Can I really do this?

[Dtrmned]

A roller coaster of a weekend followed by a day of medical stuff so this update and request for feedback is way overdue!

First, W's Bday was Friday. I worked, but had asked with the children what she wanted to do. Movie and dinner was the plan (always depending on her health). I got up, made her coffee, and since our kids were out of school (Happy Bday to Mom!), I had the time and made her breakfast. Nothing fancy, just hoping to make her day a little brighter. I know this is not really good at the letting go thing, going dark, but sometimes you have to follow and do what you feel is right (welcome the criticism here). When I left early for work, she was actually in a good mood. Move forward to Noonish where I get the phone call of her balling her eyes out since the kids were ignoring her, playing in another room and not doing anything to make her feel at all special. Consoled and validated a little bit. Spoke with my daughter and asked her to be a little more sensitive, get on board and make it a good day for her mother. This didn't really work at all as my D then asked her Mom if she could go and do something with her friends and commented "why does your Bday have to be today". Well, that kind of poked the bear (me) on that one. I got home a little early as we were trying to head out early. D was obstinate (as teenagers will be) and we talked a bit. She was upset as she said she didn't see the point of us doing anything as a family since W and I were getting a divorce anyway. We haven't shared that with them. She is not dumb. Discussed how married people fight and have ups and downs and that we still love each other and regardless of how things ever turned out, we will always love her. I also told her she cannot live in fear of what may happen. If her parent's marriage ends in divorce, why not enjoy the time you have now? What if the marriage doesn't end in divorce? You wasted the opportunities to spend time with your family. PLEASE don't live your life worried about something that may or may not happen!

She got a little upset and then said some things to me that were hurtful and cruel. That she didn't like me (we hang out all the time) and then she described in detail, using the same exact words my W uses about how she feels about me. Wonder where she got that? Upset me very much. Controlled, calmed down and discussed it. Asked if she would at least try to salvage the day for her mother and she said yes.

W was having a very bad health day combined with the emotions of the birthday, her father forgetting to send her a message and then he also sent her a kind of mean message, and just generally pitying herself for most of the day. We ended up not going anywhere. Kids and I went and picked up dinner from one of her favorite restaurants and we all watched a funny movie at home. Cake, cards and gifts. I did get her a card but only signed it with my name. Nothing sappy, marital, loving, etc. Just a regular Happy Bday card.

Saturday we took my D to get a dress for her dance next week. I bought some new running shoes and hadn't worn them yet so I took the opportunity to wear them and break them in.

W kind of went off with "nice new shoes" I guess we can go shopping and buy stuff again. I hadn't bought new shoes in 5 years! What does she care? I got baited into an argument and I was unable to resist to get fully into it. I tried and failed to disengage. Prior to it erupting she did disclose that she had a couple of leads on jobs (in the city an hour away) and her "friend" is getting her business off the ground soon. Supposed to start in March and now has "issues". Validated that I was glad she was looking into stuff and things were looking positive.

We discussed briefly about medical stuff since our switch over to new coverage is today. She mentioned that she thinks when its all done that she is just going to get on Medicare. Validated that even though I know her quality of care will drastically reduce as well as the RX's available to her. Also didn't mention that medicare is income based and if she makes too much, she will have to move off of that. Taking Sandi2's advice here that I have been fired, she doesn't want my help and it's not my problem. She talked about moving to the other city again and I voiced my concern that I didn't desire my children to be over an hour away. She said that "we (her and the children) just need a fresh start. This is ALL referring to her, not me. She made some comments like she hates the city we are in and that is the main reason she is unhappy. Unfortunately, I took that lure and reacted asking that if we relocated for a fresh start with our family, would she then be willing to work on our MR. She hesitated for a long time and then said "if I ever get to that point, you will definitely be the first to know".

We discussed money for a few and I asked if she intended to go back to work now to give all of us a little help as we transition. She said maybe. I will let that stew for a bit as yesterday she spent at the dr's office and was asleep when the kids got home. How is that going to work again adding in a full time job????

ANYWAY. So I got sucked in and very much regret allowing myself to do that. I had the choice, and I should have ended it quickly. W's Bday day stung her very hard I believe as she couldn't do anything because of her health, the kids didn't treat her well, and she didn't get much of an outpouring of support that she thought she was going to get.

Lots of family stuff this week, so unfortunately there will be a lot of interaction. I will keep it to a minimum as much as possible. Working on myself still and actually looking pretty good! W asked if I had my teeth whitened (switched to a new toothpaste). Thought it was funny she noticed.

She is still determined to go on her own path. I am validating her choice and letting her make the decisions and move it all forward. I will not hinder, but will not do it either.