My WAS - looking help and thanks in advance

[SteveLW]

Okay just went back and read your sitch from beginning to end. Wow.

Lots of mistakes as I've mentioned. You've been letting your emotions control you. And yes you are still trying to control her AND the situation. You can't.

I found it ironic that you say in your second email "I know their are no magic words" after 2 emails full of nothing but words. So the first thing you need to do is STOP talking about your R with your W. If she brings it up, validate her feelings but don't prolong the discussion. Read the link Cadet sent you on validation. Study it and be ready to validate her feelings if and when she starts a R discussion.

Second, you have to detach. It is hard and difficult, but your constant pressure right now is only driving her further away.

REMEMBER: Believe nothing she says and only half of what she does.

Why she went to counseling with you is easy! You said you'd sign the D papers if she tried. Her going to counseling is her way of showing you she is "trying". Don't fall for it. In fact, you should tell her that you want to attend counseling alone for now. If she insists then you can let her come, but let it be her decision. Do not beg, or plead.

I like the text "Have a nice day". Small, NON MR discussions are what you want right now. I like to call them talk charges. Call her randomly with a 30-60 second story. Then end it with "anyway, just thought that was interesting. Got to go now, bye" and hangup. NO MR TALK!!!

You have to stop thinking that your sitch is not right for DBing. You are at a critical point. She is pushing for you to sign the D papers. My advice on this is to talk to a lawyer. D is a legal process. She is hoping you make it as easier for her as possible. Don't. Talk to a lawyer, usually the initial consultation is free. Next time signing the D papers comes up mention that you will need to discuss with your lawyer first. This will begin to pop her fantasy bubble about an "easy" divorce.

You said: "I think I married an exceptional woman, she clearly expects the best for herself. I've seen and read of people getting through way tougher situations, and I think she's just not going to lower the bar."

NOTE: She is not the same person you married. WAWs/WWs have a change in their thinking. If you try to apply the methods you used to originally win her, you will drive her away. Space. Time. Detachment. This is what she needs from you now. She knows you are against the D. STOP REMINDING HER OF THAT.

What are you doing for GAL? Seriously, your entire last 2-3 weeks has been centered around her. Going and getting her dad's dog to cheer her up?!? Seriously? Way too much time and effort. Making dinner just for her?!? Dude, grab your testicles back and be a little tougher. That doesn't mean you can't do nice things. "I made dinner for myself. I left the leftovers for you. Enjoy." YOU FIRST, and the nice thing was for her second. See? "I had to go to the store for some stuff I needed, so I picked you up the drink you like." You first, but then a nice thing for her. See?

Finally, on the sex. If her affair is only emotional at this point she was most likely thinking of him while doing you. Sorry if that hurts, but it is true. I am in the camp of "I'd rather her make love to me thinking of him, than to make love to him thinking of me." Some here disagree with that. However, I agree with her "it is just sex, don't read anything into it!"

Finally, watch how much she manipulates you. "If you sign the D papers I'll have sex with you." That is a level of manipulation that borders on evil. DO NOT PUT ANYTHING PAST HER AT THIS POINT. Let me repeat: BELIEVE NOTHING SHE SAYS AND ONLY HALF OF WHAT SHE DOES.

Your assignment: Let go, detach. Continue to 180 (stop doing the things that you feel got you here). GAL!! DO THIS! Start having a life outside of her and the house.

Finally, forgive yourself. Yes you have responsibility in this sitch, but you are the one willing to work on things. Remember that and stop beating yourself up!

Good luck and hang in there.