Advice on my scenario pt. 2

[OrangeK]

She was married and apparently in a happy and healthy relationship with her H. And yet, she PLANNED a hidden pregnancy!

Our son was born Jan 2015, we were Married Sept 2016, but still. Why hid it? if she had talked to me about it i would have been open and understanding...

I can't help but believe there is an emotional connection in the hidden pregnancy and what happened in her past.

I honestly think she got pregnant because her EX from before me had gone and met someone new, they fell in love quickly, got married and had a child. I think she had one of her "fantasies" planned around this man, and it fell apart.
I feel like theres a chance aspects of WW and My relationship was to fill in where her previous relationship failed. Just a guess.

Do you suspect she was molested as a child/teenager?

I have deeply considered this possibility. If so, she never even so much as hinted towards it, but i can definitely see why you would guess at that.

She might have been the fairest in all the land, but if she was not emotionally mature enough at the point of getting M........it would have been difficult for her to deal with day to day reality with a home, a H, and a baby. It can be quite the let down for young brides.

I think this is EXACTLY the case. Explains why she was so in love and soooo ready to get married. Then 4 months later. BAM. Nopeed right out of a situation she had built and cultivated.

Actually, she is the one that left the M and broke her vows

You are right, but i still feel compelled to wait it out. for now. I have a feeling that feeling my change based on how she acts post-RO.

For now, my suggestion is to not initiate D proceedings, as long as you feel this strongly. MThere is such a thing as moving forward with living.......without closing the books on your love and the marriage with your W. If you were my son, I would tell you not to pursue her, but not to slam the door shut as long as your feelings stay this strong and she's not a threat to you and your child.......and if she doesn't remarry. As a mother, I would probably want to see you move on and build a life apart from her........as a way of finding a happier life. But for now, I think focusing on having the best relationship with your son, and GAL is the best thing to do. If your W does not turn to you for help, or to take her back, then you aren't going to influence her decisions in seeking professional help. All you can do is be the lighthouse on the rock. (Have you read the lighthouse link)?

I have read it, and its so on point with my plan of action, or lack thereof.
Im just going to take it slow and day by day.
I did a lot of counter productive things from Oct-Jan.
Its time to step back, GAL, be the lighthouse and wait.
The chips will fall when and where they are supposed to.

I am concerned it will emotionally imprison you to some extent. Not knowing if there is a mental illness or if there's some tragedy in her past that has left terrible untreated wounds..........how could it not haunt you?

I wont let it HAUNT me. Even if she is "sick", if she doesnt get herself to the point where she seeks help on her own, nobody will convince her. I learned that from living with my brothers addiction issues for 6 years.
Hard truth to swallow, but its the truth regardless.

My concern is that she may try to dart in & out of your marriage (between other affairs), keeping you and your son upset. Maybe promising to get therapy or whatever, but not sticking with it.

After reading up on boundaries, i wont let this happen.
Itll be all or nothing.
Recon or Discon.
She needs to SHOW how hard she wants things fixed if she ever does.
Sh!7 or get off the pot. Plain and simple.

Here's the thing, Orange. No matter what a terrific man you are, the problem lies in the heart/mind of your W. You can stand on your morals and standards, but it doesn't mean it will change hers. Know what I mean?

I do, and you are right. She has the issues, she is the one that went from maritally in love and talking about getting old together to ice cold, cheating and lying in 6 months time.
I know her path will continue to be a self destructive one if she doesn't change her behaviors.
She will end up like her mother, on husband #3 and miserable about it.
I will encourage self exploration when it seems conversationally appropriate someday down the line if a civil opportunity to do so presents itself.
Otherwise I need to worry about myself and my boy.

For a while, you may be required to love her from a distance. Give her space and take some for yourself. Space and time can do a lot of good when there's problems in the MR. Plus, if she breaks it off with the OM, she'll need a little time before her feelings change back to you. At least, that's the way it is with typical WW's.

I feel like all the time and space in the universe wont change much right now, but then i look at someone like ItHurts. You never know.
She asked for "space and time" in the summer, but i suspect that was just to continue her affair and get out of the house and away from me at the time. She needs to hit bottom and reflect on the debris of her life. As far as breaking it off with OM, i feel like thats 100% doomed, its just a matter of time. If she comes back to me or not is a different question.
I hate to ask the "how long" type of questions, but i have to.
How long after OM is out of picture do you typically see WW's start to look back at H? What causes the fading of OM and the re-emergence of H (if that happens that is)
Just guessing i suppose.

Oh, Orange! Yes, I will pray for her, as well as for you and your little boy. (((hugs)))

Thank you. You and the others have been such a blessing, and i dont use that word often.
I really just wish i found you all in Oct. I may be in my home with W and S right now snuggling in bed if i had.
Or i could be in worse shape.
Who knows.
Only time will tell, and im young, i have plenty.
I will be happy again, with or without her.

I will.