WW in MLC affair and I need advice..

[Natash]

You have to strike a balance with this. When you're still living together and especially if you have young kids, then it's not fair to her for you to just disappear with no notice, or come home late, etc. If you make plans then give her some advanced notice. You don't have to give her a lot of specifics, but at least tell her when you have plans and make sure it works OK for her too. Don't use her like a baby-sitter because that will just make her resent you more.

I understand this, makes sense but I am confused and will elaborate as I continue the responses.

Last weekend I got up early on Sunday morning and asked if she had plans as I walked by her still in bed. She said only to get groceries. So I responded "I'm going skiing for half the day."

That just sounds like a recipe for more resentment!

I always used to ask my W if she was ok with plans and or at minimum give her adequate notice on when, where,who is was with, and how long id be someplace in the rare event I went out with out W prior to BD. As part of keeping GAL mysterious and a 180, I stopped volunteering any info and only answered her questions. Now I'm wondering if it has been more hurtful than helpful and it's not like I can tell her I misunderstood some DBing advice.

This week had been decent and until I slipped up. I got out of work on time and went to the gym. When I got home, the WW snapped at me "you work late?" I said yeah and then asked how D7 was doing. WW then snapped again "you work late?" I had my D on my mind and said yeah and then I went to the gym. She acted irritated.

You do understand why she's angry don't you? I mean she has every right to be!

I do to a point. I told her after her response my plans could be flexible and she didn't care. She wanted to go to an event but never mentioned it to me and that is suppose to be ok but I'm supposed to continue telling her all of my plans like I always did before BD? I'm confused because I read Sandi's rules often and listen to advice Sandi gives me. I can see how I should not be doing something that would increase resentment. Any past resentment can't be from these actions because I never acted this way before but as you pointed out I can see how new resentment could be created.

If you want to run errands then why not take the girls? Why does GAL mean dump the kids at home on your W to you? Give your W some alone time. She might actually appreciate you for that.

I will do this if I get the opportunity. In the past I would take one or both girls, and have once recently. Inside the home, I give as much space to my W as I can. When I leave I make sure the girls have had breakfast and are dressed for the day. The W and girls are usually watching morning cartoons at this time when I leave. Sadly, I knew I was giving her space and time without me around but I never recognized it would be a good time to take them with me to give her space and time alone.

Did you know D7 was sick before you skipped out? Be there for your kids.

This one hurts. I was up with D7 every half hour from 10 until 4 through out the night when she was sick. She hadn't been sick for 3 hours since getting up but as I was saying bye she got sick...so yes I knew. I struggled with this and if you look back you'll see I was planning to cancel. I have always been there for my kids until that day. I was told not to cancel my plans so I followed the advice I was given and didn't. Now, like I said earlier, I am confused. I know my W did not like what I did.

I don't think you've handled any of it well. I think you misunderstand DB'ing, GAL'ing and you definitely don't understand validation. I would suggest you step back and read DB/ DR again and ALL of the links in Cadet's first post to you, but especially the threads on validation. Also look at Sandi's rules several times a day until you understand the gist of them.

Thank you for your thoughts and recommendations. I thought I've been doing well with the rules but have said to myself that I need to work on validation.

If you're smart you'll cancel this trip ASAP. If you want to disappear for a week then that is something you should talk to your W about, at least a month in advance (even if the two of you end up separating). Even if the two of you are not acting as husband and wife anymore you ARE coparents. You both have parenting responsibilities on a daily basis. GAL doesn't mean shirk your parenting duties.

I did talk with my Wife this morning. I told her I was recently in invited to go on a trip for a week but before I could commit I needed to make sure she was ok caring for the girls without me for the week. She said "yeah, that's fine". It was almost too easy. The only question she asked was "is it the full week?" and I said yeah Sunday until Friday. I am wondering now if she is planning to move out this weekend or next weekend when I'm gone and has not said anything to me (I don't bring the move out up as I leave that up to her to talk about (I will not hold her back, she is free to stay or go, the decision is hers). The other possibility is that I find after she goes out for long periods of time (presumably with OM) the following day she is nicer and in a better almost friendly mood.

I will reread Cadets advice and make a goal to validate daily, several times if possible.