Neffer - thanks for the kind words. I feel like I have unlocked the next level in the DB detachment game and ascending to a higher plane of existence. I feel a lot better after that emotional outpouring. All good in the hood.
Crushed climbing last night by challenging myself to a harder route. Going climbing outside this weekend and I cannot wait. I am also warming up to the idea of dating - thinking about it is not making me all queasy and weird. So, I am more than good.
Regardless of the pain inflicted upon us, I don't see any reason to hold onto the anger, and I personally devote my time and my future to understand people, including their emotions, better. It's not the ultimate thing I pursue because all things do not have to have a meaning per se - It's just that most of the actions we do are in fact somewhat predictable and universal - and understanding why people do what they do helps us to recover. Every coin has two sides. By understanding, accepting and letting go of the anger no matter what you have experienced is the first real step to a better life afterwards, which shows not only towards your inner circles but in your behavior towards total strangers too.
But I do obviously understand people who are extremely hurt by their long time partners deciding to cheat, lie, manipulate, hurt etc. their own (previously) loved ones. It's something that is really hard to forgive. Ultimately, we are the ones who put the meaning for the actions and we decide how we feel about them. Cheating is a big hit on one's ego and it's hard to understand why anyone would cheat if you are an emotionally stable person who never would do that. However, not all of us are as seen from the behavior our (ex-)spouses have. Understanding that cheating or any of those behaviors is not really related to you, but related to them being emotionally undeveloped. I realize this probably doesn't help, but I got an immense amount of relief when I started to accept things as they are and could see the other side of the coin. I feel that actively using this approach has made me a better person on all social occasions as I tend to analyze the behavior of others more "on-the-fly". Finally, the world goes on and you can either choose to stay angry and dwell on what happened to you or you can decide to use it as a motivation to lead a better life. It is said that those people who go through very traumatic events truly understand what being alive means and they end up being the happiest people around. And I can say that holding anger will just consume you.
I've met a family where a man left his wife of ~30 years to go with his affair partner. This was ten years ago. The man, his ex wife and the affair partner have a lunch 3-4 times a week and they are all friends nowadays. The man and his ex wife goes to sports events or lunch sometimes together too.
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
Yeh neffer - imma climber for life. I wish I had started years ago, but still not late.
LC - the anger bit is about letting it come out over time in a controlled way. I don't think it should be held onto forever and yes it can be detrimental in the long run. But, in the short run, it can be very positive as long as it's not explosive towards others and oneself.
I honestly don't get about the H, ex-W, and affair partner hanging out, with the H and ex-W going to lunch at times. I think it's absurd and degrading for the LBS. I am way more of the 'you're cut from my life' kinda guy, with the only exception being stuff related to kids.
I know that never say never, but I cannot imagine doing that with ex-W. And I don't say that out of spite. I just feel that if i did that i would not be honoring myself and my own self-respect. But, that's me.
Yeh, but as JujuB was saying and what I am saying is that we are all in the same boat to a certain extent and that there are ways to deal with that rather blowing everything up. We all have emotional stuff we need to improve, but we're not going out and just doing $hitty things instead of addressing it.
I know that never say never, but I cannot imagine doing that with ex-W. And I don't say that out of spite. I just feel that if i did that i would not be honoring myself and my own self-respect. But, that's me.
Me too, Maika, me too...
M:46 WXW:40 T:20 M:13 D3,D8,D10 BD:11/12/16 D:12/14/16 OM confirmed 01/20/17
I honestly don't get about the H, ex-W, and affair partner hanging out, with the H and ex-W going to lunch at times. I think it's absurd and degrading for the LBS. I am way more of the 'you're cut from my life' kinda guy, with the only exception being stuff related to kids.
I know that never say never, but I cannot imagine doing that with ex-W. And I don't say that out of spite. I just feel that if i did that i would not be honoring myself and my own self-respect. But, that's me.
Never thought this would happen to me ever. I wouldn't even meet OW until after they were married and that was a few years.
However, now my daughter, my ex and his now wife, AP, stepmother to my daughter will have an occasional meal together, sit together at kids events, and he had his sister invite me and our daughter to his sisters superbowl party (I was close with his sister, she didn't mind) and we all hung out.
Now, would I do this if we didn't share a young child? No way. But my daughter was very uncomfortable when we were separate at the same places and I had to show positive communication for her comfort. Now she is comfortable around all of us. I wanted to minimize the effects of having 2 homes, and I believe I've done an excellent job. Sure, I took a bullet for my kid, but I would throw myself in front of a train for her.
This isn't for everyone. But I do suggest it where there is a young kid, who has positive feelings towards all involved. OWW has been in my daughter's life since she was baby. That's her stepmother (I also like her better than my ex, believe or not).
