dmoy, not to burst your bubble, but it was likely guilt over the hurtful words that caused her to fix your shirt. Most WAWs will try to continue to be "nice" until the D is final. I am seeing more and more WAW behavior where they want the D to be as smooth as possible, and will bend over backwards to grease the runway to get the D through as painlessly as possible.
Remember, WAWs are trying to be happy. That is their ultimate goal. Dwelling on D proceedings/filings/briefs/court appearances aren't what makes them happy.
When my neice left her husband for another guy, she was trying to be as nice as possible until she got the final D decree. Once she did she was as happy as a lark to move on with the new guy.
Believe nothing she says (even her hurtful words) and only 1/2 of what she does (fixing your shirt this morning).
Entirely possible. Trying not to read too much into it.
But what's the play? If they want to be happy and appease just to get D finalized it seems like there's nothing that can really be done. Sometimes DB really seems a lot like a wing and a prayer.
Detach, fix yourself, and hope that W sees the change and decides to change course. But from the sounds of it, most of the time this doesn't happen and maybe it's more dumb luck. In the end you come through with change to yourself but that's like getting a consolation prize, tbh. "You're now single again and your kids will grow up in a broken home, but at least you feel better about yourself!"
Not trying to be negative, just realistic. Life isn't all unicorns and rainbows.
dmoy, if you are looking for a magic bullet to save your M, then yes, you are going to be disappointed. There is none. The whole problem with trying to save your M is that you have NO CONTROL over your W. None. And any efforts to control her will only further cement her decision to D.
So yes, you work on you. Detach. GAL. 180s. BE THE BEST YOU THAT YOU CAN BE, and then with every opportunity you have, show her that you are the best you can be!
You're in a better position than some in that you have kids, unless she is completely off the rails she will want to maintain a relationship with her kids, and that's your in. Do exactly what you did this morning.
Also, don't answer her phonecalls. Don't respond to VMs and texts right away. Make her wait. Sorry, you were busy. Keep texts to logistics about the kids. You have to start getting a little mysterious. Make her wonder what is going on. You see, the reason WAWs don't like it when you start to pull back is because you are their safety net. Their plan B. When you start to take that away they feel disoriented, uneasy and start to question their decision. The idea of you not being their to catch her if she falls makes her feel that she may be making the wrong choice.
So take away the safety net. Don't be plan B anymore. Will it work in saving your marriage? Maybe. Maybe not. But how has what you've been doing been working for you? Time to 180.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
