Still journaling. Lots of details because this is mostly for me to remember everything. First meeting with the lawyer is Friday, and I'm kind of looking forward to it. I'm sure I'll be very emotional, but I'm looking forward to getting out on my own. I've never been alone as an adult. I've never done the dating scene. My W is actually the only woman I've ever kissed. I had this romantic idea of it being that way forever, and I'm still dealing with getting over that.

Everything has been pretty good, except for Sunday. W is very stressed about work, and we tend to feed off each others emotions so it stressed me out. This in turn made her more stressed and she shut down, went to her room and laid there the whole day. We need to get some paperwork ready for Friday, and I had not seen it yet. We won't see each other much during the week, so I asked her about it. This led to some tense conversations. She was just cranky. Yesterday was much better. We had dinner together as a family, and the kids went outside to play afterwards. While cleaning the dinner table W initiated some R talk. We talked about the future, the past, what worked, what didn't. That sort of thing. It was really good. We talked about divorce proceedings and how we'll split the assets. We talked about what we wanted out of the meeting on Friday. Then it turned personal.

She told me why she thinks she can't have feelings for me. She blamed herself, and apologized. She said objectively she knows I am the best man she'll ever meet (I check all the boxes as she puts it), but she can't make herself feel that way for me. She sees me as a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde and doesn't know when she'll get bit again. This has to do with our sexual history of me getting angry with her for withholding sex. Sex has always been a difficult subject for us. First because of distance apart, then her issues with her mom and her upbringing, then she tried to reset by cutting me off during our engagement without telling me, etc. She said she would test me, and it was wrong of her, but she did it anyways. She would wait until I was desperate for affection (after a month or so of no sex), and she would aggressively come on to me while making it clear she didn't actually want sex to see what I would do. I knew exactly what she was talking about, and usually I would go for it. She said she didn't blame me, and she wasn't proud of her actions. That's just what she is afraid of. I can't blame her either. We were both very inexperienced, and we explored with each other. That's what college aged kids do. She is quite repressed, and I guess I wanted to explore a bit too much for her (honestly it was nothing out of the ordinary, she is very conservative and I'm okay with that). She's just never been able to get over being afraid of that side of me.

I validated her feelings and thoughts, and thanked her for opening up to me. She said that this might hurt me, but that she's looking forward to having some good sex again some day. I can honestly say, this didn't hurt me. I can tell I'm moving forward with my detachment. She said it had nothing to do with me, it was just all in her head, and I agree. We put the kids to bed, and continued to talk. She talked about how her IC thinks she still has attachments and feelings for me, but she just can't see them. She told me why she disagreed with him. I validated her feelings, but tend to agree with the IC. Her feelings are just so buried, and she won't get out of her way and deal with them until we are truly separated. We agreed that we need to get away from each other. We are both anxious around the other, and we need some time to heal and deal with ourselves because we haven't been our real selves around each other in a long time. I told her that all I want from her is a genuine relationship. Whether that be as co-parents, friends, or more. I said it would be awhile before I can be anything but a good co-parent, but in the future we'll be okay. I just asked one thing of her: to see me as the man I am today and will become in the future, not the dumb kid that I used to be. She said she would, but she is still dealing with lots of issues from the past (mostly not from me). She just wanted me to know that I didn't screw her up. She was already screwed up, and she's sorry for that. We talked a bit longer about some happy times and I made her laugh and smile a lot.

I ended the conversation and said goodnight and started to walk out of the room. As I left the room she called out a remark about an inside joke we have, knowing I would turn around and come back. When I did she was almost naked, getting ready to shower. She smiled at me and gave me the sexy, don't you wish you could have this look and we both laughed. She did this because throughout our conversation we had been joking about both of us getting into really good shape lately and we are both looking really good. She had joked, in a friendly way, a few times about her body looking so good that I couldn't resist her. I would return fire by reminding her that Thor had nothing on me these days (she loves her some Chris Hemsworth), and if she continued I would be forced to take action. It was all very playful banter. Weird stuff from a woman that is so afraid of me sexually, but at least she's getting more comfortable. I told her she was lucky I'd already showered today or I'd force my way into the shower with her. We both laughed, and I turned to leave and as I walked out I called out, "I love you!" I stopped in my tracks. I hadn't said those words to her in months. It just came out so fast and natural. I was flustered. I quickly said "I'm sorry," realized that was NGS and got more flustered! She was in the shower already. She called out "I love you like a brother!" More jokes because I had told her before that I don't want her to think of me as a brother. I'd rather be her friend. So I said don't be incestuous, you were just trying to seduce me! We had a good laugh and I finally made it out of her room.

It's such a strange place to be. We're clearly anxious and uncomfortable living in the same home, but when we forget what's happening we are great together. Her main fear with me is sexually driven, yet she's clearly able to tease me sexually when there is nothing on the line. Is this another test? We both are ready to move on (well, I'm getting there and I've been approached by multiple women already as I'm not wearing my ring but I feel wrong doing anything about it until I have my own place). I'm grieving for the past, but know I don't want to go back. I am starting to get excited for the possibilities and getting out on my own, but I just can't shake the feeling we aren't done yet. I know my sitch isn't that old, but I guess we've both known things weren't right for awhile. It all feels so fast, and I just hoped we could work things out together. Now I think she can't work them out unless we are separate. We are clearly moving on with the divorce, and I think it's in our best interests, but I just know there is something still there. I'll move on and enjoy my life and all that comes with being single, and maybe someday that will lead us back together.

On a side note, I know everybody thinks they are unique and different and the rules don't apply to them, but I really don't think my wife is wayward. I also don't know if she's a walkaway. She immediately came clean about her EA with OM. Honestly, it didn't start until we were in a very bad place and she didn't acknowledge her romantic feelings for him until we had separated. She immediately showed remorse. She has apologized and has not once tried to keep me attached to her. She is still not talking to him even though I have suggested that she can go out and do whatever she wants at this point. She is planning to go to a movie while I take the kids on a trip this weekend. I asked if she was going with anybody and she said by herself. I said she has friends she can go with, and she named each friend and said why they couldn't go. I told her you know who would be willing to go with you (implying OM), and she just shook her head and said no. She didn't look sad, she didn't acknowledge who I was talking about, she just said no. She routinely points out women I should talk to. She is never jealous or angry when I go out. She wants me to GAL. I really feel that she is genuine when she says she wants me to be happy and she feels she can't give me that. It just doesn't follow the script that I would expect from a WW. Maybe somebody can fill me in here and show me the errors of my thinking. Maybe she's just doing all of that to assuage her guilt, I don't know. She has just said please don't talk to me about any women that you are seeing until you are serious enough to consider introducing them to our kids. We'll see how Friday goes, and then I'll update.