W told me yesterday "I just wish I could see her and give her a hug." (I just really, really don't get the relationship, there... W really idolizes this woman, and screw ups no matter how bad don't seem to affect her mindset. W literally gets NOTHIONG from that relationship... bff is the prototypical ME ME ME person-- all take and no give.)
Then, first thing bff does is start obliquely trashing me (W shares her texts with me): "No, I am not okay with hoosjim right now... that whole group of people who used to call themselves my friends, now judging me and AP as being terrible, evil people..." blah blah blah.
Oh man, that's a minefield. Her BFF sounds very passive/aggressive and narcissistic. The big problem there is if your W has an inclination towards being empathetic then she is ripe to be controlled and manipulated by a narcissist. It can be enormously frustrating to someone on the outside looking in because you can totally see what's taking place, but your W will just think she's helping a friend. I went through this with my GF and her BFF, I was careful to never trash talk the BFF but instead did a lot of validating. I think the validation eventually helped her realize that she wasn't crazy, that her friend really was taking advantage of her. But I think it's critical not to bad-mouth the friend because then your W feels like she's stuck in the middle of a feud. So try and take the moral high road. If your W complains about the BFF then validate, but don't talk bad about the BFF no matter what she says about you.
Originally Posted By: hoosjim
So, my question is, and particularly to the W on here: Should I be planning something else? And, yes, we are now just weeks away so my planning opportunities are limited, but, just asking. What I mean is, will she be hurt that I didn't also plan something local with her friends?
I would talk to her about it. Of course that would blow the "surprise" aspect of it, but at least you will know for sure what she wants. My W threw a surprise party for my 40th and while I appreciated all her effort that is about the last thing I wanted for my bday. I wish she had discussed it with me first.
