I drove around to a lot of bars and eventually found her at this guy's apartment a little after midnight. She didn't want to leave and it took me an hour to get her out of there. I didn't fight the guy or yell at her.
OK well having only read this so far, I'm already getting the sense that you are yet another "nice guy". After you read DB/ DR, read No More Mister Nice Guy and see if any of it rings true. Brother I would have told her not to come home except to get her crap out of MY house. She has lost respect for you and this kind of kowtowing is only making it worse.
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My phone was still on the call with her sister, who I had been talking to off and on that night. I guess I didn't hang up as I (literally) ran in there. I had also been talking to her mom and dad as well, so they knew I was trying to confront this.
Full STOP right there. Discontinue all conversations with friends and relatives about this. Talk to your therapist, talk it out here, talk to only those friends who have no ties to your W. But DO NOT talk to mutual friends and family as she will perceive that as you "rallying the troops" against her, and it will only drive her farther away. Plus it just looks desperate and needy on your part.
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A woman doesn't feel loved and respected at home and she looks elsewhere.
That may be true, but worse- she has ZERO respect for you as a man.
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We both ended back at our home in suburbs with her in the bedroom and me in the living room.
You've got to stop this kind of subservient behavior right away. YOU stay in the bedroom. YOU stay in the bed. It is the throne of the house. She can stay there with you, or she can sleep somewhere else, that's her choice. But YOU are NOT leaving.
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That lead to her kissing me, then sex.
Don't get your hopes up, she's just cake-eating. You've heard "have your cake and eat it too? WAS's often want to lead a double life of having a fling with OM while still having a home life. That is NOT commitment.
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I also went to drive by this guy's house and called him as well. I had been trying to catch up with the guy again to make it clear that I didn't want him talking to my wife.
Do not confront OM. The more you try to drive them apart the more they will get together, they will just go deeper undercover with their activities.
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but then she did decide to come to counseling with me for the second session which was the first time you met her.
Again, don't be hopeful. She just did that to cross it off her "things I tried to save the M but only proved it was over" list.
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She also tries to coerce me into signing it by telling me if I say yes that she will have sex with me.
AMAZING!!!!! Offers you sex for signing D papers? Wow, I have never heard that one before and I've been here a long time!
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How do I reconcile these things she wrote, her asking me to stay, and her other actions, with her saying she wants to divorce.
Welcome to WAS land! Up is down, left is right, right is wrong, wrong is good, etc. etc.
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I want to save my marriage and make my wife happy more than anything.
STOP ALL PRESSURE. No convos with her, no convos with her family, no convos with mutual friends. NO RELATIONSHIP TALKS, EVER.
When she speaks, you listen and validate. Nothing more. Don't explain/ reason/ bed/ plead/ negotiate, argue/ agree/ disagree.
BE A MAN. Work out, dress better, get a tan, be mysterious, quit pursuing her.
Read DB/ DR over and over again, you'll continue to learn new things each time you do. Don't mix a bunch of different approaches (very common mistake with newer people).
