Ahhhh!!! I'm having a hard day today. Yesterday had a bit of a rough day with the kids and they cried and then I cried later in the evening and got it all out. Just something dumb happened and it caused my D unnecessary grief and then my S got sad because his sister was sad and it broke my heart and I held it in to support them. Then I let myself break down last night after they went to bed and still feeling the after effects of it.
This $hit is already hard and then life throws stupid things to make it worse for the kids, even though it was temporary. I just really wished I had someone yesterday to support me and be a partner and share the grief and help me.
And then I was googling stuff and I came across some dumb $hit about how some people think there is a big difference between a single dad and divorced dad - the former being more 'adult' because they have to keep the kids full time rather than the latter. I got so angry because I didn't ask to spend 50% of my time with my kids and like I am some fu$%#ng party animal the rest of the days and living the life. I didn't sign up to be a part time parent and I sure as hell hate it that I don't get to see my kids every day.
Just having a bad day. I miss my kids.
I am just venting. I know I need to dust off and get back up. I am doing that every day. I've had a really strong urge to go and get some smokes today, but that's not going to solve anything. I feel like going on a bender to avoid the pain, but it's still going to be there when I get back from the detour. I know I need to get through it, but I just don't feel like today. I am exhausted. I need someone in whose arms I can just fall into and they can just take me, warts and all, and take care of me. I just need a few days of that.
