WW in MLC affair and I need advice..

[Natash]

If you make plans on the Saturdays you know she'll have something........will it leave her stuck with the kids? See, this is what causes so much antagonisim. In her mind, she probably sees every other weekend as being "fair". However, it may be the only time she can see OM, or whatever, IDK. WW's don't usually care about fairness.......they care about what's best for them.

My point here is that if it falls on the weekend you know she'll have something planned, then you need to do one of two things. 1) GAL that includes the kids, or 2) be responsible for getting the babysitter. On "your free weekend", the same should apply for her.........and those are the weekends you don't have to take the kids. If you deliberately make GAL plans on her weekend, it appears as if you are trying to sabatosh her plans. Thus, her reason for having the resentment.

I believe OM has his daughter every other Saturday leaving the opposite available for my W. If I were to make plans on one of the Saturday's my wife would have plans I doubt she would get stuck with the kids as my MIL loves to watch them. However, take your advice and I will keep "her time" in mind and leave those weekends with GAL events with my girls. Then in the event that W and I both have plans, and I let her know ahead of time, we will be able to discuss it and arrange for a sitter.

[quote]When I wrote the response to AS I felt like I should not have left/kept my plans the day my daughter was sick as looking back it might have caused resentment. Since reading his response and yours I think it clarified alot for me and I will explain as I go.

Well, my point about the child being sick at her stomach, was that any mother worth her weight in salt should be able to handle it, without putting it all on the father.......the way she was doing, and has done, with you. You had nursed the child through the night, mopped up the vomit, etc. She appeared to be over it and sleeping peacefully. So, it wasn't as if you left her critically ill in the hands of an incompetent stranger! You are feeling guilty b/c AS asked if you left your sick child........and your W made you feel completely worthless. As a mother, I would not have thought anything bad toward my H leaving, after he had been up most the night with the child. If you had gone to work, it would have been the same thing.......but just b/c you took a break and did something for yourself......you're suppose to feel horrible? Sorry, I don't see anything wrong. Your W needs to act like a parent who can take care of a little girl's sick tummy without daddy being there around the clock. That's one of the issues in the MR, is that you've been the primary parent, while the mother did.......... whatever.

I like the work analogy, that has happened in the past and never was an issue.

I told my W tonight where I'm going, when I'm leaving and when I'll be back. She asked are you going with Ryan? I said yes and she told me she had some dinner plans with a friend next week that she needed to reschedule and wanted to do it for this Thursday.

Do you see anything noticeable in the quote above? The WW usually wants details about the H's GAL, but she doesn't offer up any of her own. You gave the day, the place, time of departure and time of arrival back home. But the one thing you left out......is the one thing a WW always wants to know. Who is going with you, or who will be there. All you know about her plans is that it's with some "friend". If you had told her a friend was going with you......how do you think she would have responded? It's just her sneaky way of making sure her position is still secure. Even if she is interested in being your W, she doesn't want you becoming interested in anyone else. Ironic, isn't it? It's a little thing called jealousy.

Yes it is very ironic and I knew she would want the details. Unfortunately I had to give her more than I typically would like to in our current situation because it is the smart thing do (when going into such a remote area for multiple days). I think had I answered with "a friend". She would have said "who", and then when I repeated she would have probably got pissy and stormed off irritated.

If it helps you to give her the dates and times, I think it's very considerate. I would not offer up extra details, without her digging for them. But then I never dreamed something so simple would give you such a personality or communication complex, either. It kind of defeats the purpose, if you ask me. IDK, guys like you just make me shake my head and wonder what you were like before M.

I wouldn't call it a personality complex, communication maybe but I am a very straight forward honest guy and I have a hard time doing something that feels fake or not genuine is all.It felt awkward to me at times but like I said as time goes on and activities and opportunities arrive, that will go away and become natural. This situation has been on my mind all the time and sometimes wears me down. I need to just step back and relax, enjoy life and forget about it for a minute or possibly a day. I overthink and analyze everything as it has been educated and formed into me through work. Every day the phone rings and a customer has a problem, how am I going to fix it? This is how I earn a living so when I am at home, I havent shut that mode off and am constantly trying to learn ways to help fix my own situation. But like I said, I think right now this trip will be the best thing for me. To get away with one good friend, a bunch of new people, and no electronic devices. I am perplexed about you wondering what i was like before marriage as I don't know if much has changed but maybe we can talk about that later.

Tomorrow is my birthday. My W texted me today "anything special you want for birthday meal?" I responded "let me think about it and get back to you" So then when I had a few minutes and was off the tower I had just climbed I texted her back "Are you referring to a meal you will make or purchase?" She responded "this is not a difficult question, I don't care" I thought "who is saying it's a difficult question...I'm not? My answer would depend on what was being offered so I responded "Ruby Tuesdays and the tone of the above text is not appreciated" She responded "it's a text and how you perceive it" I didn't respond and don't like going back and forth with texts when not necessary or worth it. Did I handle this correctly? I was want to make sure in the future if she gets sassy or disrespectful in texts I can put her in her place.

You are making these types of things too complicated, and that aggravates your W. You were not "saying" it was a difficult question. You acted as if it were. You could have just said, "Anything is fine with me"......or else, be precise about what you would like. Maybe it's just me, but it just seems as if you made it more complicated than necessary.
You need to relax about some of this stuff! You're going to have a heart attack.

Happy birthday today!

The problem with that convo was I was putting my wifes thoughts first, wondering if she wanted to cook a meal or go out but I should have said who cares, its my birthday. A one word text response of Ruby Tuesdays would have avoided it all.

Thank you for the birthday wish!

P.S-Sandi im going to need your help, I bought my bike as a birthday gift to myself as you know. I regret my choice keeping it a secret as my wife has not moved out when she said she was going to and would like to run a scenario by you in an upcoming post (this one is long enough).

Sure!

Thank you.


And to 44, thank you for the post and pointers. I do agree with you we are alot alike and are in similar situations. I look forward to being here for each other!