it all continues, and I still am where I was, detached and continuing on with my life as if we are not going to reconcile. But hope is there and things right now look much better than they did one year ago.
Thanks Gordie, my situation and patience in no way compares to yours. I'm following your story hoping your wife sticks with it and finds herself and realizes again how valuable you are.
Last edited by job; 06/07/1806:23 AM.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
