Thanks mtb for your kind words. I am almost close to a year out from BD, and there are still some rough days. So, I'd counsel all newcomers to take a HUGE step back, slow down, and assess what's happening - emotionally, physically, and mentally. This is a long haul and it takes some serious self-work, GAL, and introspection to get to a better place.
I am already way stronger than I was and I have made huge improvements, but there will be specific things based on everyone's personalities that will be one of the main mountains to climb. For me, it has been emotional regulation and learning how to be productive with them.
I thought I was over that hump, but I clearly am not. Just booked an IC appt to help me figure this out. This is digging really deep and learning how to be better.
The day is better now for sure, but last night and this morning were horrendous.
My other issue is the anger - and I have identified it comes from my ego and how it has dealt with this rejection. Not just being rejected by the other person, but rejected so abruptly without being given a chance to prove myself. To prove that I am worthy of this relationship. I realized along this journey how much of this is about W's own issues and when I got out of the LBS fog, I realized that almost all her complaints had no real basis in reality - she rationalized things to justify her decision. The things where she was correct, I have taken that to the chin and am working to improve. Especially communications, conflict management, and not being a NGS. Other things like sex life can't be resolved with her obviously, but I know that so much of it was her personal body image issues and feeling that sex was shameful and taboo, and never getting over that. On my end, I realized I wasn't happy with the sex life and I want more, which she never provided. I could've spoken up more about it, but I had gotten shut down so many times before that I just also shut down and suppressed the issues.
Anyways, what I have realized over this journey is that you can intellectually get to DBing and understand it, but emotionally, you need the time for your heart to catch up with your mind. Some people can do it quicker than others, but it still takes quite some time. My emotions are still not caught up and I am creating environments and contexts around me to assist my heart to get over the rejection and ego.
