Quick update and venting, I'm struggling with W and the GAL plans. My W has made random comments about how I just leave without saying anything and goes on complaining about it. I thought about it and she has always told me ahead of time about her plans (even though they are vague and not 100 percent true). I know we have a communication issue so I thought maybe I should show some validation to her point and let her know my plans from time to time.
You have to strike a balance with this. When you're still living together and especially if you have young kids, then it's not fair to her for you to just disappear with no notice, or come home late, etc. If you make plans then give her some advanced notice. You don't have to give her a lot of specifics, but at least tell her when you have plans and make sure it works OK for her too. Don't use her like a baby-sitter because that will just make her resent you more.
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Last weekend I got up early on Sunday morning and asked if she had plans as I walked by her still in bed. She said only to get groceries. So I responded "I'm going skiing for half the day."
That just sounds like a recipe for more resentment!
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This week had been decent and until I slipped up. I got out of work on time and went to the gym. When I got home, the WW snapped at me "you work late?" I said yeah and then asked how D7 was doing. WW then snapped again "you work late?" I had my D on my mind and said yeah and then I went to the gym. She acted irritated.
And there's that resentment I mentioned.
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So lunch time rolls around and WW says " do you have plans today?" I said yeah I'm going golfing why? She got all pissed off and said " never mind!"
You do understand why she's angry don't you? I mean she has every right to be!
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I won't have much time there now. I'm the built in babysitter! You go every Saturday morning wherever and never say a thing.
I'm replying as a I read, so when I wrote the above about you making her feel like a baby-sitter I had not read this part yet. So yeah, based on your actions her reaction was pretty predictable.
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I said "I'm a grown man and don't have to answer to anyone. If I want to go in town to run errands I can and I do tell the girls where I'm going"
If you want to run errands then why not take the girls? Why does GAL mean dump the kids at home on your W to you? Give your W some alone time. She might actually appreciate you for that.
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She continues" You go to the gym after work and have free reign...I pick the kids up after work and i'm stuck with the kids all the time". I said " it doesn't have to be that way, if you have plans you could always get a babysitter."
[slaps forehead]
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Then she said something again about how I left when D7 was puking and had diaherra and I never called home and was gone all day! World's greatest dad right there!" I calmly said " I had plans that day but at least I came home. I was home before bed time
Did you know D7 was sick before you skipped out? Be there for your kids.
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I'm no longer affraid to rock the boat but am looking for some insight in how to handle these flare-ups in the future. What I did or said that was good? What I said or did that could have been handled differently?
I don't think you've handled any of it well. I think you misunderstand DB'ing, GAL'ing and you definitely don't understand validation. I would suggest you step back and read DB/ DR again and ALL of the links in Cadet's first post to you, but especially the threads on validation. Also look at Sandi's rules several times a day until you understand the gist of them.
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Since W hasn't moved, I'm going to go. Do I tell her now? Tell her last minute? Ask her if she's all set for the week? I want to come off strong and to the point as I'm getting tired of her game.
If you're smart you'll cancel this trip ASAP. If you want to disappear for a week then that is something you should talk to your W about, at least a month in advance (even if the two of you end up separating). Even if the two of you are not acting as husband and wife anymore you ARE coparents. You both have parenting responsibilities on a daily basis. GAL doesn't mean shirk your parenting duties.
