I know it did not reach 10 pages or 100 post on my last thread, but I did not want to continue it as the title would be a dead giveaway if the w was to see it, I worry she might be looking to find if I have been participating on a forum as such. Back in Feb., during an argument she mentioned something to the likes.
For those reasons along with the thought that I needed to take a break from posting and reading about all the tragic and hurtful experiences that you find here. I don't know that it was helping my frame of mind at that point. As things would not feel right in our M, I would find myself imagining the scenarios I was reading about here, playing out in our M. Starting lurking again the last few weeks, and as always, have picked up some valuable wisdom in the process.
I am doing good, started mountain biking again, (prior to kids, I rode daily), got all the kids on mountain bikes (they are loving it) and the w has a bike sitting waiting for her to join us. Also took up the hobby of Bonsai - I find it very calming, gratifying, and a big lesson in patience, lol. Been playing the guitar more even though the w does not condone...(I'll touch on that in a bit). I have drastically cut my hours working. I am more determined than ever to triumph in this life I have been blessed with, with or without the w by my side.
The w and I are okay... yes just okay, almost feel like I am in marital purgatory. When things are good - there good, even though the initial happiness the w was showing when we first R has worn off a bit. Intimacy is okay, not where it was prior to BD, and far from how I would like it. When a disagreement occurs, little is accomplished, we lack the tools necessary to navigate them effectively/w minimal unnecessary damage. I have gotten a lot better in these circumstances, but still have some wisdom to gain. The w is still not open to seek any type of counseling, at one point she seemed to be considering the idea of Retrouvaille, but has since shot down the idea... last time I mentioned it she gave a smart a$$ remark like "yeah, that sounds fun - sounds like I'll need a vacation after that!"
I have suspected hormones may be playing a part in all this, (after first BD and the w started acting differently, someone close to her that is older than us mentioned the possibility hormones might be playing in the scenario - her opinion on the whole sitch was that was likely the case.) Hormones has never been brought up to the w until a few weeks ago at which point she mentioned it. When it came up I suggested that she have it checked out, she refused saying that she would not put chemicals into her body. I said I understand, but having it checked out would at least let you know that something is in fact going on - doesn't mean you need to "put chemicals in your body". Nothing was said after that.
I still feel as though there is this block the w has when it comes to me. Its hard to explain but it is blatantly obvious...
For example, she is a massage therapist... we are going on month 6 of Reconcile, she gave me one massage (6 months ago) prior to R, even though I have asked, even though I have had a severe neck injury and back problems, my doctor has suggested I get weekly massages (She knows this). I massage her feet 4 -5 times a week for close to an hour at a time when she gets home from work. I've hinted a few times, I asked once to which her reply was (when does she have the time?), later that night she must have seen the absurdity in her remark - as we were going to bed she said something like, "You know what, you do need a massage - we'll make it happen." Needless to say, it never happened, I continued to give her foot massages but am staring to think why bother - spend that time doing something for me.
Another example is intimacy, its not where it was prior to BD, she does not initiate it, she shuts it down 60% of the time, and makes stupid comments like "I get there a few times within 5 minutes, you need to start hurrying up". We used to take our time and make love. She used to go out of her way to turn me on, its very seldom now. I have dropped hints, been romantic, candles - flowers, wine, etc, made sure the house was clean (not just once or twice - consistently) all to no avail.
Another example, during R talks and since R I have said time and time again, we need to get out together, date night if you will, dosen't happen. Finally 2 weeks ago, I brought it up again, told her we just need to do it. I lined up a babysitter, started looking for a show to go to, she said no to going to a show... said lets just go somewhere local, get a few drinks. As we were heading out, she said she wanted to be back before the kids go to bed, I said "thats in 2 hours, doesn't give us much time." She said she misses the kid's bed time a few times a week cause of work, doesn't want to miss it tonight. We went and enjoyed a few drinks, stayed out passed the kids bed time anyhow... she then picked a fight.... Yes - SHE picked a fight. I started to fall for it but pulled myself out of it... Somehow she brought up the "sister" and how she used to go to the PlayBoy mansion for there events, she explained that the "sister would pay $90 to submit an application to attend the events/parties and got chosen many times" my response was I am sure glad you never did that, the dynamics of our R would be a lot different if existent at all. She begun to defend the sister, I said what does it matter, I don't care about her and beyond that the PlayBoy mansion is no more, Hugh died! She then went on to mention local events that were organized in the same manner... mentioned the name of one and said the "lady's wear Teddys (lingerie) to it. What if I want to get all dolled up and go with them?" I responded, " I think you know the answer to that, I want no part of a m where that goes on." I put money on the table and told her I would meet her in the truck and walked out. On the way home she started to say, "see, you don't trust me going out with my friends". I stopped the truck and said "are you kidding me, you want to go out wearing a Teddy? When is the last time you wore one for me? Its been years! Even if you did wear one for me I am still not okay with you going out in one!" Her reply was, "I don't know what you are talking about... I don't even know what a Teddy is... I never said that". I replied I am done with this conversation, I'm not doing this." We went home, I journaled in a book I have, she fell asleep on the couch, later came to bed about 4 in the morning. Next day she apologized right away, (I was shocked, she never apologizes). She said she was being stupid and that there is no way she would ever go much less want to go to something like that. That night she came on to me and we had amazing sex, she went out of her way to turn me on...... So to the point of bringing this one up, after contemplating why she would pull such a stunt (blow up the good time we were having) the reason I keep going back to is that block she has towards me. I don't understand it.
The sun still rises, even though the pain.
Married: 10 Together: 17 M:40 W:37 D:13, S 7, S:5 1st Bomb dropped: 4/20/17 2nd Bomb dropped: 6/6/17 Separated: 7/26/17 W moved back home: 12/1/17
