Advice on my scenario Pt. 3

[OrangeK]

You didn't get played. She didn't plot and execute a scheme to have a relationship with you. She's being true to herself. That should scare you.

I think I did get played, it was pre-meditated, she did plot and execute a scheme. However i think you are right when you say she is being her true self, I'm starting to feel like the whole thing was planned from Day one and she never actually loved me at all. Its destroying me.

When you bond with someone like that, you don't come away unscathed. You don't just divorce and move on. I strongly suggest you get an IC. You're in an incredibly difficult place, and an Internet forum isn't enough. Hardly.

I've been seeing an IC, 2 different ones actually, and it doesn't seem to be helping. I only got put on med for a few days, and that was right before the incident that resulted in the TRO. Once that happened i stopped taking them at Dr.'s direction. Haven't gone on meds again since. I still get days where I can hardly function.
Today i such a day.

I seem to run in cycles, One day is normal, i operate as i normally would, dont think about it overly much. Then the next day or two will be a build up where I feel more and more overwhelmed by the stress of the abrupt discard, manipulation, lies and looming court cases. I still don't want to D until things have had time to settle. It stresses me out to no end.
Then after these days of build up, loneliness and missing her, i Get to a day like today.
I miss her terribly, the cognitive dissonance is in full effect, I can hardly function, If she came to me on a day like today i would fold, no resolve. I literally get physical symptoms.
Tight chest, upped heart rate, twisted stomach, waves of physical rage.
I feel legitimately sick. broken
Then usually after a day or two of missing her terribly, crippling depression and usually resulting in me breaking down and sobbing hard for 20-30 min, it seems to release.
Then the day or two following i have a resolve to GAL, be badass, i have the "Eff her, im better off without her" attitude, and i feel great. I WANT THIS TO BE HOW I FEEL EVERYDAY, ALL DAY. THIS IS REALITY.

RINSE AND REPEAT.

I am focused on GAL, NC, going dark, even after RO goes away, but it feels forced. like "fake it till you make it" but like the Make it part isn't really ever going to happen.
I feel like it isn't actually effecting change in my mental state.

I wish i could have her surgically removed from my psyche.
I don't want to miss her, but i do, terribly.
I don't want to love her, but i do, and probably always will. (despite believing it was all an act....)
I know i should never trust or forgive her again but i feel like I would in a heartbeat if she came to temp check.
All i want in the world is for her to want me back, to acknowledge what shes done / is doing, that she made a huge mistake.
I want our old life back, or at least a new, happy version.
I want to be the success story, how infidelity can be overcame.
But I know this is very, very, VERY unlikely, and I'm not HOPING for it or EXPECTING it.
Honestly, I'm trying to convince myself shes basically dead in my mind.
The woman I fell in love with is DEAD.

I KNOW THIS IS ALL DESPERATE CO DEPENDENT BEHAVIOR.
The key thing is, its all internal.
I haven't slipped up and tried to contact her, I've stayed off FB and so on.

This constant back and forth, Sad and Happy, Resolved and depressed cycle is literally making me feel insane.

I know OM doesn't matter. I know he's a downgrade, I know he was only selected because he was in the right place and time.
The typical OM thoughts wont go away.
Is he better? Nicer / kinder?
Better in bed? (although his EX told me months ago this is unlikely...)
Will they be together for a long time? Forever? Get married?
How is he with my son?
Will he hurt Her?
I want to kick the crap out of him.
How can she "love" someone so soon after marrying me?
I know these are ALL fruitless lines of thought, and are only causing me pain, and lastly, unlikely to ever get answers.
I CANT STOP THINKING ABOUT THEM.

Nothing is working. Not long term anyway. Its been 7 months since separation. 3 since RO and the last time i saw her in person or spoke to her. Why arent i further along?
Why wont i heal?
How does she have such power over me without even communicating?


Guys, as you can probably tell, this is breaking me.
I need help.
How do i survive this?
Ive gone soooo long with the RO, and kept my cool and havent broken it. I feel like if it gets extended this Thursday I wont be able to stick it out longer.
We cant co parent like this.

Feeling very stranded, broken and weak today.
idk how much longer i can live like this.