WW in MLC affair and I need advice..

[Natash]

You do understand why she's angry don't you? I mean she has every right to be!

I do to a point. I told her after her response my plans could be flexible and she didn't care. She wanted to go to an event but never mentioned it to me and that is suppose to be ok but I'm supposed to continue telling her all of my plans like I always did before BD? I'm confused because I read Sandi's rules often and listen to advice Sandi gives me. I can see how I should not be doing something that would increase resentment. Any past resentment can't be from these actions because I never acted this way before but as you pointed out I can see how new resentment could be created.[/quote]

The statement in bold caused me to go back and read every post I wrote on your thread. I don't think I gave you any advice to give you the idea to intentionally cause more resentment in the MR.

You are correct and I don't think you gave me advice to intentionally cause resentment either. When I wrote the response to AS I felt like I should not have left/kept my plans the day my daughter was sick as looking back it might have caused resentment. Since reading his response and yours I think it clarified alot for me and I will explain as I go.

In fact, you were the one wanting to keep some activity a secret and I told you not to do it. I explained that you did not have to give precise details about GAL.......but interact as if she was the elderly lady living there for room & board. Politely communicate what she needs to know about your GAL. You don't have to be rude about it.

Again, 100 percent correct. I really wish I had come home with the bike that night as I regret keeping it a secret because she has not moved out and ii should have addressed it at the time. Looking back, anytime we've had a debate or argument, it has been over something that lacked communications. When all said and done, I end up talking about it anyways so it would make sense just to be direct with my W and tell her I am going to A,b,c, etc and avoid possible future arguments/discussions.

It's been my experience to see H's with NGS really struggle to find balance in his quest to appear more self confident, in charge, standing up to his W, etc. From what I could tell in your recent posts, this is true for you. You have difficulty with your "delivery" about GAL. Perhaps it is b/c you are trying not to tell her much.

Amazing! You nailed it. I realized today that the seceracy/mysterious part of GAL that I was attempting I struggled with and it made it feel fake and not genuine. I believe this is because my GAL part of my life is not where I know and hope it can be (it's just starting out) and also the resentment I have acquired probably does come through with a little attitude. And you are right, I struggle with not telling her too much. Ive told myself today to step back and relax. As I increase the quantity of genuine activities it will become easier and become natural to look calmly at my W and say "I have plans on this date to a,b,c, are you ok with watching the girls?" and at those times it won't be easy for whatever reason, I will stand up to my wife and tell her without any shame or guilt. I'll refer to my out of state trip again when buying the bike. As tough as it was too leave a sick child, getting out with a buddy for the day was fun. Then when I couple my Ws reaction with AS response it made me second guess. I believe the whole problem was my delivery. I did not announce the plans ahead of time and I announced a portion of the plan last minute and abruptly left. I bet if my wife knew I had money down on an item that I would miss out on if I did not make the purchase that day, she'd be more understanding and have less or no resentment. Then again, who knows, she's wayward but at least I could say when something unexpected pops up " you knew I had plans". One other thing I think has been happening is I have been trying to show my wfie I'm getting a life...this isn't about her and should be for me so when I stop caring about what she thinks and go have fun to have fun, it will be easier and feel more genuine as well. 14 years of having your wife as your best friend and doing everything together would cause this I suppose.

IDK the tone of voice you use, but in reading what you've said.......it could come across as a bit rude to her.

My voice is quiet but I'm nervous and abrupt like mentioned above.

I've also told you when a couple falls into a tit-for-tat situation there is no win-win solution. The resentment only gets worse. Someone has to break that "pay-back" theme. Know what I mean? You have resented her going out every other Sarurday, so when you do inform her of your plans......I suspect some attitude might be showing through. I also suspect, and have cautioned you about you planning GAL in order to prevent her from going out. That is controlling behavior, and it is not helping the situation. If both of you happen to have plans at the same time, then a babysitter is required.

Yes you have told me that and will work on an opportunity to break the tit for tat. I think this trip will help. I think the last time we were apart for a week was when we were dating 14 years ago. I am curious about the everyother weekend plans. If I remember right, you asked me what my plans were for one of those Saturdays. I agree and remember reading that trying to affect my Ws plans is controlling. However for my sanity, I'd love to have plans on those days to occupy my mind,time, and think about nothing but goodtimes. Is this a fair view to have?

What you don't want to do is swing too far out in one direction, decide it's not working and swing way out the other direction. Find the middle.

Would it be weak or wrong to tell my wife "Due to the current situation I have struggled at times and this has caused some of my actions and decisions recently to not be genuine"?

Yes, it would sound like an excuse to her. And, saying this right after telling her about your trip........sounds as if you are trying to butter her up. She hasn't responded, except to ask if the trip would be all week, right? So, you see how this would look to say the above quote now.

This is an example of what I mean by you swinging from one extreme to the other. You read some post of mine and think you have to be rude to be tough. I have never told you to be rude to your W. I've not suggested you act like an a$$, have I? Then you read Another Stander's posts, and you think he is telling you the opposite of what I've said, so you go swinging to what feels more comfortable to you.........which is soft, nice-guy ways. That wasn't what Another Stander was suggesting. At least, I didn't read it that way.

Find balance, Natash.

I do feel like this morning my head was focused in one direction and then snapped 180 degrees around so the swinging description is accurate and I will work on the balance.

So tonight I gave details of the trip to my wife. It is an annual trip some in the group have done the same week each year (due to snowmelt, ice out and water levels) for 35 years!. This year the water level is at a record high so it should be interesting! I am looking forward to it and
and remember back in the 7th grade planning out a similar trip on a nearby river as a project for school. At that time I dreamed about how much fun it would be to do it and now I'm getting to (The one thing I haven't addressed is I'm going to miss D7 music concert she has worked hard learning the songs...one is African! I'm planning on having it videotaped for me). I told my W tonight where I'm going, when I'm leaving and when I'll be back. She asked are you going with Ryan? I said yes and she told me she had some dinner plans with a friend next week that she needed to reschedule and wanted to do it for this Thursday. I said yeah that's fine, I was hoping to go to the gym that day but we can work around that.

Tomorrow is my birthday. My W texted me today "anything special you want for birthday meal?" I responded "let me think about it and get back to you" So then when I had a few minutes and was off the tower I had just climbed I texted her back "Are you referring to a meal you will make or purchase?" She responded "this is not a difficult question, I don't care" I thought "who is saying it's a difficult question...I'm not? My answer would depend on what was being offered so I responded "Ruby Tuesdays and the tone of the above text is not appreciated" She responded "it's a text and how you perceive it" I didn't respond and don't like going back and forth with texts when not necessary or worth it. Did I handle this correctly? I was want to make sure in the future if she gets sassy or disrespectful in texts I can put her in her place.

Thank you Nicole for your response and special thanks to AS and Sandi. I feel like I'm in a better mindset now.

P.S-Sandi im going to need your help, I bought my bike as a birthday gift to myself as you know. I regret my choice keeping it a secret as my wife has not moved out when she said she was going to and would like to run a scenario by you in an upcoming post (this one is long enough).









[/quote]