Advice on my scenario Pt. 3

[OrangeK]

Steve,

Im not positive it was anger. I had a really RAW gunt wrenching breakdown yesterday. I was defeated. By the time i got home and sat to write this i had leveled off.
If anything i would say the emotion behind that long post is something more akin to injustice, frustration, and helplessness.

I am hurt by what WW has done, i was ANGRY back in Feb (a letter i wrote and never sent shows this, it is VULGAR. I still have it sealed in my nightstand)

I pity her, and i am deeply, deeply wounded by what she did. However i to believe she is not in very good control of her emotions, actions and decisions.
She is damaged, i believe she is consciously aware of what shes doing and the pain she has caused, and likely feels some degree of guilt.
However her need to run away from her own internal issues and her tendency to avoid at all costs, makes her follow through with really bad decisions to avoid confrontation, as opposed to dealing with her emotions like the mature adult she ISN'T.

When i can have Contact with her again i will not be reaching out. We will need to talk eventually but im going to let her take that first step. She can decide how she wants to start communicating again, and she can decide the mood it takes. I will only react, and minimally.
Grey Stone, GAL and Detachment are the plan.
Detachment has been a serious struggle, as im still left with the ghost image of the woman i loved.
I havent had any dealings with her since i had the wool peeled back from my eyes, so when i do, my approach will be very cautious, observant and planned.
I have DB Tech now on my side.
I just have to get through thursday and see if the RO will endure, or if it gets pushed further back.
Still no movement on my motion to hold D.
I think Judge may be waiting to address it on our hearing May 22nd.
If Judge pushed D through, ill just go with it rather than make further resistance. If it gets put on hold, ill ride with that until WW decides to make a move for herself for once.
I have a summer to enjoy, as best i can.

Stomach is still a little twisty today, still miss her, but am repulsed by her at the same time. What a conflicting dynamic.
Oh to be in love....
Having all my friends in the "getting married / having babies stage" is killing me. I wanted to have another child with her, now im considering never having kids again.