Hey Arshi - that's a great question. I wouldn't say I have mastered GAL, but I know how important it is and I have been proactive in integrating it in my life.
How you do GAL really depends on your context. Someone without kids can easily go NC, completely dark, and GAL without worrying about being away from kids. If you have kids, depending on their age, and what level of responsibility you have determines a lot too.
For me, I have kids 50% of the time and so I structure my life around that schedule.
When the kids are not with me, I do all the external stuff that I want to do - go climbing, movies, go out for drinks with a friend, and read/write (I am still struggling with the last one a bit as I haven't been managing my time as well as I wanted, but working on it)
When I have the kids, I am completely involved with them, so I don't have personal GAL activities, aside from working out. Getting healthy and working out was hugely important for me as one of my goals, but with my kids schedule, I wasn't able to continue with my gym membership. It was going to be impossible for me to do it. I was fortunately in a position to create a small home gym with everything I needed to start. So, I workout in the evenings after my kids go to bed and that is my GAL when I have them.
On the weekends that I have them, I basically organize the day around activities that they want to do, which depends on the weather as well. Now that summer is here, we spend most of the time outside the home at parks and outdoor activities. I also take them climbing with me on the weekends they're with me and we've created something special that they only share with me, not their mother.
I have created my own system of what I loosely call 'The Law of Shared Needs' - I have outlined what I need in life and what the kids need in life. And both sets of needs are on the same level. If at any point both sets of needs come into conflict, the kids needs trump my needs. But, the way that I have structured my life, that generally doesn't happen. But just as an example - if the kids want to go out and play at a park and I'd rather be a couch potato because I am feeling tired (mostly cuz I am lazy, which I have worked on), then we get up and go out and I don't get to be a lazy bum and put on tv for them to watch.
But, I think that GAL is about getting that space so that you can really exhale and breathe and just have that time for yourself. I don't think it's necessarily how long that time is, but what you do with that time. That's why it's important to identify those pockets of time and then start planning what to do.
Some people also falsely believe that GAL is about spending money and it can get expensive. 25yrsmlc, another poster here, has consistently explained how she GAL'd on a virtually non existent budget. So, finances is just an excuse to not do something for yourself. I spend few hours on the weekend reading a book and I spend zero dollars on it. I can go for a walk and it costs me zero dollars.
You won't be able to figure out the perfect schedule right away and it takes time to tweak it to see how it can best suit your needs.
Start with something easy to do just to get momentum. And then once you experience the emotions of doing something for yourself and meeting your needs, it will snowball.
Your other question - yes, the kids were hugely impacted by the selling of the house and the whole situation in general. I've created a great deal of stability for them and it has also allowed me to grow immensely as a parent and recognize where I was failing and why - I went to IC to help with that which had a great direct impact on my relationship with the kids - we are tighter than ever.
They are still experiencing emotional hardship no doubt - especially my older kid. But I am working with him to talk about stuff more and hopefully be able to take him to a counselor soon to just chat and help him.
There will be impact on the kids, just varies depending on their age. You have to become the strong stable parent, but at the same time learn how to process your own grief and emotions in a private manner so that you are engaging in self-care.
This is not easy, but this is your life and your kids lives and you have no option right now but go forward. Take that and run with it. You will be better for it and it will show on your kids. Kids, and I know from my own, are super sensitive to your own cues and moods. When I was able to let go of my control issues and chill and really be there for them, a huge level of stress and anxiety just dropped for all of us. Kids relaxed and we made our relationship stronger and deeper. It's probably the best thing that has happened to me since BD.
I hope you also took Accuray's words to heart. Lot of wisdom in there. Figure your GAL out and come back and let us know.
