Every family has their own brand of celebrating a birthday. However, this mother's self centered attitude, and tattling to you that the kids were not paying more attention to her special day......made me a little sick to my stomach. She is an adult. You enabled her (and that's why W called and tattled) by telling the D to be more sensitive and "to get on board" to make her mom feel special. You do that a lot, you know. The kids have to make mom feel good. It's always about mom.

They are doing what normal kids do.......which is to hang out with other kids. Your D may have thought there was a little hypocrisy in making a big to do over mom's birthday, and right now, D is very angry at her parents. She did not want to hear another "We both love you very much and none of this is your fault" speeches. She has seen how accommodating you have always been to your W, but what makes D angry is that you've tried to make the kids be accommodating to W, also. After they get into their pre-teens, they really resent this kind of stuff.

I strongly advise you to stop telling them to do anything for their mother's sake. You seem to be blind to the results it has caused. Just stop it.

It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!