Don't want to be a wayward wife ...

[25yearsmlc]

Hi Blue

A few rambling thoughts.

1) like you, I find myself frustrated with witnessing LBS doormat behavior in the face of an utterly remorseless WAS.

the "fog lifting" and the "affair fog" and the "MLC" terms are phrases that irk the heck out of me at times. Here, You never read about narcissistic behavior that does not improve and or personality disorders that are very hard to treat (so the disordered person is exceedingly unlikely to change)...

2) like Juju, I have not seen any sign of my x awakening at all. On the contrary, he's engaged to his OW and marrying this month, and he is not inviting our kids to the wedding.

To be honest, his not inviting our kids is a relief for me. (My ego would have taken such a hit to feel replaced and have OUR kids with his new wife and new life...and he posts now on facebook and instagram (!!??!) with her and they are "so happy" and "So active"...

But it also suggests that his narrative of our m vastly conflicts with what our children might say up there. (=Truth).

Actually I do think my x has some form of personality disorder b/c his views and statements of "fact" that were proved false yet which he clings to, are just crazy.
So that makes me feel like a real dolt to have spent so much energy on maintaining an illusion...

I KNOW I bought into the db world and saving my marriage like a cult member in a new church, a church that reassured me that what I was seeing with my eyes was not the culmination of years of abusive crap by an increasingly selfish man, with an insatiable ego and need for chaos and - ironically - control,

but was somehow an "MLC fog"...which I often question the value of now.

A part of me is furious at myself (working hard on it in therapy) and a part of me is furious at db for helping me waste a decade of my life putting up with so much deceit and blindly "reframing" h's horrific behavior.

You can argue - and I do - that I benefitted by having that time with my kids and living in a beautiful area of the country then, too. There was a trade off and I'm not a victim.

yet The fact that x sees our m totally differently as if HE is a victim and without regard to deeply wounding the 4 people who loved him the most, reassures me that he's hopelessly screwed up. NO matter what label you put on him, he is bad news for ME.

I want him to have a r with our kids BUT not at all cost. He has hurt them far far more than he will ever know or admit or face or work to amend.


Blue's situation is one which we all thought we wanted...and God knows I credit her h for being one of those rarely seen unicorns who screws up and gets it! AND wants to do the work to undo as much as he can and rebuild what they can!

I wanted that but I mistook x's self pity and missing us, as true remorse and self awareness, which it was not.

Knowing that Blues case is the best case scenario is what newbies must realize. And without a long shared history and kids, and the type of h she has, - who won't flinch when reminded of her pain - I'm not sure many would want to do it.

Just my .02

Blue, keep posting. It matters. And thanks for stopping by my thread.

I don't feel like a success since x has thrown away 35 years of marriage, a woman who loved him deeply and 3 children who deserve so much better than he gave and his integrity - the lying under oath and hiding income OMG OMG, and it seems as if he sees not a single problem with it.

In fact in his narrative I am the villain and he is the victim. It feels insane and infuriating to write and read that, and it kind of is...

hmmm

when I read that^^^ - those are the moments wherein I wonder "maybe I'm just around the corner from seeing what a favor x did by leaving me when he did - (ie when I was so sick -no way to reframe that crappy choice.)

Maybe I have dodged a bullet. My golden years would have been a nightmare and now, instead, I get my turn."

So maybe that's the success part, eh?