No affair(?), no feelings...is there hope? Part II

[sandi2]

I definitely understand the dynamic you are describing--she paints me as the bad guy so I jump to do things for her and prove her wrong. But I got a little confused by what you said should be my response. You said I should agree with her? You also said she can't make me feel like the bad guy unless I agree with her. Sorry, I may be slow today. I'm clear though about how I shouldn't be trying to prove her wrong.

I looked back at my post and see how it must have been confusing. Maybe I should just scratch that part about her not making you feel like the bad guy unless you agree with her. I know what I was trying to say.....but made a mess of it.

If a stranger passed by and told you that your eyes are purple, would you shrug it off, maybe even have a chuckle about it........or would you get down in the dumps and think, "He thinks I have purple eyes. I know I don't, but he sees me in that way, and it upsets me. What can I do to convince him otherwise". Would you go buy colored contact lens, or try to verbally convince the stranger differently, or get a report from the eye specialist to verify your eyes aren't really purple? No......if anything you would be amused, instead of letting it get next to you. You might say something like, "Yeah, I get my eyes after my mother" (as you bat your lashes). You know the truth and the only way this could upset you is to care too much what the stranger thinks of your eyes. By caring too much, it causes you to doubt yourself, become defensive, paranoid, have an excessive need to convince the other person it's not true, etc.

In the case with your WW, I didn't mean seriously agree. Like hang your head and admit it, or agreeing to appease her. Use a comeback response where it kind of sounds like the words are agreeing with the W....but your tone and expression are sounding as if you find the whole thing to be a little amusing. Not every time, but in some instances where she is being so childish. Stay nonchalant, and if you can sound as if you find humor in it.........then give a soft laugh or a little smile. You are not seriously agreeing with her.

W: "You are so rude and inconsiderate"!
H: "That's me! Mr. Rude & Inconsiderate".

See how that sounds? You are not arguing, explaining, being defensive, going silent, or any of that stuff. You keep your tone of voice light. Here's the thing. You have verbally agreed, in an odd kind of way. But she knows you are not taking her jab seriously. She can't hurt you by saying negative things about you, b/c you will turn it around and sound as if you are agreeing......and you seem fine with it. Trust me, it will stop her from taking those jabs, b/c she doesn't get the desired results from you. Yes, it will probably make her angry......but who cares? Not you! Your WW wants you to jump through hoops and act like a trained poodle.......but it's not going to work.

Does that clarify things any better? If not, then maybe just forget it and I'll think of something else. I thought maybe your personality would lean this direction, but if I'm wrong, just speak up and tell me. BTW, nonchalant is not an excuse to not address her behavior. It's a different way of addressing it.

Originally Posted By: Sandi2
Have you ever wondered why girls went after the "bad boy" type of guys? Well, I don't want to get into it right now, but I garantee you a bad boy would not bring her something to drink or take something upstairs to her.........and she would nearly worship him. There's a lesson there that all men with NGS should learn.

Yes, many times. I know that it's true, but I could never really wrap my head around the logic of it. However, data is data, and you are right I think there's a valuable lesson there

There is some misconception in girls being attracted to bad boys. Normal women do not want to have a bad person for a H. What attracts women to the bad boy image is his self confidence. He isn't a mama's boy. He doesn't let Mama or any other chick run his life. He thinks for himself, and if his woman gets a little bossy, shows a sense of self entitlement, nags, or any other unattractive quality......he tells her to get lost. He is not subservient or submissive. He is an alpha male and he always dominates his woman.......and that's why there are no issues with him not getting enough sex. He knows the difference in dominating and domineering.

Yes, she was on her interrogation kick again, mostly seeming paranoid I was going with some girl (it really doesn't make any sense to me why she should care, especially to a manic extent).

Stop it. It makes perfect sense to me. She is not paranoid or manic! Stop making excuses for her. She is wayward. I told you she would do this. B/c she's cheating, she is going to suspect your sudden interest in GAL is for the same purpose. That's why I told you to secure your IPad, b/c she is going to search nigh and low to see what you are doing. Here the thing. Let her be jealous, and wonder if there is someone else. Not that I am trying to get you to be cruel, but this is what she needs in order to shake her and make her realize she could lose you. This is a distraction from her OM. Don't pretend there is another woman, or try to make her jealous.......but neither should you take interrogation. OMG, she takes you for granted, can't you see it? The WW doesn't want her H, but she doesn't want anyone else having him. Just keep doing your thing. Don't lie, but don't give her solid answers. She doesn't get to interrogate you. I hope you chose this opportunity to use, "I'm not the one in the military". You can always hold up hand in the "stop" position and say, "I am not going to be interrogated". And just ignore the rest of her questions.

I would have a very hard time keeping my mouth closed at her passive-agressive remarks to the dogs in the mornings! But, I suppose ignoring it is best, for now. My gosh, this woman is making me want to throw up! Surely I wasn't that disgusting!
I've always been pretty direct, so I don't think there is much passive-agressive junk in me. Please tell me you did not fix her a packed lunch.

She not-so-subtly declares she fed the dogs and let them out (which is her job in the mornings and always has been; I do evenings). Somehow, she thinks this means I owe her something. I just say "cool, thanks."

If it is her job......then stop saying "cool" and stop thanking her for doing her job. Once she starts acting like a grown up, then you can say more......maybe, IDK. For now, just say, "Okay". Just b/c she acts as if she's doing you a big favor, doesn't mean you should act as if she's doing you a big favor, too. Drop the NGS stuff.

A week ago, she was telling me I didn't need to fold her laundry, to which I lightheartedly said 'O don't worry, I wasn't going to

Great response!

. (But I will still wash it, because laundry has always been my job and frankly it's more trouble to separate it and do my own)

This is a load of cr@p. It is your NGS talking. Do they have a Walmart store where you live? You can purchase a blue barracks bag type of laundry bag for about $5 or $6. Or you can use a large trash bag or a plastic tub to set in "her" bedroom for "her" dirty clothes. I mean, what's the difference in sorting dirty clothes or clean clothes? If you are washing them all together, but leaving her clean clothes in the laundry room........you are still sorting at some point, aren't you? I think it would fix Miss Fancy Britches up right nicely let her do [b]all of her own laundry.

An awful tantrum and it was all I could do to keep my cool. I didn't really have a good response, I sort of went into 'turtle' mode and just tried to make it out alive without stooping to her level

Yeah, it's all I can do to keep my cool with you, too! Wasn't it you I warned about these excuses of taking the higher ground....be the bigger person, nice-guy b.s.? "It was all you could do to keep your cool" is a lie. You were scared sh'tless.

You know, if you weren't so scared of her leaving, and if you'd really lose your cool when she acted this way, she might stop kicking you in the face every day! All you could do to keep your cool.........my a$$. Ignoring her passive-aggressive remarks to the dogs is one thing. But this tantrum she threw, screams of self entitlement, and it was directed straight at you. If there was EVER a time you should have stood up to her.....it was at that moment. She thinks b/c she brings home the paycheck, you are worthless and she is entitled to be waited on hand & foot. And, you ran back into your turtle shell, so expect more of the same to come.

Maybe I was wrong. Maybe you won't be able to use lighthearted comebacks. Not after this episode. It may be too late for anything that hints of a lighter note.

I still have a lot of work to do if this is what it's going to be like.

Well, this is what it's going to be like.......and not standing up to her, just set you back. So get ready!

I really don't want my home life to become miserable, but I'll do whatever it takes.

I like you, but I'm not your mama, and I will tell you how it is.......not how you want to hear it is. It's time you put on your man pants, and accept that things are going to get worse. Maybe you M a she-devil, but you certainly have done your part in making her feel so self entitled. Now, you've got to set it straight.....or get out. You haven't known misery, yet.