My WAS - looking help and thanks in advance

[ovrrnbw]

Here is the other email I can post to give more insight.



I've got it on my calendar. Can you offer any advice on getting wife to attend? I don't know that there is a way, but you may have seen more desperate situations turn around.

Last weekend, her friend came in town. Wife asked me to leave the house for the weekend. You and I talked about it a little. On Friday, she was driving me to get my car from a repair shop and pulled into the bank parking lot to try to get me to sign divorce papers. I told her no way and that I'd call a cab before I sat in the car while she went in there. So she decided to take me to my car, and I asked if she still "doesn't believe in divorce". She says she still doesn't believe in divorce, and said so on Saturday and Sunday. So I guess it's just me she doesn't believe in or is scared of committing to.

I think I screwed up Saturday night. I was in bed in the master, and wife wanted me to get out so her and her friend could sleep there. I made a petty argument into an hour long fight by not giving her what she wanted there. I feel like that ruined the weekend and was a step back. And now I feel like going to the lake with her dad was a major mistake, because even though it may not be wrong, she didn't like it. And I was worried that she wouldn't but her dad told me it was ok to do.

I also hinted that'd I'd tell her friend about wife's affair, to which wife almost cried. I think this was a mistake - again, it would hurt her if I did tell someone. Of course, all of these friends are advising her without knowing the whole story and that aggravates me.

Now, the last two weekends have been negative steps backwards. 2 weeks ago we hung out on Friday and Sunday. That is a lot better than this. wife went to go file Friday, but something was wrong on the papers so it didn't happen. I imagine she is going to try again this Friday (she is off Fridays). I am obviously panicked. She still thinks I am trying to control her and even the score. She also thinks I am trying to make her look bad because of me telling her family. I don't want to control her, I really would just like to be with her. And I filled out the papers b/c she told me she would try. I know she doesn't think things will change, and she is scared to "waste" her life with a controlling person (me).

She mentioned going to her parents to stay yesterday afternoon, and I ended up telling her that it is her house too and that I was going to give her some room and comfort of home tonight (this was on the advice of my best man from the wedding). I said I'd either stay at my dad's or stay in the front bedroom out of her way. I feel really bad about my actions the last two weekends - she is right, why don't I just give her the easy things that she wants? I am so dumb. I told her I don't like staying at the house alone, so I'd go to my dad's anyways if she wasn't there - is that a mistake? On the plus side, as she was leaving to go shopping or whatever she ended up doing last night, she did say she'd let me know if she was staying at the house or not, which she ended up doing, but unfortunately she was making sure I was staying at my dad's house. She also said goodbye twice and a "thank you". I had to ask what she was thanking me for, she said for "being nice". That felt good, but I don't think that will change her mind. I probably need about a hundred little things like that in a row to change her mind.

I mentioned to you talking to my friend "soandso", who is married to one of her friends that was in our wedding. I don't think she would like me doing that. But I think this friend may tell her to try. Obviously I would like that. I want help. I left your office so positive Thursday, but that seemed to change rather quickly. I'm scared to tell wife how I feel too much. I'm scared to say "if you don't believe in divorce, then work on our marriage!" I told her this can be fixed, her dad said the same. But she is not buying that. I know there are no magic words.

For a while, I was trying to do something nice for her every day - is this too much? I did make her a card last week, but I haven't given it to her yet. I texted her this morning to have a good day and she responded "thanks you too". I think I need to pour on the love this week, while giving her space when she asks for it. She always said in the past that she wants to feel needed in these type of situations - not ignored during a breakup. I was going to make her dinner tonight and just leave it there for her. And not be at the house when she gets home. Is this a bad idea? I read something called the "Last Resort Technique" by Michelle Weiner Davis that advised backing off to increase your chance of your spouse becoming more interested in you. She advises not pursuing or chasing and implies that doing so is "supplying your spouse with a reason" to leave. I don't think this is the remedy for my situation. To me that is just letting things die.

I think I married an exceptional woman, she clearly expects the best for herself. I've seen and read of people getting through way tougher situations, and I think she's just not going to lower the bar.

I know I wrote a book here, sorry. Feel free to call me if you get a chance. I just need to get some real advice. Thank you very much for all of your help so far.