No affair(?), no feelings...is there hope? Part II

[44tries]

No, don't go silent and looked pissed off, b/c she'll know she got to you. She'll know it worked. I can tell you what to do. You become okay at being "the bad guy". I'm serious. Making you sound like the bad guy is one of the cards she plays. She has this deck of cards, and if one doesn't trump or score, she'll play another one. Only you control how you respond to her childish manipulative tricks. She can't make you feel like the bad guy, unless you agree with her. Right? And, you can't convince her otherwise, as long as you are trying to prove her wrong. See, that has been your mistake. You jump when she snaps her fingers, trying to prove you are a good H. It doesn't work that way. In fact, it works just the opposite.

I definitely understand the dynamic you are describing--she paints me as the bad guy so I jump to do things for her and prove her wrong. But I got a little confused by what you said should be my response. You said I should agree with her? You also said she can't make me feel like the bad guy unless I agree with her. Sorry, I may be slow today. I'm clear though about how I shouldn't be trying to prove her wrong.

Have you ever wondered why girls went after the "bad boy" type of guys? Well, I don't want to get into it right now, but I garantee you a bad boy would not bring her something to drink or take something upstairs to her.........and she would nearly worship him. There's a lesson there that all men with NGS should learn.

Yes, many times. I know that it's true, but I could never really wrap my head around the logic of it. However, data is data, and you are right I think there's a valuable lesson there.

So she twists things around........so what! Don't explain anything to her. If she says you are bad, say, "Yeah, I am a real bad boy". Sound as if you are having fun with it. Remember, act as if you find it amusing when she says this silly stuff.

WW: "You are horrible"! "Don't be surprised if I don't come home some night"!
You: "Okey-dokey then". (start whistling)

Got it. Need to add No more explaining to my rules list. I do have to say if she says I'm a jerk for mocking her, she wouldn't really be wrong. Is that what I'm going for?

It's b/c you have done this so much that she now feels entitled. I think your response was perfect. Very nonchalant. That's exactly the kind of attitude to show.

Great, I can do nonchalant.

Great job on the bike ride! Your W isn't having a breakdown. Her sickness is called "self absorbed". I think you are going to quickly outgrow her. But, we'll wait and discuss it when it happens.

Lol, that does sound more accurate. You might be right. Either way, I'll be happy because that means I've grown. But I hope she will grow too when gets the picture that her silly antics aren't going to fly anymore.

BTW, did she have a lot of questions about the bike ride? And did you keep your answers vague?

Yes, she was on her interrogation kick again, mostly seeming paranoid I was going with some girl (it really doesn't make any sense to me why she should care, especially to a manic extent). I did try and keep my answers as vague as possible. When I first headed out the door, she asked where I was going and I said "Out." Of course, "out where? What did you just get out of the office? Where are you going, tell me now!" Then tries to demand to see what I got, which was my bike bag. After she saw it, I just said omg I'm going to ride my bike, don't know how long but don't wait up. Surprisingly, she did not message me while I was on the ride, even though it was a very long one. But when I got back, she did the forehead thing and also asked questions like why are your shoes muddy? Did you get off your bike? I just said, "It's been raining a lot. There was mud." I think I did pretty well.


I realize I'm posting a lot and I thank all who to take the time to read them. I am really treading into unknown territory and appreciate all the support. This morning was, to put it bluntly, pretty awful. As usual, W gets up and starts muttering and swearing to herself about how she's late, doesn't have time to pack lunch, etc. These are all passive aggressive comments to try and get me to help her. Obviously, now that I'm in recovery, I ignore them and go about my own business. That makes it worse. The comments become rants. "F*** me, right dogs? Always late, nobody cares about me. I'll just go hungry, blah blah blah." I just tune her out. She not-so-subtly declares she fed the dogs and let them out (which is her job in the mornings and always has been; I do evenings). Somehow, she thinks this means I owe her something. I just say "cool, thanks."

Well, today the rants turned more personal. The pushback is in full swing. She is yelling about how she has no clean clothes in her closet. I remind her she has a big pile up on the hamper, ready to be put away. A week ago, she was telling me I didn't need to fold her laundry, to which I lightheartedly said 'O don't worry, I wasn't going to'. (But I will still wash it, because laundry has always been my job and frankly it's more trouble to separate it and do my own). Now, it's "you can't at least put it in my closet?! Look at this, wrinkles, dog hair! Does this look professional to you??" She goes on, "You know, you have been awfully focused on yourself lately. I'm sick of your condescending comments and rude tone. Your productivity needs to go way up." Ensuing rant about how she is the one going to work supporting the household while I get to lollygag around and then have the audacity to not wait on her hand and foot, why don't I just really speak my mind and say what I want to say and she will right back (?), etc. Just throwing everything she can think of, essentially making me the bad guy. An awful tantrum and it was all I could do to keep my cool. I didn't really have a good response, I sort of went into 'turtle' mode and just tried to make it out alive without stooping to her level and causing further damage. I still have a lot of work to do if this is what it's going to be like. I really don't want my home life to become miserable, but I'll do whatever it takes.

The good takeaway that I'm holding onto is that she has very clearly noticed my changes and me standing up to her more. At least this is proof I have made real steps in the right direction.