Am I Piecing, or Pi$$ing in the wind???

[Accuray]

Hi Clyde,

I don't know your whole sitch, I just read the post above. In my case, I was piecing for a couple years and then things blew up again and ended.

Based on your description above, you've got a few things going on. For one, relationships reach an equilibrium. Its when each person knows their part, what's expected of them, who wants the relationship more, who wants sex more, etc. etc.

When you get into piecing, that equilibrium goes out the window because it was associated with your prior relationship, and for a time, its very uncomfortable as you seek to find a new equilibrium. Ideally, you'll land in a place that was much better than where you landed before. In my case, exW kept pulling us back to the prior equilibrium that originally she was unhappy with, but obviously she needed something from it.

When we reconciled, we agreed to do a certain number of things to invest in our relationship. After a month she announced unilaterally that she was going to stop doing a couple of them, then a month later she announced she was going to stop doing a couple more etc. until they had all been stripped away and we were right back where we were pre-BD. Each time I would push back she would convince me it wasn't necessary, she was in a better place now, blah blah blah.

It looks like, in your sitch, you have some of this going on where your new equilibrium has not been reached and you are both testing limits and trying to figure out how much territory you're each going to capture in your new land battle.

The second thing that screams through your post above is that W is holding most of the power in the relationship right now. She's "one up" and you are "one down". You're giving massages, she isn't. You're making plans, she's making excuses. You're extending invites and she's declining.

When things get too bad, like when she threatened to go to a teddy party and talked about the Playboy mansion, you pushed back and established a boundary, and she backed off and respected it.

The best thing that's going to help you navigate this phase is embracing conflict. There's a great book you should look up called "Rock the Boat".

Effectively it says this -- for a relationship to evolve and survive the test of time, both people in it need to be capable and willing to walk away from it, and each of you needs to believe that is the case.

When things happen that are not okay with you, you need to bring the issue to a head. Either she can agree with your request, she can offer a counter-proposal and negotiate, or you walk away.

If she doesn't believe you will walk away if she doesn't engage with you on this issue, then its not even worth having the conversation because you're effectively just begging her for something.

Forcing these points of conflict causes the relationship to evolve. If the relationship doesn't evolve, resentment will build up and you will inevitably gradually spin apart until things blow up anyway. It's rip of the bandaid or endure a death by 1000 cuts.

This may seem harsh or unreasonable, or like it devalues marriage, and obviously you can't make ultimatums any time anything happens that upsets you. The point, however, is that if something is repeatedly happening that is making you unhappy, you *will* inevitably get resentful. When you get resentful, you cannot be a good relationship partner, so conflict avoidance can't work.

You need to spend some time thinking about your non-negotiables. It sounds like you need some relationship counseling, it sounds like you need some recreational companionship, it sounds like you need some date nights, and it sounds like you need a good sex life.

Figure out what you really aren't willing to live without, and then tell her the way that things have been going isn't working for you. Spell out what you need, and let her respond. She needs to tell from your demeanor that you are serious as a heart attack and won't just accept the status quo.

If you're not ready to put all your chips in the middle you won't be able to win. I've traveled the road you're headed down and it doesn't end well my friend.

Acc